Wednesday, November 17, 2004

‘Every relationship has an expiration date…’

‘Every relationship has an expiration date…’

This thought keeps going through my head right now – hell I don’t even know where I read this line - and, along with everything else, it is conspiring to make me miserable.

I have so many things I want to say and/or write and I’ve just been avoiding it all because – because why? Fear, not wanting to cry, not wanting to break down? I don’t know why….

I want – I want to say so much; I want so much, I want – and it’s become my downfall…

I want for all of this to never have happened, I want to go back and I know that’s impossible. I know too much now, right? So now I have to be killed or our love has to be killed. Because I can’t look into your eyes anymore and know if you are telling me the truth.

There’s a song as well as this phrase and it keeps playing in my head and it’s a moonlight sonata and it’s haunting me and it’s driving me mad and I want it to stop. But it’s beautiful despite the sadness and the tears are necessary; slow poison draining from me.

I want to become the first person to sign up for that experiment where they erase all the painful memories from my mind (like ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’) – I want to have a spotless mind because this hurts so much and I ache with all of this.

And I feel like I am on the threshold of something greater for me (and I feel that you are there for you as well) and I want us to make that leap and move on because there is nothing left for us anymore and we must do this – we must move on. So perhaps it’s time for this love to expire because this love is dead and we can’t keep drudging up the past and we can’t stay here anymore and there is no future for us if there is no trust.

I wish we could just say goodbye for a little while and then come back together after we have had our separateness for a bit – after you have sated your curiosity and found yourself, after I have made love to a woman or another man or taken several lovers – but we can’t do that, can we? You won’t allow it or I won’t allow it or society won’t allow it to happen. I don’t know why I feel if we allowed it to happen just for a little while that somehow, someday, we could be together and be OK. But then this is all just part of my dream or my delusion, take your pick.

And you are not strong enough for this are you? It’s OK neither am I.

Yet… part of me still wants to be your dancing girl and I still want to have you hold me and tell me all the things you used to say and I want to sleep beside you still and I want to make love by moonlight and candlelight... anything but the harsh light of the reality that makes me have to say goodbye.

1 Comments:

Blogger Ohjeeze said...

I just saw that movie last night. We learn from our experiences. You probably learned some valuable things from all of this. Your past makes you who you are, and in the long run, you will be a better person beccause of it, even if you don't see it now.

6:29 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Photobucket