Letters

I've been writing a lot of letters lately - to let people know how I feel - typically these are people that I don't get to see in person or it's just better to write to them like in a letter because they probably would not be able to 'talk' about the things I write about comfortably face-to-face. I don't consider it a cop-out - I am more than happy to tell things to someone's face - but these letters stand nonetheless...

The first one is to the guy that had been pursuing me somewhat relentlessly via phone and sometimes e-mail - we have never met and that's mainly because he's always too busy, either with his 'job' (and I am using the term loosely here), or his young daughter...he was telling me that he was involved in a non-profit organization (he had created himself) yet the times when I talked with him about it, he seemed so secretive it was completely off-putting. Then, there was the fact I could not call him after a certain hour because it would disturb time with his daughter, and it's not that I don't respect that - but c'mon - he could have certainly talked to me later in the evening, once she was 'in bed' and it just seemed weird since he claimed she did not live with him...there were other odd things too and it just didn't 'add up' so I became a bit wary of him and his motives...

There was always something 'not-quite-right' with him and when recently *I* had to cancel yet another one of our 'scheduled' meetings he suddenly changed his tune (meanwhile he had cancelled on me a half a dozen times...)

So I wrote him:

'I thought I would write to you because I really didn't like the note on which our last correspondence ended and while you barely know me (for real) and I truly have no clue as to who you *really* are - I still feel the need to speak my truth - you may disregard as you will..up to you.

I have no idea why what you wrote last to me was tinged with a certain sarcasm.(And perhaps that's MY projection - but it did not feel that way) while I did not mean to assume anything about you - it holds somewhat evident to me (if only by what transpired each and every time we spoke) that YOU WOULD BE BUSY.

I can't help that I too am busy - and I figured that was what the problem between us, with our constantly trying to 'meet up' but never being able to. I never judged you harshly on our 'mis-steps' and I certainly don't appreciate any judgment on your part - it was not meant in any way to harm - we just never seemed to synchronize our schedules. But then I was pretty up front with you (as I am with all potential suitors) about how hectic my life is....

For the record - you had written to me previously a while back on a different sort of match-up thingy - and you seemed rather desperate then. When I decided to talk to you this time, I told you I could not be reached during the day by cell, because I worked in a hospital, and yet you would call me on my cell several times during the day - I don't want this to come off as chastisement but it seems to me you paid no attention to anything I said - perhaps you were off in your own little world?

As a woman who just got finished dealing with a spouse who was completely irresponsible - it did not do me any good to hear you up and quit a job suddenly regardless of the reason - I am looking for a man in my life who is fiscally in good shape (and it has nothing to do with materialism, John - it's just common sense) - so you perhaps can make ends meet on your non-for-profit job - however a lot of what you discussed with me came across as you being rather unstable and at times it felt even 'secretive' I don't know why. Even though it gave me pause that you were at one point (apparently), a diamond dealer - because I worry about the poor people suffering at the hands of an unscrupulous diamond businesses in the Sierra Leone region - I still decided you were worth meeting...

You seem to be a 'name-dropper', John - and further you seem to think I would care about it - I don't. And while I admire your efforts to help others less fortunate, I DON'T CARE who you know - it is of no consequence to me - famous people are still just people and I always got the feeling you were trying somehow to impress me and I am not easily impressed anymore.

You have a young daughter - frankly John, that should be an alarm for me - and I DO believe I mentioned this in an e-mail I wrote to you, but you of course probably disregarded that too - I have a son who is ready to graduate soon. I am probably not going to be best suited to being in a relationship where there's a little girl to be reared (not that it would be any of *my* responsibility - however it WOULD impact me) - and you seemed REALLY busy with her and that's a good thing and a wonderful thing - but I suppose I was looking for someone with more in common on some of those 'other' levels....someone more free to just be spontaneous etc...perhaps someone who is not as 'tied down'....

Good luck with everything, John. I hope your efforts to help those less fortunate than yourself are successful. I wish you peace.'

The next one is to my son's father - I've been feuding with him and trying to get him to co-parent with me and it's like banging my head against a brick wall - I always come up bleeding. When for my b-day, my son did not even manage to get me a card and 3 days later showed up with a $50 gift card that his dad 'made him buy' I had had it...with both of them:

'Dear M -

I don't know if you will get this letter, or, barring that if you will read it - I kind of doubt it...

Tony finally brought home my gift card yesterday but I am simply not interested in it at all - and I am not mad, I am hurt. I don't men to seem ungratful - I do appreciate the 'thought' - but it's not what I wanted and certainly not in the manner or spirit in which it was presented to me - more like an obligation and not out of love or caring...

