A milestone

(Now listening to tATu: "Sacrifice")

I just did something that the old me would have never done....

I just threw out 4 years of accumulated 'pain' in the form of all the 'crap' I had down-loaded and printed off of the Internet: all the 'evidence' of my ex's infidelity....

It's very freeing/liberating action, and sure, even a tiny bit sad.

If I had a way to build a fire, I'd dispose of it that way, then I'd scatter the ashes to the winds over the lake....

I DID come across a love letter/poem from him (that had gotten separated from the other writing he 'composed' for me back in the day - stuff that was really painful to read when I realised he wrote to countless other women that same way).

I am going to put it here - not because I want to necessarily remember HIM or his even writing it to me but because it was beautiful and there are some things of beauty that should remain after the darkness/horror has faded into the recesses of the past...

**************

"The Sound of Wings"

I hear a fluttering, the sound of the
Black flapping wings of the Raven,
Sent forth on a mission by the Dream King.

I see a power, floating, falling from the
Heavens and into your eyes
There is majesty to what I see

I can feel the vibration , the Earth's energy
Humming, pulsing within your thigh.
The touch pulls me into you like a nightfall.

The sound of wings roars in my ears,
A multitude of butterflies encircle the bed,
Drawn searingly to the flames of our passion.

The power cauterizes the wounds you open
Upon my back, flesh sealing and being reopened
While the blood flows into the oceans.

The vibration pulls me into you, deeper each
Time. There is reason, this too is written.
We are so much more than apart can ever become.



"C -

I wrote this for you before we talked. I don't want to argue, I just want to love you in the way I feel you should be loved. Yes there are a lot of ""I"s in this, but there is only one "You" and only one "Us". To lose either of those things would pull my psyche further than my resilience would allow. Despite what you want to hear from me, this is the truth. What I feel for you is Love, the true thing of magic and power, not the shadow of that which is shown reflected upon the normal world. I am speaking of truths and those things which are real, emotions which can be too strong for mortals. Yes, I am burning from what I feel for you, but I would not have it any other way. This is the manner in which I am suppose to love you, this is the love we are suppose to share. Anything else would be a shadow, and not worth the time or effort of either one of us. I am burning with the truth, but I am frustrated. I feel this way because I have already put my first steps into the future and being pulled back into the past hurts me so... I love you, C -. I want you as my Faerie Queen, the lady of the twilight."


*********

I am always in awe of being written to with such passion and poetic skill. Part of me is amazed that I warranted any of this passion to begin with - as well as humbled in some ways. While indeed this was for the most part an incredibly unhealthy/sick relationship, there were still parts of it that rang with 'love'/passion. I am not trying to hold onto the past at all - I can tell you that reading this would have sent me into a tail-spin last year - but now it's 'safe' for me to 'remember' and file this away with my box of love letters, (like that of my daughter's father who has since passed away), with all the other 'dead letter' memories to pull out from time to time and reminisce about - that which was, that which has passed, and that which was never meant to be....