OK guys so here's the deal...
I am at my wits end - there is just too much on my plate emotionally right now. I love this forum, I've come to feel this blog is my home on the internet - however as much as I need to be able to express myself and insomuch as I feel it rids me of poison and it acts in a cathartic/therapeutic manner - I am really struggling. I am seriously considering doing something like 'guest-blogging' until I can get my sea legs back under me...I've asked some 'friends' to help and if any of you out there (who consider me a friend) would like to pitch in that's fine. You can contact me - and if you are a friend you should know how to do that by now....
I am going to post an open letter to my daughter about her latest 'situation', which is the 'straw that broke the camel's back', so to speak and you can find out why I am feeling the way I am inside.
You know people say you only feel the way you allow yourself to feel - I would like to kick that/those person/persons in the arse. When it comes to your children there are so many junctures where you are left feeling helpless, frightened for them - not knowing what to do...I hate glibness, I hate cliches....
I feel lately, powerless, voiceless, like I am screaming and no one can hear me and I am really screaming in my real life and perhaps people are sick of hearing me bitch. And I suppose I can't blame them - but I see things that are harming the people I love and I don't know why the people that are suppose to be supportive don't see what I see...
Last night, I sat in a restaurant with the step-father of my daughter, both of us in shock with the news that she 'delivered' - and he ranted about our kids - how he was 'done with them' how he didn't care anymore - yep thanks ever so much for your support honey - glad we could have this talk...
And I looked over his shoulder at this woman, old, overweight, and alone; I watched as she put salt on each lemon wedge taken from a bowl of lemons in front of her, slowly she'd eat each lemon wedge almost as an afterthought; it began to dawn on me how futile and utterly stupid everything is; echoes of Mr. Hess saying '100 years, all new people' or the Reverend's blog 'Less people, less idiots' - simultaneously making me feel nauseous and sad.
I realise (and I have for a long time) that life is suffering - but does it all have to be so in your face? And my suffering and that of my children, whom I dearly love, is just a tiny tear in an ocean of tears and I know it's insignificant...but still - it doesn't help that when I share these 'troubles' with my old friend Linda she says things like: 'You are cursed C! We really need to find an old lady down in Little Italy to remove this curse' (please refer to blog posting on here about me being a crisis magnet). And as Isaac Bonewits once noted, curses only work if the cursee 'feels' they are cursed. I am not quite there...yet...but I sometimes feel like I am drowning in sorrows and issues - and I again do not mean to belabor this point.
*MY* life is great - it really is - I like my job for the most part, I get to teach Yoga and earn money doing so, I earn a decent living at my 'day' job', I have good friends, I laugh, I get to listen to cool music, read great books, drink a nice glass of wine, but if your children aren't doing well then YOU aren't doing well and I don't care how young or old they are...*I* am not doing well kids...not at all....
And so, other than perhaps the open letter to my daughter and one other post - I really need to put the brakes on. My sister in law tells me to blog anyway - that I've earned a good audience but I figure if *I* am friggin' sick and tired of me then so are all of you and who the hell wants to come visit a blog that's always tinged with sorrow. Grant it, it's the sorrow and pain that makes us appreciate the happiness and joy - but enough is enough and I need to step back and get some perspective.
I am going to post an open letter to my daughter about her latest 'situation', which is the 'straw that broke the camel's back', so to speak and you can find out why I am feeling the way I am inside.
You know people say you only feel the way you allow yourself to feel - I would like to kick that/those person/persons in the arse. When it comes to your children there are so many junctures where you are left feeling helpless, frightened for them - not knowing what to do...I hate glibness, I hate cliches....
I feel lately, powerless, voiceless, like I am screaming and no one can hear me and I am really screaming in my real life and perhaps people are sick of hearing me bitch. And I suppose I can't blame them - but I see things that are harming the people I love and I don't know why the people that are suppose to be supportive don't see what I see...
Last night, I sat in a restaurant with the step-father of my daughter, both of us in shock with the news that she 'delivered' - and he ranted about our kids - how he was 'done with them' how he didn't care anymore - yep thanks ever so much for your support honey - glad we could have this talk...
And I looked over his shoulder at this woman, old, overweight, and alone; I watched as she put salt on each lemon wedge taken from a bowl of lemons in front of her, slowly she'd eat each lemon wedge almost as an afterthought; it began to dawn on me how futile and utterly stupid everything is; echoes of Mr. Hess saying '100 years, all new people' or the Reverend's blog 'Less people, less idiots' - simultaneously making me feel nauseous and sad.
I realise (and I have for a long time) that life is suffering - but does it all have to be so in your face? And my suffering and that of my children, whom I dearly love, is just a tiny tear in an ocean of tears and I know it's insignificant...but still - it doesn't help that when I share these 'troubles' with my old friend Linda she says things like: 'You are cursed C! We really need to find an old lady down in Little Italy to remove this curse' (please refer to blog posting on here about me being a crisis magnet). And as Isaac Bonewits once noted, curses only work if the cursee 'feels' they are cursed. I am not quite there...yet...but I sometimes feel like I am drowning in sorrows and issues - and I again do not mean to belabor this point.
*MY* life is great - it really is - I like my job for the most part, I get to teach Yoga and earn money doing so, I earn a decent living at my 'day' job', I have good friends, I laugh, I get to listen to cool music, read great books, drink a nice glass of wine, but if your children aren't doing well then YOU aren't doing well and I don't care how young or old they are...*I* am not doing well kids...not at all....
And so, other than perhaps the open letter to my daughter and one other post - I really need to put the brakes on. My sister in law tells me to blog anyway - that I've earned a good audience but I figure if *I* am friggin' sick and tired of me then so are all of you and who the hell wants to come visit a blog that's always tinged with sorrow. Grant it, it's the sorrow and pain that makes us appreciate the happiness and joy - but enough is enough and I need to step back and get some perspective.
posted by Colette at 4:24 PM
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