Say What???
OK so things in my family have been, to say the least, completely out of whack what with finding out about my son….as anyone can imagine.
It has caused a huge rift between his father and me because I am from the ‘alarmist/let’s do something NOW!’ school of attack while his dad is from (as my brother rightly coined it) the ‘Charlie Brown’ school of thought: “There’s no problem too big that it can’t be ignored”. He’s an ostrich (I seem to somehow gyrate towards that in my male partners – it’s like pretty markings on bird only different – geez I am babbling) – he ignores important things…..
Yesterday, I found out from my daughter that her step-dad (also my son’s dad) told her that she should have never told me about her brother’s drug use, that she should have gone to him first, that I have made his and Tony’s life miserable (by insisting on getting help), that it’s ‘not such a big deal’ (RIGHT! Snorting Oxycontin is *never* a big deal), and that – get this one – THAT SHE OWES HER BROTHER AN APOLOGY!!!! (for narcing on him)…
He is insane.
Last night we had to go together to meet the counselor and we had some time together before this session. I went completely ballistic on him. Nuts. I told him he either needed to get on board or get the hell out of the way. I told him he was to never again tell my daughter NOT to tell me things. I told him she came to me first because I AM THE MOM, and as a mom herself she felt that ‘connection’. She came to me exactly because she knew he would not do anything about this.
I hated even doing this – I DID – but I am not going to play the ‘he said/she said’ game when my son’s life is on the line – either we are ALL going to pull together and help or I need to be left alone to get him the help he needs. So my ex capitulated (somewhat – we will see as time goes on).
We went to see the counselor – I like this guy. We sat down to talk and I figured the onus of this would fall on me because my ex hated counseling and ‘talking’ – to my astonishment not only did he monopolise the session – he admitted fault. I was shocked. But not nearly as shocked as when the counselor (without even meeting or assessing my son), announced to us that he felt my son had ADD/ADHD – I almost fell off the couch.
It didn’t make any sense. My son isn’t hyperactive. He does not ‘bounce off the walls’ he’s never been disruptive in class. But apparently there’s more to the diagnosis than that. He DOES have some of the symptoms – but then so do ALL of us….especially teens.
His dad and I for once, seemed to be completely on the same page here…we were both pretty skeptical.
So now, Saturday, my son will meet this guy, get assessed and if he still insists that this is the ‘diagnosis’ I am going to insist on some form of testing to make sure….
Today, I did some internet research. I also put in a call to his pediatrician, as well as the doctor who did evaluate him a couple of years ago for ‘anxiety’ issues. His pediatrician seemed surprised. I have not heard yet from the other doctor. Below is a list of what constitutes ‘attention deficit’:
Signs of an attention problem
• Difficulty following instructions
• Not seeming to listen to parents or teachers
• Not being able to focus on activities
• Frequently losing things needed for school or at home
• Not being able to pay attention to details
• Appearing disorganized
• Being unable to plan ahead effectively
• Being forgetful
• Appearing very distractible
The ‘test/survey’ I used to see if my son fit into any of the other criteria can be found at the link HERE
Sure enough, he had a really high score, indicating that he does indeed exhibit the symptoms of this – but this is ME judging it, not a professional, and not anyone else who might be a bit objective. However, I DO know my son, and he definitely has many of the behaviours of this disorder. So now we will see. We are all still concerned over the drug use and that HAS to be addressed. Perhaps this man will be able to somehow get through to my son and help him – in the meantime I am going to do what I can to try to find out about this problem – although I am not immediately rushing to it as an ‘answer’ or cure.
It has caused a huge rift between his father and me because I am from the ‘alarmist/let’s do something NOW!’ school of attack while his dad is from (as my brother rightly coined it) the ‘Charlie Brown’ school of thought: “There’s no problem too big that it can’t be ignored”. He’s an ostrich (I seem to somehow gyrate towards that in my male partners – it’s like pretty markings on bird only different – geez I am babbling) – he ignores important things…..
Yesterday, I found out from my daughter that her step-dad (also my son’s dad) told her that she should have never told me about her brother’s drug use, that she should have gone to him first, that I have made his and Tony’s life miserable (by insisting on getting help), that it’s ‘not such a big deal’ (RIGHT! Snorting Oxycontin is *never* a big deal), and that – get this one – THAT SHE OWES HER BROTHER AN APOLOGY!!!! (for narcing on him)…
He is insane.
Last night we had to go together to meet the counselor and we had some time together before this session. I went completely ballistic on him. Nuts. I told him he either needed to get on board or get the hell out of the way. I told him he was to never again tell my daughter NOT to tell me things. I told him she came to me first because I AM THE MOM, and as a mom herself she felt that ‘connection’. She came to me exactly because she knew he would not do anything about this.
I hated even doing this – I DID – but I am not going to play the ‘he said/she said’ game when my son’s life is on the line – either we are ALL going to pull together and help or I need to be left alone to get him the help he needs. So my ex capitulated (somewhat – we will see as time goes on).
