The hole in my heart
I just don't even know where to begin....
I've raved and ranted, I've let the world know just how heart-broken I was over what happened in my marriage. I've gotten nasty and vicious and all those things scorned women get....it literally does my heart no good. In fact at times I am pretty sure I am going to end up having heart failure (it's something you know - in a way that's the very core of your DNA). One of the women I work with in the Center for Integrative Medicine is a nurse who talks about heart attacks in relation to these things - she says if you look at people who have had heart attacks, you can almost pin-point 2-5 years in the past where they took a huge emotional blow. It' happened to my mom and now it's happening to me....
For all the hate I spewed. All the dysfunction. There is still some sort of 'feeling' inside of my for him. I don't know why. Part of me feels like I am in bondage. He calls me -we talk - why? Because I think that just continuing to be nasty to him isn't helping anyone. I've asked him to leave me alone - he does not.
While he has been in Florida, I have been feeding his cats (I reason that they were once my cats too) - but it's like there are invisible string tying me still to him and I can't seem to break them. I desperately need to do this. It's like spyder's web (pun intended) silk and it's sticky and powerful.
I just discovered while I was at his place that he has indeed been having trysts with me - it was always an inkling before - now is more of an in-your-face proof. To say I am once again devastated would be an understatement. I am physically ill. Mainly because he has kept saying over and over - he will change - he wants to win/woo me back - and while for the most part I've blown him off as being full of shit (well mainly because he's always been full of shit and a liar) - still the cold hard truth staring me down did something to me. It made me unravel all over again - I don't know why. I am hurting so badly - and I don't know why. I don't know why I needed to be kept safe from this info - I really don't know what I expected - I don't know why I am crying as I write this - I don't know why yet again, my heart feels broken. I do - but I don't - When you've loved someone for as long as I've loved him - broken relationship or not - it somehow becomes part of the fabric of your you-ness. I knew it was hopeless - but that little tiny part of me just clung to hope like somehow, someday he would figure things out, he would get help, he would change - but I guess I also knew deep down that would never happen - it's why I got divorced from him - if I had honestly felt there was hope - I'd have never filed those papers. So...I still don't know why this hurts me so badly (yet again...).
When we found out his dad died, and he told me he was going to Florida - my exact words to him were 'Good - why don't you stay down there with your Mom - it's a way for you to start over' - I meant it - when he calls to check on the cats - I still tell him to stay there. I tell him I am not a reason for him to return. I am sure we could figure out a way to get him his stuff. All I know is I don't want him back - not ever.
I have not told him that I found out what I found out. I wrote him an e-mail (oh how very me of me)- in the e-mail I told him everything - I did ask him the other day if he read his e-mail - he said he had not gotten around to it yet - he asked me why - but I changed the subject - it's not something I am going to fight about over the phone. In the e-mail, I told I would feed his cats but then I'd leave his keys once I knew he was coming home and that I wanted no further contact with him...I don't know why I think 'this time' he will listen to me. I don't want to face him to tell him what I know, because if I break down in front of him he will know he's hurt me (and perhaps that's why he does this?) - I can't bear this shit anymore - I am just not this strong - my heart can't take it - literally. All I want is for him to go away - be out of my life, stop calling me, stop pulling at me, stop all of it.
I don't know how many of you have had this happen - I think women who are betrayed go through this more than men do - they just want their ex to die - that way it's all over with. I don't know when you are suppose to stop feeling this way. At times I just with *I* could die and end this cycle of love/hate/longing/delusion.
Mr. C is very wise - he wants me to think differently - I know that I have to (for my own sanity) - he is right. He feels and I've known this as well too for a long time - that it's a co-dependent relationship - we apparently both get something out of this. Although for a while now there's been nothing for me to get out of it other than listening to him or helping him out once in a while. Even though I still hurt - the hurt isn't as sharp - it's this dull ache - but I cry now, once again cause it rises up, sharp as a razor's edge and clamps onto me like a pit bull and won't let go - and Goddess all I want is freedom from this - just once and for all. My other friend (she is his friend too - Miss G - the one who is forcing her boyfriend to marry her) - wants me to not say anything to him at all - why should I be so cruel to him right after he lost his dad she wants to know (right, a dad he absolutely hated - a dad who is the reason he is having trysts with older men) - spare him? Why? Because I am so fucking compassionate? Nope - not this time. This time I think that in order to do what I need to do I need to stop being so nice and I need to make it so that there is absolutely no question at all that he needs to leave me the hell alone - that there is no hope - there's nothing to hold onto and there's never going to be. Faerie tales are nice but that's all they are - they are not reality. It's not easy (has any of this been easy?) - those of you who have read me all along know (I think) how hard this has all been for me - I want to ask Mr. C at times though what advice he has for me to accomplish what I need to do other that 'put him (my ex) on ignore'. It's harder said than done, Mr. C. But I shall have to try with all my might - because my life depends on it....
