Saturday, February 18, 2006

The 'touchy, feely' parts

...naughty bits tingling and all...

*smirk*

So today - after the car debacle I spent a lot of time (more than I really should - well OK I did some laundry), updating this forum of mine...that I've somehow become fond of - not that I am attached to the outcome (way to make a Buddhist statement, C) of this blog - or of where it goes, what it does, who it touches (or doesn't as the case may be) - but it's a way again for me to just spew my thoughts out onto a blank page, yes indeed screaming into the void - the nothingness - and it feels good and freeing, and intense, and somehow addicting at the same time...

It's an experiment really and I always loved the experiments in chem class but never the tests...I was never 'good' in chemistry....*this* is a chemistry for me though, me writing, trying to make friends with it...trying to figure out how to say what I want to say and put it down for posterity and somehow remain lucid, intelligent, engaging all the things that make a writer worth reading....except I keep finding all these places - I will call them blog kingdoms (Goddess how I hate the word blog) - oasis's in the barren tundra of the cold, cold Internet...and when I find those diamonds in the rough and I look back at my own mediocre writing I am almost ashamed, feeling like I don't even deserve to kiss the hem of their pants cuffs (sorry) - and I am not trying to be purposely self-deprecating - I just seriously feel that there's more brilliance out there than I will ever posses in my own feeble mind...and who the hell really wants to hear about a young woman's (girl really...what actually does make a girl into a woman??? Having sex??? I don't really think so...) 'adventures' on the road, living on the outskirts of reality and society with 'Carney Boy'??? Or even my day-to-day meager existence??? How interesting CAN it be to be a corporate whore and a Yoga teacher? Let's just call it an odd combination....sometimes can be very hard to reconcile....

hmmmmm

I just feel so subpar....

Then there's absolute never-ending amazement I have for the power of the the mind and the invention of the Internet for all the wonderfully devious, downright-evil, yet incredibly all-too-human-all-encompassing 'window' it gives us onto the entire globe...and something that Bill Maher said last night cut through my fog...about how American's gave their right away to privacy years ago - with things like cell phones and with being willing to put our scrotums/twats on a web-cam for all the world to see - that we're all so desperate for attention - we want to so be heard, looked at, we want people to read our blogs (I was rolling when he said that one).....yet....

I agree with him (like you would not believe I agree)- he is so right on so many levels, but is that ALL we really want? I don't think that's what *I* want - I truly feel that we have the power to change each others' lives by sharing ideas, viewpoints, I feel that in many ways we grow closer by doing just that - reading each others' stories cause isn't that how it all started....man wrote on his cave walls, man created hieroglyphics...why? What was he trying to say...and have we all just been trying to say the same things all along - to just somehow, someway relate/relay our experiential data - unload it out into the universe for our 'tribe' to see? Some of us do 'it' by writing, some by making music, or films, or working our way through the world and performing our lives' various callings.....

I suppose that's what I am trying to say...I guess that's what *I* want 'it' to be, what *I* think it is, my perception/vision, my dream, my reality, *MY* experiment...just add chaos...but I share it - this place - this planet and all it contains, and all it ever contained, and all it ever will contain, with the rest of you, and all those that came before us and all those that are to come...because our stories have been going around now, intertwining, for centuries and it weaves through the fabric of our minds and to me seems to reverberate through the universe...it rings like a bell and we all can pick up on each others vibrations and some of us harmonize and some of us clang out of tune or just simply go flat...


Boggles the mind...

I feel unique but I feel like everyone else too, full of self-doubt and wondering why I should even bother to do this (isn't there anything better I *could* be doing) - but something pushes me compels me even, to write about my life here....any more I don't even know if it's helping me or I've just opened up some portal and now all the garbage comes pouring out...but then you all know what 'they' say...

One person's junk....

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