Just because..I NEED to do this...
I want to ‘write’ this down. Not for posterity; because I want to treasure these memories – because they are precious to me – because they are forming a mosaic that is becoming my ‘new’ life – because I don’t want to forget...
(Part of me is hurting over so much right now – and part of me is frightened that in some way I am using this as a means of escape – or that somehow this has become a surrogate for me – oh Goddess I don’t even want to go there...)
Friday, I got to go to Erin’s daughter’s soccer practice. After all the fireworks of dealing with the situation with my daughter this WAS a respite. The girls practice was wonderful and they even got to have an impromptu scrimmage with a boys team.
I was out of sorts though, useless…to myself. Sad. Hurting. Wanting to die…probably shitty company – so I left…Erin was trying once we got back to his place (God bless him)...must be tiring to deal with me upset – hell it’s tiring for ME to deal with me upset…
Spent a sleepless night – cried myself to sleep. My son gave me the talking to from hell – blamed me for everything – cause like Freud says...no seriously most of the problems ARE my fault.
Saturday for some reason I called Erin first – gotta stop doing that – he was sweet. Told me to come over whenever. I did some chores, cried some more….got read to go to the his company work party. Was not sure I’d even be OK to do this. Thank God I called first cause I was in jeans and needed to be in ‘business casual’. Showed up at Erin’s in time to see his daughter go off to a sleep-over. Found out his son was also going to be gone that night – which I knew meant (if I wanted to) I could spend the night...
Went to the Christmas party – lovely home – nice people. His company consists of a lot of young upwardly mobile ‘eye-candy’-like people. Younger than I’d ever associate with – prettier than would ever associate with me – but all in all the evening was very nice and Erin seemed to enjoy himself and I did make some friends with some of his co-workers – laughed a lot, some nice conversations, and so it seemed successful – nice. I am glad for Erin – from what I hear it’s not been much fun in the past. I almost beat him in air hockey and damn it I want a rematch!
Spent the night – made love in a room full of candles – 22 wicks – one for each week we’ve been together and finally now I know he is just as much a dork for me as I am for him…and we are SO in love and this is SO wonderful...thank you God/dess (*happy sighs*)
Woke up the next morning to him telling me of his dreams (um..er..yeah OK) – but then lingering with each other – touching, cuddling, laughing, being more in love, sentimental, mushy stuff….left him, not wanting to…wanted to go to mass later (we stumbled through that then decided to go after all)...
Went to mass together – it was nice (duh). I went home – did more chores – took a little nap and then went back over to his place in order to go see holiday lights out at Lake Farm Park. We took his kids and went with the neighbor kids and their grandmother – it was um…trying, to say the least. but it was also wonderful and melancholy at the same time for me…seeing grandparents with their grandchildren mad me wistful. It was lovely though (with the exception of the entirely-too-creepy ‘train guys’. I really enjoyed the ride on the horse-drawn ‘trolley’ with him by my side…would have liked to have seen the ’barn-yard’ animals or taken a stroll outside in the snow under the stars but it was getting late and the kids had school the next day...
Got back to his place and he asked me to baby-sit for him tonight...um wow. Just wow. We talked more and oh it’s so hard to leave him. It’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye (to each other?) well for me it’s becoming harder and it’s difficult to go to sleep at night without him by my side (of course there’s some emotional debris floating around right now probably adding to my difficulties).
I am dreaming, musing over my own future - joy mingling with some fear at how serious this is – yet it feels natural – not rushed. Right – over and over the word that keeps coming into my mind when it comes to this relationship is ‘right’ – all of this just feels so right...
(Part of me is hurting over so much right now – and part of me is frightened that in some way I am using this as a means of escape – or that somehow this has become a surrogate for me – oh Goddess I don’t even want to go there...)
Friday, I got to go to Erin’s daughter’s soccer practice. After all the fireworks of dealing with the situation with my daughter this WAS a respite. The girls practice was wonderful and they even got to have an impromptu scrimmage with a boys team.
I was out of sorts though, useless…to myself. Sad. Hurting. Wanting to die…probably shitty company – so I left…Erin was trying once we got back to his place (God bless him)...must be tiring to deal with me upset – hell it’s tiring for ME to deal with me upset…
Spent a sleepless night – cried myself to sleep. My son gave me the talking to from hell – blamed me for everything – cause like Freud says...no seriously most of the problems ARE my fault.
Saturday for some reason I called Erin first – gotta stop doing that – he was sweet. Told me to come over whenever. I did some chores, cried some more….got read to go to the his company work party. Was not sure I’d even be OK to do this. Thank God I called first cause I was in jeans and needed to be in ‘business casual’. Showed up at Erin’s in time to see his daughter go off to a sleep-over. Found out his son was also going to be gone that night – which I knew meant (if I wanted to) I could spend the night...
Went to the Christmas party – lovely home – nice people. His company consists of a lot of young upwardly mobile ‘eye-candy’-like people. Younger than I’d ever associate with – prettier than would ever associate with me – but all in all the evening was very nice and Erin seemed to enjoy himself and I did make some friends with some of his co-workers – laughed a lot, some nice conversations, and so it seemed successful – nice. I am glad for Erin – from what I hear it’s not been much fun in the past. I almost beat him in air hockey and damn it I want a rematch!
Spent the night – made love in a room full of candles – 22 wicks – one for each week we’ve been together and finally now I know he is just as much a dork for me as I am for him…and we are SO in love and this is SO wonderful...thank you God/dess (*happy sighs*)
Woke up the next morning to him telling me of his dreams (um..er..yeah OK) – but then lingering with each other – touching, cuddling, laughing, being more in love, sentimental, mushy stuff….left him, not wanting to…wanted to go to mass later (we stumbled through that then decided to go after all)...
Went to mass together – it was nice (duh). I went home – did more chores – took a little nap and then went back over to his place in order to go see holiday lights out at Lake Farm Park. We took his kids and went with the neighbor kids and their grandmother – it was um…trying, to say the least. but it was also wonderful and melancholy at the same time for me…seeing grandparents with their grandchildren mad me wistful. It was lovely though (with the exception of the entirely-too-creepy ‘train guys’. I really enjoyed the ride on the horse-drawn ‘trolley’ with him by my side…would have liked to have seen the ’barn-yard’ animals or taken a stroll outside in the snow under the stars but it was getting late and the kids had school the next day...
Got back to his place and he asked me to baby-sit for him tonight...um wow. Just wow. We talked more and oh it’s so hard to leave him. It’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye (to each other?) well for me it’s becoming harder and it’s difficult to go to sleep at night without him by my side (of course there’s some emotional debris floating around right now probably adding to my difficulties).
I am dreaming, musing over my own future - joy mingling with some fear at how serious this is – yet it feels natural – not rushed. Right – over and over the word that keeps coming into my mind when it comes to this relationship is ‘right’ – all of this just feels so right...
posted by Colette at 1:01 PM
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