...and then it hit me...
..like a ton of bricks...
Only I'm not dodging them...
It seems as though - for all intents and purposes this relationship is turning serious - not that it was not before - but now we are actually 'talking' about serious 'scenarios'.
We've been spending more time in each other's 'cirumstances' if you will - there's no other way to say this.
This past week Erin stayed at my/our house - it was nice - a little uncomfortable but nice.
I've been seeing him and the kids more - instead of me seeing the kids just here and there a little. Friday - he invited me to go to his place of work and meet some of his co-workers - with the kids in tow. Saturday - we spent for the most part apart but then Saturday night, he invited me over to game with some friends (I had met them before - great people Neil and Kathy) - and his son was gaming with us. The game was called 'The Order of the Stick' (it should have been spelled 'schtick')- cute game...fun - but long.
Today I met Erin and the children for 11AM mass and then spent most of the day with them - just being together - hanging out - doing stuff - it was like being a family.
There were some tense moments and Erin is under a lot of stress from various 'situations' - mainly I see him in a lot of pain from his neck and shoulders...I hurt when he hurts.
This evening, as I left his house (and I did not need to - I decided to in order to give them some alone time as a family) - IT HIT ME - the enormity of our relationship. The fact that I was being brought into his innermost
circle(s), the fact that he has young children (this is very frightening to me - not because I don't like his children - his kids are wonderful and I really enjoy them - but because they are precious and not mine and I don't want to cause them ANY harm at all), the fact that we seem to really, and I mean REALLY, be in love *mutually* with each other.
I am not afraid to be in love this way, in fact, I've been looking forward to a love like this for a very long time...
We are compatible. We respect each other. We LIKE each other. We connect with each other. We engage each other. We help each other. We have fun with each other. Geez I could go on for days...literally. The conversations we have astound me sometimes with their depth and intuitive nature - I mean I know this guy. It's not one of those 'I feel like I've known him all my life' kind of things - but more 'I don't have to say anything and he gets it - he doesn't have to say anything and I get it' - and when we DO talk we are so attuned - we know each other on some very deep and profound levels. There is a sacred/spiritual connection between us. He can sense when I am upset and he does things to help me get through these times. He knows my past and I know about his - I seem to be able to help him when he is stressed or feeling badly (or so he says - I personally want to help more).
Tonight though, as I left him and all of those feelings rushed over and through me, and I felt oh-so-very-afraid - I was crying as I drove home - I didn't know what to do - I felt so scared, so lost. I wanted to stay with him - I needed him to hold me...badly. Later, when he called - 'just to call', and we talked, he did hold me (yeah over the phone - I know it seems corny/crazy) - after we talked I felt so comforted and even more in love with him (if that's possible). I don't like the feeling of needing to be reassured or being fragile (I've always had to be so strong and so independent) - yet he allows me to be vulnerable without feeling I have to protect myself from the very person I want to give myself over to...and oh how I want to give myself over to him....
Part of me when I walked out of that house wanted to 'run for the hills' - someone this evening suggested that maybe I am not ready for 'this' - and it's not that at all - far from it - I just think that anyone when faced with a potential life-altering situation of such import who doesn't feel a little overwhelmed/scared/cautious is either lying or an idiot or both. How can you not if you are a sentient being. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt innocent kids. I did enough of that in my past marriages and I still pay for it and beat myself up over that - I'll be damned if I am going to visit that on anyone else. I care about his children too much.
I am cautiously optimistic and excited as well- not to mention, very much in love. I am looking forward to the holidays for the first time in a very long time. How wonderful to have this much love in my life. How wondrous to be able to share my love with Erin and the kids. Yes it's daunting but it's also what makes life worth living.
Only I'm not dodging them...
It seems as though - for all intents and purposes this relationship is turning serious - not that it was not before - but now we are actually 'talking' about serious 'scenarios'.
We've been spending more time in each other's 'cirumstances' if you will - there's no other way to say this.
This past week Erin stayed at my/our house - it was nice - a little uncomfortable but nice.
I've been seeing him and the kids more - instead of me seeing the kids just here and there a little. Friday - he invited me to go to his place of work and meet some of his co-workers - with the kids in tow. Saturday - we spent for the most part apart but then Saturday night, he invited me over to game with some friends (I had met them before - great people Neil and Kathy) - and his son was gaming with us. The game was called 'The Order of the Stick' (it should have been spelled 'schtick')- cute game...fun - but long.
Today I met Erin and the children for 11AM mass and then spent most of the day with them - just being together - hanging out - doing stuff - it was like being a family.
There were some tense moments and Erin is under a lot of stress from various 'situations' - mainly I see him in a lot of pain from his neck and shoulders...I hurt when he hurts.
This evening, as I left his house (and I did not need to - I decided to in order to give them some alone time as a family) - IT HIT ME - the enormity of our relationship. The fact that I was being brought into his innermost
circle(s), the fact that he has young children (this is very frightening to me - not because I don't like his children - his kids are wonderful and I really enjoy them - but because they are precious and not mine and I don't want to cause them ANY harm at all), the fact that we seem to really, and I mean REALLY, be in love *mutually* with each other.
I am not afraid to be in love this way, in fact, I've been looking forward to a love like this for a very long time...
We are compatible. We respect each other. We LIKE each other. We connect with each other. We engage each other. We help each other. We have fun with each other. Geez I could go on for days...literally. The conversations we have astound me sometimes with their depth and intuitive nature - I mean I know this guy. It's not one of those 'I feel like I've known him all my life' kind of things - but more 'I don't have to say anything and he gets it - he doesn't have to say anything and I get it' - and when we DO talk we are so attuned - we know each other on some very deep and profound levels. There is a sacred/spiritual connection between us. He can sense when I am upset and he does things to help me get through these times. He knows my past and I know about his - I seem to be able to help him when he is stressed or feeling badly (or so he says - I personally want to help more).
Tonight though, as I left him and all of those feelings rushed over and through me, and I felt oh-so-very-afraid - I was crying as I drove home - I didn't know what to do - I felt so scared, so lost. I wanted to stay with him - I needed him to hold me...badly. Later, when he called - 'just to call', and we talked, he did hold me (yeah over the phone - I know it seems corny/crazy) - after we talked I felt so comforted and even more in love with him (if that's possible). I don't like the feeling of needing to be reassured or being fragile (I've always had to be so strong and so independent) - yet he allows me to be vulnerable without feeling I have to protect myself from the very person I want to give myself over to...and oh how I want to give myself over to him....
Part of me when I walked out of that house wanted to 'run for the hills' - someone this evening suggested that maybe I am not ready for 'this' - and it's not that at all - far from it - I just think that anyone when faced with a potential life-altering situation of such import who doesn't feel a little overwhelmed/scared/cautious is either lying or an idiot or both. How can you not if you are a sentient being. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt innocent kids. I did enough of that in my past marriages and I still pay for it and beat myself up over that - I'll be damned if I am going to visit that on anyone else. I care about his children too much.
I am cautiously optimistic and excited as well- not to mention, very much in love. I am looking forward to the holidays for the first time in a very long time. How wonderful to have this much love in my life. How wondrous to be able to share my love with Erin and the kids. Yes it's daunting but it's also what makes life worth living.
posted by Colette at 9:03 PM
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