For those of you who live local to me - I am going to need your help a bit (if that's not too too much to ask) - help me to get out a little more - and any of you who want a go at it with him - by all means - I don't mean to ask - I just need some help....
I've raved and ranted, I've let the world know just how heart-broken I was over what happened in my marriage. I've gotten nasty and vicious and all those things scorned women get....it literally does my heart no good. In fact at times I am pretty sure I am going to end up having heart failure (it's something you know - in a way that's the very core of your DNA). One of the women I work with in the Center for Integrative Medicine is a nurse who talks about heart attacks in relation to these things - she says if you look at people who have had heart attacks, you can almost pin-point 2-5 years in the past where they took a huge emotional blow. It' happened to my mom and now it's happening to me....
For all the hate I spewed. All the dysfunction. There is still some sort of 'feeling' inside of my for him. I don't know why. Part of me feels like I am in bondage. He calls me -we talk - why? Because I think that just continuing to be nasty to him isn't helping anyone. I've asked him to leave me alone - he does not.
While he has been in Florida, I have been feeding his cats (I reason that they were once my cats too) - but it's like there are invisible string tying me still to him and I can't seem to break them. I desperately need to do this. It's like spyder's web (pun intended) silk and it's sticky and powerful.
I just discovered while I was at his place that he has indeed been having trysts with me - it was always an inkling before - now is more of an in-your-face proof. To say I am once again devastated would be an understatement. I am physically ill. Mainly because he has kept saying over and over - he will change - he wants to win/woo me back - and while for the most part I've blown him off as being full of shit (well mainly because he's always been full of shit and a liar) - still the cold hard truth staring me down did something to me. It made me unravel all over again - I don't know why. I am hurting so badly - and I don't know why. I don't know why I needed to be kept safe from this info - I really don't know what I expected - I don't know why I am crying as I write this - I don't know why yet again, my heart feels broken. I do - but I don't - When you've loved someone for as long as I've loved him - broken relationship or not - it somehow becomes part of the fabric of your you-ness. I knew it was hopeless - but that little tiny part of me just clung to hope like somehow, someday he would figure things out, he would get help, he would change - but I guess I also knew deep down that would never happen - it's why I got divorced from him - if I had honestly felt there was hope - I'd have never filed those papers. So...I still don't know why this hurts me so badly (yet again...).
When we found out his dad died, and he told me he was going to Florida - my exact words to him were 'Good - why don't you stay down there with your Mom - it's a way for you to start over' - I meant it - when he calls to check on the cats - I still tell him to stay there. I tell him I am not a reason for him to return. I am sure we could figure out a way to get him his stuff. All I know is I don't want him back - not ever.
I have not told him that I found out what I found out. I wrote him an e-mail (oh how very me of me)- in the e-mail I told him everything - I did ask him the other day if he read his e-mail - he said he had not gotten around to it yet - he asked me why - but I changed the subject - it's not something I am going to fight about over the phone. In the e-mail, I told I would feed his cats but then I'd leave his keys once I knew he was coming home and that I wanted no further contact with him...I don't know why I think 'this time' he will listen to me. I don't want to face him to tell him what I know, because if I break down in front of him he will know he's hurt me (and perhaps that's why he does this?) - I can't bear this shit anymore - I am just not this strong - my heart can't take it - literally. All I want is for him to go away - be out of my life, stop calling me, stop pulling at me, stop all of it.
I don't know how many of you have had this happen - I think women who are betrayed go through this more than men do - they just want their ex to die - that way it's all over with. I don't know when you are suppose to stop feeling this way. At times I just with *I* could die and end this cycle of love/hate/longing/delusion.
