Karma Chameleon...
I am getting ready to go and get my blood drawn yet again…and then to be on pins and needles waiting for the outcome (and yes I had to use the word needles – sorry)
You know it’s the ‘vagueness’ of the whole thing that has me unnerved – like I was saying to C2 why can’t they just give you a ‘cancer’ test? Like a pregnancy test – either you have it or you don’t...
And I’m tired…so very tired...
Weird things happen and then my mind focuses on the ‘cause and effect’ universe and it become more than just a coincidence to me…conversations somehow take on more meaning, or perhaps I am just thinking too much, too hard, and now trying to hold onto things seek out their relevance...
My ex (my son’s dad) told me that he felt I could ‘get through anything’ he actually was horrified when I broke down in front of him and he lashed out at me when I said I don’t want to go through thinks (like chemo, like radiation) and I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable when someone says they just don’t want to ‘fight’ but part of me doesn’t – if this IS something and Goddess how I even hate the idea of thinking about that – then I might decline the treatment and I guess that makes me stupid or a coward...
Little things…little things...
Like last night a movie I haven’t seen since I was young and was recently thinking about came on TV and I opted out of seeing Mr. C – who I desperately want (in some ways need) to see….(LOL me wondering if I am to be treated for anemia will he still ‘love me’ cause I won’t be quite so pale (gothic looking))….but it’s OK we will see each other in the next night or two...
Then there was me watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ last night and the discussion of ‘karma’ came up and people have things happen to them who ‘don’t deserve it’ and I am not sure what exactly they were getting at – I have a hard time wrapping my mind around disease as a karmic pay-back – I mean I believe in karma too and I know we have karmic debts but the idea that people undeserving somehow get sick and that’s due to what? Karma they have yet to burn off? I’ve done enough damage to others in my lifetime to warrant a ‘Looney Toons’ end to my life (a piano falling from a roof, crushing me to death)- *shrugs* who knows – more suffering, sure I am up for that – anytime...life is suffering I get it...*really* I do...
Then today I find out we are having a ‘Soul Food’ luncheon and I don’t know the irony of the whole thing just hits me...
...and now I am babbling...
You know it’s the ‘vagueness’ of the whole thing that has me unnerved – like I was saying to C2 why can’t they just give you a ‘cancer’ test? Like a pregnancy test – either you have it or you don’t...
And I’m tired…so very tired...
Weird things happen and then my mind focuses on the ‘cause and effect’ universe and it become more than just a coincidence to me…conversations somehow take on more meaning, or perhaps I am just thinking too much, too hard, and now trying to hold onto things seek out their relevance...
My ex (my son’s dad) told me that he felt I could ‘get through anything’ he actually was horrified when I broke down in front of him and he lashed out at me when I said I don’t want to go through thinks (like chemo, like radiation) and I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable when someone says they just don’t want to ‘fight’ but part of me doesn’t – if this IS something and Goddess how I even hate the idea of thinking about that – then I might decline the treatment and I guess that makes me stupid or a coward...
Little things…little things...
Like last night a movie I haven’t seen since I was young and was recently thinking about came on TV and I opted out of seeing Mr. C – who I desperately want (in some ways need) to see….(LOL me wondering if I am to be treated for anemia will he still ‘love me’ cause I won’t be quite so pale (gothic looking))….but it’s OK we will see each other in the next night or two...
Then there was me watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ last night and the discussion of ‘karma’ came up and people have things happen to them who ‘don’t deserve it’ and I am not sure what exactly they were getting at – I have a hard time wrapping my mind around disease as a karmic pay-back – I mean I believe in karma too and I know we have karmic debts but the idea that people undeserving somehow get sick and that’s due to what? Karma they have yet to burn off? I’ve done enough damage to others in my lifetime to warrant a ‘Looney Toons’ end to my life (a piano falling from a roof, crushing me to death)- *shrugs* who knows – more suffering, sure I am up for that – anytime...life is suffering I get it...*really* I do...
Then today I find out we are having a ‘Soul Food’ luncheon and I don’t know the irony of the whole thing just hits me...
...and now I am babbling...
posted by Colette at 11:23 AM
1 Comments:
Dear C,
People often babble when they are upset, or confused. Sounds like a HUGE level of stress you certainly don't deserve, my darling.
I go to the doctor a week from today, to tell her about my odd chest pains, and sleep apnea.
I agree with the idea of a "Looney Tunes" type death. I'll probably get shot by a deranged hunter or something...
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