Open Letter to my Daughter

And no people she does not read this blog - she can't she's rather isolated and I haven't decided yet whether to mail this to her or give it to her in person because I am certain it would end our relationship, but, nonetheless, here it is:

Rissa,

Well I had a sleepless night last night, worried about you and your situation.

I am so hurt that I was not sure I could even write this to you...but I feel I have to.

I guess what has me so upset is your need to lie to me – to hide things from me, like smoking (yes Dad told me) and now, your being pregnant AGAIN. I am not very sure about the future of our relationship when you make the choice consciously to hold back. I have never wanted anything but the best for you – I have always loved you and I have to say that it seems that you constantly are putting more trust in others (like your cousins), than you are in your own mom. If you didn’t want to have a relationship my dear, we didn’t have to – it is entirely your choice, but I don’t appreciate constantly being the last one to find out because of some imagined worry on your part.

True, I am angry, no doubt about it – why wouldn’t I be – I was there and I heard what the doctors had to say with your last labour and delivery, they said you shouldn't get pregnant again, Rissa. What mother in her right mind wouldn’t react this way – for the record, it’s out of love, nothing more, nothing less. You are the one putting the burden on this relationship because you think I am going to be angry – but I am angry at your choices not at you (just like when you were a teen), I am angry with my son-in-law because I don’t think someone who loves you puts your life at risk like this (and I am not saying you are not equally responsible or in this case being irresponsible) - did you ever think of handing him a Playboy and pointing him in the direction of the couch??? I guess not, I guess that goes against all that 'stuff' in your Bible; I am angry with your in-laws especially Diane because you are MY daughter NOT hers and I don’t appreciate her rejoicing in what could be a life-threatening situation for both you AND this baby. Not to mention what this is going to take away from the other children. I am not talking about food, or clothing here, although quite frankly for all of Brian’s talk of hating the government’s intrusion into his life – he is sure willing to take hand-outs from that same government – I find that hypocritical, Marissa. No, Rissa, I am talking about what’s going to happen when you are so overwhelmed that the other children are neglected. Do you want to know why Seth is really acting out, Marissa? Think about it…soon they will all be feeling that way.

I find using the Bible to hide behind to put your life at risk and the children in financial difficulties is wrong, I find it to be bad judgment and I dare say Brian is not a man of his word – since I believe you told me HE SAID he was going to get fixed – but then I knew that was a lie – because I knew he wouldn’t. I find it all to be a lot of bullshit. And the people I see suffering aren’t Brian and his family – it’s you and the kids, Rissa.

I don’t believe in a God that preaches it’s OK to lie to your mom (or hide important things from her – because to me hiding things is the same as lying), or in a God that puts your life at risk – because that’s exactly what you have decided to do by not getting fixed and by not being more careful (both of you!). I don’t know anywhere in the Bible where it says you should have babies at the risk of your own health. If there is a passage, please show it to me – but you won’t find one.

I am sorry to be harsh and if you want to stop speaking to me that’s entirely up to you – your choice – you seem to be making them without any regard anyways. I am not saying you aren’t a grown up – you are. Very much so. I am not saying you aren’t entitled to make a decision. You are. Obviously you have. What I AM saying is not to expect me to jump on some ‘Christian’ band wagon and be happy or supportive ‘cause I simply can’t be. It’s called you make your bed, you lie in it. I am saddened that you seem to think this is what you should be doing in light of the concern over your having these children too closely together. I can’t imagine how in the world you are going to support all of these children on what Brian makes – but then I suppose if Diane and Scott are willing to bankroll more grandchildren all the better. Your dad and I feel quite differently. And you were right, dad’s pretty upset but I am sure he will get over it – I will too, but I am still going to think this wasn’t such a great idea. I am worried because I love all of you, yes even Brian. And, because it’s different now-a-days than it was when we were raising you guys – it’s much harder to make it on just one income. But then I never depended on my in-laws or my government to pay part of my mortgage or support me for having too many children.

And sure, I suppose I could talk about how I did not raise you to be a ‘welfare mom’, or talk about how the decisions you make affect ALL the other people on the planet, and how I don’t think God gave us these abilities to squander when there are already too many homeless, starving people/children here now, and how we were not given this planet to destroy with our wars, pollution-spewing filthy factories, or to over populate ‘just because’ but then I doubt you’d hear what I am saying.

I can’t help but feel angry and hurt. If you could somhow see your way clear, it’s merely out of my love and concern for you and the children. I love you, I always will – but it’s time for me to stop acting like I am thrilled about this. I will pray to God (the God that to me seems a bit more reasonable), to keep you safe and out of harms way. I will pray that this pregnancy ends well – whatever that happens to be; I will pray for the future of our relationship because I don’t see how you can have a mother/daughter relationship based on keeping secrets. I hope in the future you will at least feel ‘safe’ enough to talk to me – there is no wrath to fear from me, Marissa, you aren’t a child anymore. The only thing to fear here is your inability to make good decisions for your own health (mental and otherwise) and for that of your children.

I love you,
Mom