"Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines in Pieces on the Ground..."
I had a nightmare last night – it involved Erin in some unspecified way.
I was trapped in a room with no way out and I am not sure whether Erin either put me in there or, because I was trying to call to him – would not or could not help me to get out – and I can’t go into all the details because they are very sketchy. However it was so frightening and seemed so real that it caused me to wake.
Afterwards I had 2 dreams which depicted us in future settings. One where he met my step-brother, one where we took his kids to a museum (it seemed to be in Europe). I called him this morning – mainly about the nightmare and regret telling him about that now...
I feel like my psyche or my subconscious is working on some issues of ‘fear’ in regard to feeling ‘trapped’ in a relationship. There are also fears of being abandoned. It brought me down to earth really fast. I am here now, having landed, not so softly, trying to regain my composure and trying to figure out what this is trying to tell me...
I have all sorts of doubts that run around in my head – actually they don’t run – they circle like a band of hungry wolves. I try really hard to tell myself I am being irrational and child-like. Here I am faced with a wonderful relationship with an amazing man that it seems I have waited all my life to find, and the ‘tape’ in my head is fighting my better sense tooth and nail. Everything within my gut tells me he is good and good for me as well. Yet I can’t seem to dispel the ‘rumours’. I have doubts about him deciding he is no longer interested, that one day he is going to wake up and say to himself ‘What the hell am I doing with her?’ or that we are going to be like so many other couples down the road and end up hating each other (that is terrifying to me), or that he is going to also feel trapped and not know how to extricate himself without hurting me...in essence as stated above he will ‘change his mind’...think ‘better of it’ and move on to ‘greener pastures’.
It’s all crazy – it’s all based on fear. None of it is tied to the joy that I feel inside – the problem is how do I release these fears? How do I chase these fears away without chasing the very thing I want away?
I don’t want to (I REFUSE TO) sabotage the healthiest relationship I have ever had...
What is it that has me panicked like this? Why can’t I put this to rest once and for all?
I am feeling shaky and upset and all I want is to be able to relax and enjoy, but something keeps holding me back – like I am chained to these preconceived notions and they are fighting to become my ‘reality’. I am even afraid to be uttering these words because part of me thinks I will jinx everything...yet I have to get this out somehow – it’s like poison...
*sighs*
I was trapped in a room with no way out and I am not sure whether Erin either put me in there or, because I was trying to call to him – would not or could not help me to get out – and I can’t go into all the details because they are very sketchy. However it was so frightening and seemed so real that it caused me to wake.
Afterwards I had 2 dreams which depicted us in future settings. One where he met my step-brother, one where we took his kids to a museum (it seemed to be in Europe). I called him this morning – mainly about the nightmare and regret telling him about that now...
I feel like my psyche or my subconscious is working on some issues of ‘fear’ in regard to feeling ‘trapped’ in a relationship. There are also fears of being abandoned. It brought me down to earth really fast. I am here now, having landed, not so softly, trying to regain my composure and trying to figure out what this is trying to tell me...
I have all sorts of doubts that run around in my head – actually they don’t run – they circle like a band of hungry wolves. I try really hard to tell myself I am being irrational and child-like. Here I am faced with a wonderful relationship with an amazing man that it seems I have waited all my life to find, and the ‘tape’ in my head is fighting my better sense tooth and nail. Everything within my gut tells me he is good and good for me as well. Yet I can’t seem to dispel the ‘rumours’. I have doubts about him deciding he is no longer interested, that one day he is going to wake up and say to himself ‘What the hell am I doing with her?’ or that we are going to be like so many other couples down the road and end up hating each other (that is terrifying to me), or that he is going to also feel trapped and not know how to extricate himself without hurting me...in essence as stated above he will ‘change his mind’...think ‘better of it’ and move on to ‘greener pastures’.
It’s all crazy – it’s all based on fear. None of it is tied to the joy that I feel inside – the problem is how do I release these fears? How do I chase these fears away without chasing the very thing I want away?
I don’t want to (I REFUSE TO) sabotage the healthiest relationship I have ever had...
What is it that has me panicked like this? Why can’t I put this to rest once and for all?
I am feeling shaky and upset and all I want is to be able to relax and enjoy, but something keeps holding me back – like I am chained to these preconceived notions and they are fighting to become my ‘reality’. I am even afraid to be uttering these words because part of me thinks I will jinx everything...yet I have to get this out somehow – it’s like poison...
*sighs*
1 Comments:
..yet I have to get this out somehow – it’s like poison...
Yes dear, it IS a poison. Been there, done that, thank you ma'am. Playing the guessing-game to my SO's feelings is not something I ever want to do again.
You're real, you share, you're honest, and you admit fear, weakness, joy, and hapiness. These are the cornerstones on which my love for you is built. I am not intimidated by your fear. Knowing it gives me resolve and fortitude to stand by your side and do what I must to best help you dispel or conquer your fear (even if that means doing nothing) and to help you nourish and enhance your joys. There are benefits to my competitiveness and never wanting to lose. Fear has never won against me (that I'm aware of) and I intend to keep it that way. My only real fear is not being what you need and want, and not making you happy or hindering your happiness.
I wear the armor of God, wield the sword of my commitment, and tie to my belt the lace girdle of your love. Bring your wolves to me my love so that I may engage their snarlings though I will not slay them for they are your wolves. I shall chase them away with the beating of my sword on my breast and my flaming torch of passion. If your wolves lust for my flesh I shall kneel down and feed them compassion from my hand trusting my gauntlets to protect me till the beasts likewise trust me and are sated and become as domestic pets. Should your wolves persist and circle with the ferocity of a large pack I will elevate you and call on our God and they will be cowed by the glory of our relationship, for united we will become the alpha and your wolves will lie low at your feet.
My dearest Colleen, my steed awaits and I must be off to vanquish the host of demons assaulting our fortress of computers.
I await thy arrival anon via your magical horseless carriage.
Your most loving and ennobled knight,
Sir Erin
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