'Scenes that go to make up a life...'

There’s been so much (too much, way too much) to even concentrate, let alone write what I have been doing, feeling, pondering.

Erin and I passed the 3-year mark of our meeting and falling in love. We hit some stormy seas – there’s just been a lot going on with me, with him, with the kids.

There’s been a lot of emotion and upheaval. I am beginning to change – my body just does not seem like my friend anymore. I an probably getting ready to actually ‘go through the change’ as they say (again whoever the fuck ‘they’ are) – and to say it is a time of mourning, of confusion, of out and out insanity would be an understatement. I feel as if at times, I am drowning in the sea of change with no lifeboat, or preserver to be had anywhere. Yet, I am suppose to ‘handle it’ with grace. I am suppose to perhaps medicate as if there is something wrong with me – and I just don’t want to – this is natural – it should be a time of renewal and reflection...what can I say...it ain’t happening.

And *I* of all people should know better, should know what to do…but with work bearing down on me like some mad bull in a china shop, the kids out of control or just plain off in outer space somewhere when it comes to responsibility, family stuff weighing on me…I just can’t seem to get a handle on the same things I’ve helped guide others through – what’s the phrase: ‘Physician heal thyself’? Yeah I got your healing right here buddy...

There are other developments, promising ones at that - but it only makes me yearn for a different sort of life. I am teaching Yoga again – albeit just a little. I am working with my wonderful husband on a promising project that I am really excited to be a part of...

Still (always), other places call to me – I want to live somewhere else, I want to BE somewhere (someone?) else in my life. I want a change of career and scenery.
I just don’t know how to pull it off. I don’t mean to be such a restless spirit to long for things that are ‘untouchable’ – perhaps this is the curse of my life, the star I was born under and there is simply no helping how I am. Yet, somehow, there’s this feeling that if I am just patient enough, it will come to me, someday.