The trip - and now the wait..for many things
Driving is something I typically enjoy - unless that is it's a 4 hour drive by myself in the winter to a place I consider to be somewhat 'weird' - don't get me wrong Michigan is cool - I am just simply not used to this type of 'living' - a lot of people up there are hunters, outdoorsmen, woodsy types and that's great but along with it comes the NRA mentality and the too much 'Christian' attitude for someone like me to feel truly at ease....(gee wonder what kind of 'comments' this is going to wrangle me? *shrugs*)
At any rate the drive up was uneventful except for the beauty of it - they get way more snow up there than we do here in Cleveburg...it's a 'winter wonderland' at the least. As I was driving by one farm 'scene' it made me wish I could paint or sketch because there in a field of snow was a red barn against a stark blue sky and a black work horse standing sentinel near the barn - just pastoral....'real'...
I made it in 3 1/2 hours time - and OK it was a Sunday mid-day and OK I was going like 75 m.p.h the whole way - (speed limit is 70 m.p.h.) - but still that's really good time.
I got there and right away we had to get the kids ready to go to my son-in-law's paternal grand-folks for 'The Game' and a general get-together. 'The Game' consists of bringing a gift for either a grown up or someone of teen-aged years. Basically you put your 'gift' in a pile on the floor and then you all draw numbers (and believe it or not I was #1) - then you begin to pick gifts. I got a gift and then the next person (#2) got to pick a gift....they could either keep their gift or take mine away from me and then the next person went and so on - it ends up becoming fun as people take each other's gifts and you are forced to pick something new...they had a blast with it - I was out after a couple of rounds and I picked a gift that no one else wanted (a bucket of snacks to watch movies by)...which was fine with me...
The bad thing about this and other family gatherings is how out of place I feel and how I get 'the look' because they know (of) my story and they feel bad for me - and I begin to resent 'the look' and the feelings that come with their pity and it's hard to even be around anyone at this time of year for me...
I want so badly to move on and somehow change my history but I don't even know how or where to begin and all I can do is bide my time until I am completely free of the sadness and the anger and just try to keep holding on somehow until life throws other things at me to deal with....like my daughter's new baby.
I guess it seems unacceptable to just want to curl up and be alone (at least it would seem that way for my family) - but at times it's all I want - to be alone and be left alone and it's going on three years of feeling this way and I know I have to 'snap out of it' but I have no reason to (if that makes any sense) - and it's not that I want to wallow in it or even have people feel bad for me - it's just that the whole thing feels like a process and more than anything I just feel numb - not even wanting to really 'feel' cause then the anger and the sadness might 'drown' out everything and I am just starting to get used to feeling dead inside...
At any rate the drive up was uneventful except for the beauty of it - they get way more snow up there than we do here in Cleveburg...it's a 'winter wonderland' at the least. As I was driving by one farm 'scene' it made me wish I could paint or sketch because there in a field of snow was a red barn against a stark blue sky and a black work horse standing sentinel near the barn - just pastoral....'real'...
I made it in 3 1/2 hours time - and OK it was a Sunday mid-day and OK I was going like 75 m.p.h the whole way - (speed limit is 70 m.p.h.) - but still that's really good time.
I got there and right away we had to get the kids ready to go to my son-in-law's paternal grand-folks for 'The Game' and a general get-together. 'The Game' consists of bringing a gift for either a grown up or someone of teen-aged years. Basically you put your 'gift' in a pile on the floor and then you all draw numbers (and believe it or not I was #1) - then you begin to pick gifts. I got a gift and then the next person (#2) got to pick a gift....they could either keep their gift or take mine away from me and then the next person went and so on - it ends up becoming fun as people take each other's gifts and you are forced to pick something new...they had a blast with it - I was out after a couple of rounds and I picked a gift that no one else wanted (a bucket of snacks to watch movies by)...which was fine with me...
The bad thing about this and other family gatherings is how out of place I feel and how I get 'the look' because they know (of) my story and they feel bad for me - and I begin to resent 'the look' and the feelings that come with their pity and it's hard to even be around anyone at this time of year for me...
I want so badly to move on and somehow change my history but I don't even know how or where to begin and all I can do is bide my time until I am completely free of the sadness and the anger and just try to keep holding on somehow until life throws other things at me to deal with....like my daughter's new baby.
I guess it seems unacceptable to just want to curl up and be alone (at least it would seem that way for my family) - but at times it's all I want - to be alone and be left alone and it's going on three years of feeling this way and I know I have to 'snap out of it' but I have no reason to (if that makes any sense) - and it's not that I want to wallow in it or even have people feel bad for me - it's just that the whole thing feels like a process and more than anything I just feel numb - not even wanting to really 'feel' cause then the anger and the sadness might 'drown' out everything and I am just starting to get used to feeling dead inside...
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