I am tired of this and I am sure you are tired of hearing me complain.

When I took up the parenting of Tony after my marriage went south, I figured I was helping you out as well. I was hoping between the 3 of us we could heal some of the rifts that took place - I guess I was wrong.

I am absolutely frustrated with how difficult it is to get you to parent with me - I thought we were BOTH parents to him - not you in your way and me in mine - not us playing tug of war with a teen pulling the strings - I thought we were ALWAYS supposed to present a united front - but instead, he plays us against each other and I find myself always having to battle you as well - we *both* put him in the middle (which is wrong of BOTH OF US) and it's not healthy either - but what I am trying to do is get you to CO-PARENT WITH ME...it's not something that should be open for debate my dear, HE'S THE KID, *WE'RE* the parents, or have you forgotten that?

When Tony and I went shopping at x-mas time for your present, we put some thought into it (and likewise you guys seemed to put some thought into mine so I want to thank you for that) - but for my birthday this time, it was just total bullshit. All I actually wanted was time with you both, a nice dinner,perhaps a cake - just time together - a card maybe - not a $50 Visa card for god knows what - to me that's a cop out and I am saddened to realise that neither of you care enough or know me well enough to figure out I don't need a gift card - if I want crap, I can by crap for myself. What I really want you can't manage to help make happen, I want some respect, I want some kindness, I want to mend what little remains of the shards of this family in the little amount of time we have left before Tony goes off to college etc. This is a family YOU AND I created - but because of the bitterness you have towards me STILL within you, I get treated like the enemy and in turn now, my son treats me the same....

Every single x-mas or b-day, I am handed a 'laundry list' of gifts to get for Tony and he expects them and he usually gets them between the two of us - but to me this is a cop-out on our part - the best gifts I've ever gotten were where people took some time and effort but I suppose this makes me a nut case in your book.

And I don't want you yelling at him about what I am writing to you - this isn't you and him against me - this is me speaking to you as an adult about issues that I feel need to be addressed - you are so inappropriate with him at times I can't even begin to fathom it. Tony is your SON - NOT your buddy or friend and your treating him as such is doing a huge disservice to him and it actually demeans a father/son relationship. When I try to engage you in things to talk with you about what's going on you turn around and yell at him and say things like: 'Why can't you make your mother happy?' um for the record, I don't want or need my son to make me happy - I am trying to teach him to be responsible and act in a manner befitting a kid with some respect for his parents and some common sense. You think I am being too harsh, too strict because I feel it's improper of him to be sleeping over at his 'girlfriends' all night on the weekends or simply not coming home all weekend at all - I suppose this makes you proud of him or some such shit - but it's not cool M -, it just isn't, and while it might be OK with her parents (her dad's an alcoholic and her mom's either clueless or oblivious) this is not an 'I'm-going-to-look-the-other-way' scenario for me - they can do their 'white'trash' thing in their home but it does not mean I agree or approve of these kids sleeping together and don't hand me that it's completely innocent. You keep putting this on Tony having to make me happy and that's NOT what THIS is about; it's about him being only 17 yrs old and her just turning 18 and them both being a bit young for this - and that might make me prudish or out of touch but you know what - better I be this way than a grandmother by them...or make his girlfriend have to get an abortion - are you OK with this? Cause I think as parents we NEED to and it is our DUTY to help them make the right decisions - and yes he's getting older and in your book he's a man - well in my book they are both still kids....call me a lunatic (and you probably do).

For the record, not that you care, I DO think Tony is brilliant and wonderful and I think he can succeed with his music or with anything else - but he also needs to hedge his bets so he does not have to work a meaningless job while playing gigs in bars at nights and then still be unable to support himself (let alone a family if he and this girl have an 'accident'). I think that he needs guidance, not as in your estimation when he turns 18 - a trip to Amsterdam complete with hookers and all the drugs he wants. But hey, what the fuck do I know. Quite a bonding experience for the 2 of you there, some men fish with their sons, you're going to buy yours a hooker - nice. Even nicer that he thinks this is cool and worth passing onto his mother almost like throwing down a gauntlet; a 'look how cool dad is and how un-cool you are' type of thing, and this isn't a contest...at least not in my book it isn't.

I don't know what do to or where to go from here, I don't know what to even say anymore. I am sorry if this is harsh and comes at a bad time. I want a dialogue with you as an equal, as his *other* parent, but you have to want it too, M - and you can't buy any of that with a $50 Visa gift card.