Tuesday, December 02, 2003

My heart is like a china cup

He’s crying again…he’s been crying off and on all through this. Years ago – I would have felt bad – now I am too involved with my own sorrow to feel anything but numbing darkness inside – reaching to the depths of my soul. My heart should not be hardening against him but it has and yet it feels like porcelain and as if it is starting to crack. I begin to hate him. We argue and his answers only incense me more – I want him gone – I wish he were dead at times.

I am crying again – I cry over the smallest things – I cry as I write this. Since this has happened, 3 of my colleagues became engaged – I want to be happy for them and then I want to shake them and say – ‘what is the matter with you? Don’t you know how hurtful love is?’ Bitter, just angry and sad and bitter.

Part of me just does not know what to do anymore – I can barely look at him – when we are together there is a wall between us – he looks at me and I can see he wants to try but he does not know what to say. My heart is so full of things to say but most of them are hurtful and angry. We both begin to cry at the same time and my heart softens a little. Part of me wants him to hold me in his arms and part of me recoils at the very thought of him ever touching me again.

I wish I could ‘see strait’ use super déjà vu to look into some alternate future – one where we live happily ever after…one where his ‘sickness’ does not exist – where we just love each other totally. I can’t see my own future now – not sure I ever could before but at least I thought we would be together no matter what happened. Now I just want someone to tell me how it will be. Should I forgive him or should I let him go? Would he just go on to ruin more lives? Would his sins be on my head? Should I tattoo him with invisible ink somewhere to warn other women about him? Perhaps that way I could absolve myself, do my part for the sisterhood…

I am all of these emotions, I am told not to be my emotions, I am told I am more than my body and the sum of all my parts. Why am I so damn confused? All I do is feel but at the very depths is the numbness the darkness and I beome the darkness and it swallows me whole. Do they do heart transplants for broken hearts? Sign me up…

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