Lost...
I am trying…always trying (unsuccessfully) to keep things at bay. Things I don’t want to think about, yet my mind wanders/flits to them like a moth to the flames. And burn me it does.
I don’t know why I keep returning to the scene of the crimes perpetrated against me….maybe it’s because he is still in my life and keeps trying to re-insert himself in more permanent ways…I alternate between hate and pity – it’s like getting caught between the magnet pull of two planet – neither of which I am truly inhabiting…
The of course I hear/find out things about HER - from people somehow still entangled in her life and it only makes me sadder somehow. I don’t know if it’s sympathy/compassion or just the sheer volume of spite I feel towards this person.
I mean the fact that because of her another woman is suffering, as are children, and in the meantime she is (I think) planning her escape. I never thought I would think of another woman in terms of ‘home wrecker’ – I don’t know why that applies here – in the past I always put the burden of the blame on the men. I reasoned that THEY were the ones who were married, older, should know better…etc…. But then I get to thinking (REALLY THINKING) about things and what happens to them when they end up dealing with someone who is irresistible? I mean are they all that weak? You know it’s like jealousy but it’s not…..it’s more like ‘what’s she got that I haven’t got’ – but yet I don’t want what she has and I am not jealous of her ability to ruin a marriage. I don’t want to destroy other people’s lives (insert Guru Stu comment here: ‘No C – just your own’)…because I know how that feels….
Then the violence rises, the anger, and I just want to beat the hell out of this kid to teach her to somehow mind her manners –yet it’s not about the violence – it’s about wanting to see justice somehow served. People would say that it’s not my problem it’s not my business, well then WHOSE is it? We all buy into this shit and then look the other way and wonder why families are so dysfunctional. Someone has to step up to the plate. The old adage ‘What goes around, comes around’ just does not seem to help and frankly unless someone takes pictures of the just desserts how am I ever suppose to know it’s gonna happen. I know this all sounds, cruel, immature, mean-spirited….I don’t care. (LOL - obviously). Perhaps the ultimate horror of this – the ‘slap in the face’ psychologically speaking is that I see myself somehow mirrored in her mistakes – maybe it’s wanting to save myself from my own untimely demise. Some weird, bizarre ‘Picture of Dorian Grey’ thing. How stupid is that?
And then there are other things going on. Like the pull I feel from the people I’ve really grown fond of. One that is attainable (but I am afraid of what would happen if…) and the other that is not attainable but the tenderness and closeness is just so real and so honest I don’t know what to do or how to keep the rush of it from overtaking me. I want, I desire, I need and yet I fear those things – mainly because I don’t think they are going to set me free….it’s just going to be another prison cell for my ego. Yet letting go of things isn’t happening either. Again the seed/germ of the idea to just getup and go keeps nagging at me. Just go away. Leave. It will all be left behind you then and you can start fresh. I’ve talked to people and lately been musing with (heard snippets of on the radio) that when something like this happens in relationships a lot of times the hurt individual wants the other person to either move away or die…and I know this feeling. I’m on intimate terms with this notion. I keep thinking – if he’d just go away I could move on…but something greater seems to be stopping me – the fear. It’s ultimately the fear of not knowing what to do with myself. The fear that perhaps it was somehow my fault this happened (and I am sure part of it was) – and I don’t want history repeating itself.
And all of this gets trapped in my head, even in my body. I fell helpless against it. Lethargic, unable to feel my way out of it. Like being in the darkness and cursing it but having no light to find my way through. It’s like a ghost haunting me, and the chains rattle the cage of my soul. I just want a chance to re-write my own history and have it include a happy ending. I want the fires to rise up in me and burn away all this sadness, hopelessness and ennui – I want to move forward with purpose and joy and be unencumbered by those damned chains.
I don’t know why I keep returning to the scene of the crimes perpetrated against me….maybe it’s because he is still in my life and keeps trying to re-insert himself in more permanent ways…I alternate between hate and pity – it’s like getting caught between the magnet pull of two planet – neither of which I am truly inhabiting…
The of course I hear/find out things about HER - from people somehow still entangled in her life and it only makes me sadder somehow. I don’t know if it’s sympathy/compassion or just the sheer volume of spite I feel towards this person.
I mean the fact that because of her another woman is suffering, as are children, and in the meantime she is (I think) planning her escape. I never thought I would think of another woman in terms of ‘home wrecker’ – I don’t know why that applies here – in the past I always put the burden of the blame on the men. I reasoned that THEY were the ones who were married, older, should know better…etc…. But then I get to thinking (REALLY THINKING) about things and what happens to them when they end up dealing with someone who is irresistible? I mean are they all that weak? You know it’s like jealousy but it’s not…..it’s more like ‘what’s she got that I haven’t got’ – but yet I don’t want what she has and I am not jealous of her ability to ruin a marriage. I don’t want to destroy other people’s lives (insert Guru Stu comment here: ‘No C – just your own’)…because I know how that feels….
Then the violence rises, the anger, and I just want to beat the hell out of this kid to teach her to somehow mind her manners –yet it’s not about the violence – it’s about wanting to see justice somehow served. People would say that it’s not my problem it’s not my business, well then WHOSE is it? We all buy into this shit and then look the other way and wonder why families are so dysfunctional. Someone has to step up to the plate. The old adage ‘What goes around, comes around’ just does not seem to help and frankly unless someone takes pictures of the just desserts how am I ever suppose to know it’s gonna happen. I know this all sounds, cruel, immature, mean-spirited….I don’t care. (LOL - obviously). Perhaps the ultimate horror of this – the ‘slap in the face’ psychologically speaking is that I see myself somehow mirrored in her mistakes – maybe it’s wanting to save myself from my own untimely demise. Some weird, bizarre ‘Picture of Dorian Grey’ thing. How stupid is that?
And then there are other things going on. Like the pull I feel from the people I’ve really grown fond of. One that is attainable (but I am afraid of what would happen if…) and the other that is not attainable but the tenderness and closeness is just so real and so honest I don’t know what to do or how to keep the rush of it from overtaking me. I want, I desire, I need and yet I fear those things – mainly because I don’t think they are going to set me free….it’s just going to be another prison cell for my ego. Yet letting go of things isn’t happening either. Again the seed/germ of the idea to just getup and go keeps nagging at me. Just go away. Leave. It will all be left behind you then and you can start fresh. I’ve talked to people and lately been musing with (heard snippets of on the radio) that when something like this happens in relationships a lot of times the hurt individual wants the other person to either move away or die…and I know this feeling. I’m on intimate terms with this notion. I keep thinking – if he’d just go away I could move on…but something greater seems to be stopping me – the fear. It’s ultimately the fear of not knowing what to do with myself. The fear that perhaps it was somehow my fault this happened (and I am sure part of it was) – and I don’t want history repeating itself.
And all of this gets trapped in my head, even in my body. I fell helpless against it. Lethargic, unable to feel my way out of it. Like being in the darkness and cursing it but having no light to find my way through. It’s like a ghost haunting me, and the chains rattle the cage of my soul. I just want a chance to re-write my own history and have it include a happy ending. I want the fires to rise up in me and burn away all this sadness, hopelessness and ennui – I want to move forward with purpose and joy and be unencumbered by those damned chains.
posted by Colette at 7:48 AM
1 Comments:
c'est poétique ..
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