We went to see the counselor – I like this guy. We sat down to talk and I figured the onus of this would fall on me because my ex hated counseling and ‘talking’ – to my astonishment not only did he monopolise the session – he admitted fault. I was shocked. But not nearly as shocked as when the counselor (without even meeting or assessing my son), announced to us that he felt my son had ADD/ADHD – I almost fell off the couch.
It didn’t make any sense. My son isn’t hyperactive. He does not ‘bounce off the walls’ he’s never been disruptive in class. But apparently there’s more to the diagnosis than that. He DOES have some of the symptoms – but then so do ALL of us….especially teens.
His dad and I for once, seemed to be completely on the same page here…we were both pretty skeptical.
So now, Saturday, my son will meet this guy, get assessed and if he still insists that this is the ‘diagnosis’ I am going to insist on some form of testing to make sure….
Today, I did some internet research. I also put in a call to his pediatrician, as well as the doctor who did evaluate him a couple of years ago for ‘anxiety’ issues. His pediatrician seemed surprised. I have not heard yet from the other doctor. Below is a list of what constitutes ‘attention deficit’:
Signs of an attention problem
• Difficulty following instructions
• Not seeming to listen to parents or teachers
• Not being able to focus on activities
• Frequently losing things needed for school or at home
• Not being able to pay attention to details
• Appearing disorganized
• Being unable to plan ahead effectively
• Being forgetful
• Appearing very distractible
The ‘test/survey’ I used to see if my son fit into any of the other criteria can be found at the link HERE
Sure enough, he had a really high score, indicating that he does indeed exhibit the symptoms of this – but this is ME judging it, not a professional, and not anyone else who might be a bit objective. However, I DO know my son, and he definitely has many of the behaviours of this disorder. So now we will see. We are all still concerned over the drug use and that HAS to be addressed. Perhaps this man will be able to somehow get through to my son and help him – in the meantime I am going to do what I can to try to find out about this problem – although I am not immediately rushing to it as an ‘answer’ or cure.
posted by Colette at 12:57 PM
2 Comments:
When it comes to a doctor, especially one that never met your son, giving you a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD immediately walk out of his or her office and do not bow to the feet of Pharmacueticals! And do not look back, do not medicate your son, do not buy into the assessment of this particular afffliction... Medicating sounds like a knee jerk reaction from a doctor using the Frist Method of diagnosis... Second, third and fourth opinion... Treatment might be needed but usually these symptoms you have spoken of are, as you hinted at, a natural tendency in all of us. Medicating the "problem" will only mask the "problem" it will do nothing for your son. Period.
I am not a doctor, but know a bit about this willingness to medicate in our society. Take a look at the sideeffects of any drug prescribed and you will see that it isn't an advantage at all... Pharmacies are selling us down the medicated river and we haven't a boat...nor a life vest, but as we drown...we won't feel a damn thing...
I may be playing 'Devil's Advocate' here, but my son is ADD without hyperactivity as a symptom. He is the opposite, inactive, and needs a bit of stimulation. He's old enough now to monitor this himself, and he uses his meds ONLY when he has a big project or something he really needs to focus on. He feels it helps him tremendously.
I am not an advocate for meds...in fact, I generally have an aversion to all kinds unless necessary. We had my son tested in about 9th grade...we tried meds that were 'non-narcotic', and he has switched from time to time. He is comfortable taking them as needed, and has had no uncomfortable side-effects.
I know lots of kids w/this disorder who 'self-medicate' with drugs or alcohol. We preferred a medication that was monitored by a physician and was used to treat this specific issue. We have not been sorry.
We had him tested by more than one counselor. We chose the best two in the area, and neither knew the other was testing. Both confirmed his ADD. I had suspected this from early elementary school, but was not taken seriously until he began to fail in school in 9th grade...he'd not had this kind of failure prior, though he did have difficulty focusing. I think a trained professional, especially one who has worked closely with ADD patients, can recognize the symptoms when hearing them described. I find I can spot someone with ADD just by talking to them online...I have a Master's in Education, and I've taught children with ADD, and after awhile, when you become familiar enough with the symptoms....ADD is not difficult to recognize.
Some people feel it's a catch-all phrase, and that many have it. I don't feel this is true. I feel it's one of those things that if you don't have it, you cannot truly understand. Some of the criticism aimed at my son, was clearly from people who had no clue about it, or they could not have made some of the statements they did.
Anyway, regardless of what you discover or decide to do, I wish the very best for all of you. Those were difficult times for us, but my son went from having a failing grade on his term paper in 9th grade, to being on the newspaper staff the next year!! In his case, this diagnosis shed light on many things in his life, and provided him support and direction. I'm sure he'd be glad to talk to you in e-mail if you'd like, as would I, if you care.
Good luck!!
Just for the record....my daughter also has ADD, but she chose NOT to use meds, not to have an IEP in school, and for her, that was also the best decision. I say you must consider the individual. It took some extensive study and research to come to the conclusions we did...it was not an easy task, but it was worthwhile. Hang in there!!
Post a Comment
<< Home