{whispers in little sing-song voice}

happy birthday to me...

*sigh*

This evening (March 15th, the 'Ides' of March, and the eve of my b-day) as I left Yoga class the sky was putting on a twilight show in honour of the coming spring. It was beautiful and breath-taking. That time of evening talked about so much in so many ways - the one way I recall most vividly was when I was reading Casteneda and how the Yaqui Indians told that the apex of the evening was the best time to kill prey for a meal (and I know this sounds cruel and very violent and I certainly don't hunt or kill defenseless little rabbits etc.) but it just stuck with me for some weird reason - perhaps it can apply to eating one's meal - that that is the time when we gather the most energy - perhaps it's simply the best time to enjoy a beautiful early evening sky, perched on the edge of the beginning of spring, of new life blooming and winter passing away...

I am always humbled at these moments because I feel so small in comparison to the universe and all that surrounds me...it's the time when I get what my teacher refers to as the 'cosmic joke' so very clearly. It's when I realise that all this belly-aching, bantering, bitching is for naught and despite my fears, my anger, my unresolved and never-ending barrage of emotional baggage that in the end all IS right with the world and things are just as they are suppose to be...

Often (especially lately) I forget that lesson. I forget how to be happy, how to be grateful, how to be blessed and filled with grace, how lucky I truly am and how much I really do have to be thankful for...

And so, as I slide down that slippery slope toward the middle decades of my life and end of my existence on this planet, I am melancholy but peaceful. I realise that while I strive to make a difference and suffer like many others out there at the futility of that notion/action, that every little bit *does* help. I know that I am no longer the woman-child I was and that I am now much more than that awkward young girl - yet I still cherish who she was because it all culminated in bringing me to this path. I can look forward to being alone on my birthday and being OK with that - I can sleep in tomorrow, take my time, go get some chai/breakfast, read a book or a newspaper, or my new Yoga International magazine, and then head out and get done what I need to get done (car inspected, tags for my car, oil change) and I can revel in the mundane tasks that make me human and connected to the reality of everything. I can be OK with not having a celebration, not getting presents or cards because I am finally at the age where yes that stuff is nice but it does not matter and it never really did, and while I won't say I don't enjoy gifts or surprises, the greatest gifts in life are those we give ourselves, health, good friends, peace of mind, kindness, introspection, faith, love, spirituality. I will never grow tired of those gifts.

(I think it's a bit odd that people actually put a 'wish list' on their blogs - I find that a bit tacky and selfish and I'd never assume that a stranger would buy me a gift - that just seems so very 'out of place' with the 'real' me - it's just off-putting - although I must admit to a certain curiosity about people who do that and if they DO indeed get gifts...LOL - gee perhaps in a moment of weakness I should succumb....)

But it's good - despite all the turmoil, life is good, and exciting and fresh and spring is coming and I have a lot to do with myself and with others and thanks to God/Goddess for making these moments possible for what else is a life composed of but our moments strung together, one after another, reaching towards eternity/infinity and then returning to the earth where the cycle of life begins again....