Mr. C is very wise - he wants me to think differently - I know that I have to (for my own sanity) - he is right. He feels and I've known this as well too for a long time - that it's a co-dependent relationship - we apparently both get something out of this. Although for a while now there's been nothing for me to get out of it other than listening to him or helping him out once in a while. Even though I still hurt - the hurt isn't as sharp - it's this dull ache - but I cry now, once again cause it rises up, sharp as a razor's edge and clamps onto me like a pit bull and won't let go - and Goddess all I want is freedom from this - just once and for all. My other friend (she is his friend too - Miss G - the one who is forcing her boyfriend to marry her) - wants me to not say anything to him at all - why should I be so cruel to him right after he lost his dad she wants to know (right, a dad he absolutely hated - a dad who is the reason he is having trysts with older men) - spare him? Why? Because I am so fucking compassionate? Nope - not this time. This time I think that in order to do what I need to do I need to stop being so nice and I need to make it so that there is absolutely no question at all that he needs to leave me the hell alone - that there is no hope - there's nothing to hold onto and there's never going to be. Faerie tales are nice but that's all they are - they are not reality. It's not easy (has any of this been easy?) - those of you who have read me all along know (I think) how hard this has all been for me - I want to ask Mr. C at times though what advice he has for me to accomplish what I need to do other that 'put him (my ex) on ignore'. It's harder said than done, Mr. C. But I shall have to try with all my might - because my life depends on it....
For those of you who live local to me - I am going to need your help a bit (if that's not too too much to ask) - help me to get out a little more - and any of you who want a go at it with him - by all means - I don't mean to ask - I just need some help....
3 Comments:
Anything you need baby, anytime....You know there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, my heart sister...
I can certainly relate to most everything you've shared. I was married 26 years when I divorced. It amazes me how similar experiences can be in these circumstances. Someone once told me that you never really know a man until you divorce him. Like you, I thought things could not get worse afterwards, but it has. It seems neverending!! Now my children suffer from his attitude, and I can't think of anything worse.
My separation lasted nearly 5 years. The ordeal was painful, to say the least. At the end of four years of separation, I DID develop a heart condition. I had an atrial fibrillation. Your instincts could be correct. You are wise to realize this can happen, and I hope you will do whatever it takes to rid yourself of the stress to prevent this from taking such a toll on your life. Things like diet, exercise, etc., play a major role in your general well-being. I'm sure you are aware of this, as was I, but there were times I just didn't care. I vegetated on the sofa and ate very little, slept very little, and experienced my pain. It took a bit of personal care to get through it and back on track. The condition was considered a 'random fib', because it has not reoccurred. I hope you will find ways to prevent a similiar fate.
I could go down the list of the the things I relate to here. I attended classes five years for codependency during my marriage. Like you, I thought eventually he would come to his senses and change, not for me, but for himself, because he so desperately needs to. It will likely never happen, and I've had to come to terms with it. In fact, he has now become more of himself (his disgusting self) with me out of the picture. It's difficult to observe, especially because my children have this father as an example.
I could go on and on, but this is YOUR blog (which I enjoy very much, btw), not mine, ha! I just wanted you to know, you are not alone in your feelings.
I recently began a blog of my own, feeling that I had finally transcended this place you describe. I've journaled for years, and thought it would be an extension of that. I found myself blocked for weeks, and when I finally began writing...I found I had not begun to deal with these feelings, and much to my dismay, my blog has centered around this subject, and the fact that I must get through these feelings before I can concentrate on other things. I'm sure you can relate.
I see that you are a yoga instructor. I practiced yoga for years, but have not in some time. It's one of those things I hope to return to soon. I was at my best, in many ways, during the time I practiced.
Anyway...my best to you. I hope you find a way to come to terms with your situation and become stable in your mind and body again. Unfortunately, as you stated, divorce does not separate us from our past experiences with that person...I pray for you to find a way to feel peaceful despite it all.
Di :))
(You might like to check out a book I suggested in my blog. A friend of mine told me about it, and it has helped me vent a bit. It's entitled 'Bittergirl' by Annabel Griffiths, Alison Lawrence, and Mary Frances Moore.)
"When you've loved someone for as long as I've loved him - broken relationship or not - it somehow becomes part of the fabric of your you-ness."
When I read this/your comment, I recalled something I'd heard on an episode of 'Six Feet Under'. It spoke to me when I heard it, so I wrote it down. I think it will speak for you as it did for me, so I looked it up again to share with you. Also, a friend of mine wrote a song that echoes the same sentiment. I'll send it to you in e-mail later.
Anyway the the lines were from a discussion between the mother/daughter characters, Ruth and Claire. Ruth's husband, and Claire's father, had died and they were discussing the things they would miss in his absence. (I realize death and divorce are not the same, but the results can be sometimes.) Anyway...one of Ruth's lines read as follows:
'I miss him too. There will never be another man who will love me when I'm young and pretty and always have that picture of me somewhere in his heart.'
Perhaps the line will resonate with you as it did w/me.
You know, I regret the loss of my marriage and everything that entails, but I can honestly say, I don't miss him or want him back, so I realize that may be a small blessing amidst the chaos of divorce. I hope you will someday feel better about yourself without him, if that is what it takes to move beyond this.
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