Observations...
(Note: This was actually posted in another journal of mine - but I wanted it here as well...)
Listening to Delirium: Semantic Spaces: 'Metaphor'
About what else...
Relationships.
This whole 'journal' HERE was actually started because I began a new relationship - my blog was started because my old one died. There are things I've shared here with total strangers, and with the world about these feelings - there's even been private msgs for 'my love' both good AND bad.
I try really hard to NOT repeat the same patterns. I hate the idea of getting 'caught' again in these tender traps - sometimes I think I'd be better off alone - sometimes I actually hate the fucking idea/ideal of relationships. I think from the 'get go we' end up sabotaging them - for some reason it seems to be human nature - it can't be helped.
In my current relationship I feel a lot of time like I am 'pulling' or taking the lead. Perhaps because of the way it started...I gave HIM my phone number instead of letting him pursue me. That's probably because I saw something I wanted or really liked in him and he was 'flesh and bone' - not some 'ghost from the Internet - and certainly NOT an asshole - and I was interested. Of course I also gave another guy my number that day - he unfortunately wanted me to have his children (well not me but you get the gist) - he lost out (in my humble opinion).
In general I see relationships as pursuit until someone gets caught. No one wants to admit playing games yet that's all it ever seems like to me. I DON'T ever want to play games - I don't think he does either - but then we all 'say' that - don't we? Yet we are human we do stupid human tricks and sometimes we hurt people and we don't even know we are doing that....
It's like how do you know when to move closer? How do you know when to back off? If he does not call you does that mean he wants left alone? Do you 'show' him by not calling him, by 'ignoring' him for a few days? Isn't that playing a game? Yet you want to hear from him - not because your life isn't already filled up with useless/mind-numbing and sometimes interesting crap and even other people/friends/family, but because you WANT TO! When the fuck does that end? How long does it take to go from 60 to zero in a relationship? How do you keep the fires burning WITHOUT getting burned? How do you keep each other engaged AND interested without boring the living shit out of each other? To me it ends up being a conscious choice - the problem all ends up being things like schedules (everyone is busy TOO BUSY), kids, work, life in general - intruding on romance....who has time for romance? We MAKE the time, no? We decide whether it's a priority or not - and sometimes those priorities change - the question becomes do you get the warning that they are about to? Is it all just a matter of time? Time getting to know each other - to know each other's nuances, to know what the other needs, wants, does NOT want? How do you communicate your needs to each other without (in most women's cases - sorry girls) sounding whiny? Sure you can ask - but what if you do or you have and you keep ending up back at square one? Is that some sort of hint to walk/run away? To find something else/better?
I think about these things (LOL WAY TOO MUCH) - I ponder them - not worry - just wonder - I've seen so many relationships laid to waste. I've tried so hard to make 2 marriages work now and the 'cynic' in me rears her ugly head at times and whispers things into my 'ear' that my heart can hear.
I've read some brilliant articles recently on 'relationship' and suggestions for what to do when that 'fear' comes (as I called it my 'cynic' - cause ultimately she IS fear) - does it help? Hmmm good question. It's hard to decide. I want to give in but then part of me is scared to because of how passionate I am - because of how deeply I seem to fall in love - because I can't sometimes help myself and that fall can be a killer. I can sometimes have a hard time relaxing.
I'd like to think 'this is it' - but I've been wrong before. So the big question is 'How do you know this is THE ONE?'
Listening to Delirium: Semantic Spaces: 'Metaphor'
About what else...
Relationships.
This whole 'journal' HERE was actually started because I began a new relationship - my blog was started because my old one died. There are things I've shared here with total strangers, and with the world about these feelings - there's even been private msgs for 'my love' both good AND bad.
I try really hard to NOT repeat the same patterns. I hate the idea of getting 'caught' again in these tender traps - sometimes I think I'd be better off alone - sometimes I actually hate the fucking idea/ideal of relationships. I think from the 'get go we' end up sabotaging them - for some reason it seems to be human nature - it can't be helped.
In my current relationship I feel a lot of time like I am 'pulling' or taking the lead. Perhaps because of the way it started...I gave HIM my phone number instead of letting him pursue me. That's probably because I saw something I wanted or really liked in him and he was 'flesh and bone' - not some 'ghost from the Internet - and certainly NOT an asshole - and I was interested. Of course I also gave another guy my number that day - he unfortunately wanted me to have his children (well not me but you get the gist) - he lost out (in my humble opinion).
In general I see relationships as pursuit until someone gets caught. No one wants to admit playing games yet that's all it ever seems like to me. I DON'T ever want to play games - I don't think he does either - but then we all 'say' that - don't we? Yet we are human we do stupid human tricks and sometimes we hurt people and we don't even know we are doing that....
It's like how do you know when to move closer? How do you know when to back off? If he does not call you does that mean he wants left alone? Do you 'show' him by not calling him, by 'ignoring' him for a few days? Isn't that playing a game? Yet you want to hear from him - not because your life isn't already filled up with useless/mind-numbing and sometimes interesting crap and even other people/friends/family, but because you WANT TO! When the fuck does that end? How long does it take to go from 60 to zero in a relationship? How do you keep the fires burning WITHOUT getting burned? How do you keep each other engaged AND interested without boring the living shit out of each other? To me it ends up being a conscious choice - the problem all ends up being things like schedules (everyone is busy TOO BUSY), kids, work, life in general - intruding on romance....who has time for romance? We MAKE the time, no? We decide whether it's a priority or not - and sometimes those priorities change - the question becomes do you get the warning that they are about to? Is it all just a matter of time? Time getting to know each other - to know each other's nuances, to know what the other needs, wants, does NOT want? How do you communicate your needs to each other without (in most women's cases - sorry girls) sounding whiny? Sure you can ask - but what if you do or you have and you keep ending up back at square one? Is that some sort of hint to walk/run away? To find something else/better?
I think about these things (LOL WAY TOO MUCH) - I ponder them - not worry - just wonder - I've seen so many relationships laid to waste. I've tried so hard to make 2 marriages work now and the 'cynic' in me rears her ugly head at times and whispers things into my 'ear' that my heart can hear.
I've read some brilliant articles recently on 'relationship' and suggestions for what to do when that 'fear' comes (as I called it my 'cynic' - cause ultimately she IS fear) - does it help? Hmmm good question. It's hard to decide. I want to give in but then part of me is scared to because of how passionate I am - because of how deeply I seem to fall in love - because I can't sometimes help myself and that fall can be a killer. I can sometimes have a hard time relaxing.
I'd like to think 'this is it' - but I've been wrong before. So the big question is 'How do you know this is THE ONE?'
posted by Colette at 6:55 PM
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