A New Feature

(I am going to try somthing new here on the blog - I am going to pick a post from a year ago and re-post it just to kind of reflect 'where I am now' vs 'where I was then' )

(LOL no it's not me being lazy)

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The Wonder Years
(post from August 23, 2005)

Stars are born and die, in the heavens and we all go about our business like nothing is happening. It astounds me sometimes, our lack of wonder at the universe and all that surrounds us. Like it’s some cold calculated experiment and we need to somehow pick it apart, calculate it, quantify it and have it make sense to*US* as if *WE* personally had anything to do with it...mysteries are nothing more than things we need solved it seems, and we MUST solve them...or else – heaven knows what might happen...

And my life seems so small and insignificant in comparison and so inconsequential. I feel guilty for ranting and complaining and pouty and childish.

I still feel joy, wonder, however – as I grow older it diminishes and oft times it seems replaced by irritability, impatience and downright anger...

I think to myself that perhaps ‘falling in love’ would cure these ills – again I am not sure about that. I fear there is something wrong with me – I am way too picky, I am just not up to par – that is until I talk with others and they tell me their ‘stories’ – one person said he stopped looking after 5 years of trying – 5 YEARS!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I mean wow….that’s a long time. And men seem to have just as hard a time as women – with not being able to find the ‘right’ person or having to sift through so much crap that after a while it all blurs and blends and become an exercise in futility. Most days – at least these days, I feel like I am losing the magic and will never recognize what I need to recognize in order to fall in love again. I’ve become too cynical, bitter, hardened. I have always been a bit cynical – even as a child but I also always been able to recognize the beauty in the world and in individuals. And perhaps I’ve ‘had my shot’ and you only get so many chances in your lifetime to have the great love of your life and everything else is just marking time until your time is up…how sad would that be?

I used to fall in love so easily – I still do. I see people and I am immediately drawn into them. It might be their looks or their smile or some glint of recognition in their eyes. Like last night – I was with my ex and we went to go purchase gear for my son’s band – I rarely get invited to go do this stuff so I went. I am glad. There was a young man waiting on us behind the counter. He was beautiful to look upon and there was just something about him…we ran him ragged and he retained his composure and his sense of humour. At the end of the evening he handed us his card and turns out his name is Ian Anderson (as in from ‘Jethro Tull’) – you just never know….

And so my life is never short on interesting and sometimes bizarre happenings; people that I care for and those that care for me; learning new things; meeting new people; finding the joy that exists – even within the sadness of loss. The potential exists for me to discover that magic if only again for a brief passage of time but then we are all only here for a brief moment in time…and I don’t ever want to look a gift horse in the mouth.