An apology...
To my daughter.
So...you stumbled across your mother’s ‘private’ space here in space – on the Internet..(and let’s face it – as I told my ex-husband if you put it on the Internet thinking it can’t be found – you are a bigger fool than I thought). Foolish me.
And so you have read some things that are hurtful to you.
I am very sorry my dear.
You and I have always had a rocky history from the start. It does not, nor will it ever diminish my love for you.
You want to make this into a little ‘religious war’. Fine. I feel the way I feel – it’s that simple. I don’t believe a book that was written thousands of years ago by MEN who were indeed (and are still, the last time I checked), human and fallible, should be our ONLY source/guide as to how we are suppose to navigate through our lives. I am not saying it’s not your right to live as you choose – but then it’s also my right to live as I choose. For the record as your mother that gives me the right to be concerned about your health and well-being even if that puts me at odds with the so-called ‘word’ of a so-called God.
Let him come down here and witness your suffering as 4 people, a t-cut c-section, and a vacuum STILL had a hard time getting your last baby out of you – AND left a huge haematoma on that poor little boy’s skull. Let him hear the words of the doctors telling you enough was enough and to stop having kids and here you are pregnant again...yeah thank God huh? Not in MY book darling.
I don’t get it. What do you want me to say? Nothing? You know me better than that, don’t you? When have I EVER been able to keep my mouth shut? Yes it’s a fault. By your own admission (mine too) we aren’t perfect.
This isn’t sounding much like an apology. Not what I meant….
I AM SORRY. I truly am. You’ve made choices. So have I. A mother does not always like to see her children do things that are harmful to said children (in her humble opinion). Sure, you might feel that everything is ‘perfect’ in your world and I hope for you that it is – but the things I see (and the things that other people that love you see) don’t seem to make for an easy or comfortable existence. All I want – all I ever want is for you to be healthy AND happy. I want things for my grandchildren too. I want them to ALL have enough time with their mom. I want their mom to be well rested and not be overwhelmed. I want her to be in a marriage that is supportive and loving. I am not making excuses for things written here that may have caused you pain. I am guilty as charged. I won’t deny what I wrote as my own personal feelings were valid (they still are to me) – yes things have changed – however my desire for you to be healthy and happy and free from ANY harm (even that which is self-inflicted) has not changed one iota.
You too have a daughter – you are getting ready to have another. You will have 4 children under 4 years old – and you are going to try to tell me that all of them are going to feel that they are getting enough of YOU, their mom? Really? I am sorry – call me stupid, but I find this hard to believe. Yes, you may have help from your ever-so-wonderful-mother-in-law who keeps rooting her son on as he keeps getting you knocked up. Um yeah...OK. It’s not her daughter to lose. You are and you will always be MY ONLY daughter Marissa. You want to believe these people have your best interests at heart, go for it – I beg to differ – so does the rest of YOUR family.
You claim that I lied by not sharing these writings with you – tell me what good it would have done to do that – would it have changed how you felt? Would you have stopped getting pregnant? Would it have made things better for our relationship? I think not. It’s called a release, it’s a way for me to ‘rant’ – and yes it was probably wrong to do it in this forum. However, I still would have felt the exact same way – I probably would have still written (but not sent) the same damned letter – yet you think my ‘hiding’ it on the internet makes me a liar? Um no my dear it does not – I am not going back on my feelings I will stand accountable for my words as any writer should. But in this case I am more than just a mere wordsmith. I am a loving (whether you agree or not) and concerned mother who does not in any way shape or form want to see her daughter suffer. EVER.
You claim you hid getting pregnant from me ‘cause you did not want to hear you mother 'yell at you for bringing another child into the world' and that 'it’s none of my business what goes on in your bedroom'. So be it. But let’s take a look at the facts, shall we?
You not only hid it from me you hid it from your closest cousin – you’ve always hesitated – if you feel so righteous about all this stuff what’s to be ashamed of? Hold your head up and stick that belly WAY out, my dear! You actually had to go find a new doctor to ‘get on board’ with your continual refusal to not listen to the last doctors’ who told you to NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN – do you think medical people say this shit to you for grins and giggles? Do you have any idea how you put other women at risk BY NOT listening to your gynecologist(s) and that by doing so and risking a possible law-suit if something DOES happen cause you did not listen that you help drive the price of malpractice insurance sky high, thereby causing good doctors to leave practice. And I sure the fuck hope this current guy has got good malpractice insurance my darling, cause God help him AND a lot of other people if ANYTHING happens to you.
Getting knocked up when your last child was only 3 or 4 months old IS NOT HEALTHY. Go ask any doctor – DO NOT consult the Bible for medical advice. I mean really - how exasperating. Having 4 children IN LESS THAN 4 YEARS is UNHEALTHY! I don’t care what your God say or your husband says. (In fact I especially don’t care what your husband says cause he’s not the one carrying the children in his womb – it’s not his prolapsed uterus they’ll be cutting out – it won’t be him ‘bleeding out’ when he’s in labor, it’s not his weight to lose, it’s not his blood pressure causing pre-eclampsia or toxemia, or putting him at risk for diabetes, it’s not his head being vacuumed, it’s not his internal organs that will be forever changed by this – it’s not his daughter going through the actual danger of delivery.)
I am going to quote you here:
"I, and my husband, ( whom you obviously could care less what he has to say but that's ok, the feeling I think is mutual) Do not believe in killing babies, so we don't believe in any form of birth control. And since it does say in Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee, and before the comest forth out of the womb i sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nation."
So I and my husband also don't believe it right to permanently fix our selves so that we cant re produce. The Lord can close the womb, and He can open it. Yes I know you wont agree, again how can you with out salvation first? i don't expect you to understand, nor do I expect you to trust in the Lord as i do. Hey even B’s mom wont agree to our ideas I am sure. But we go by the word of God. Not the word of the World. You say I hide behind my Bible, your wrong, I hide IN my Bible. While you hide in your worldly world. Which is your free will. "
Um...I hate to tell you kiddo but if that the STRONGEST proof from the bible that you’ve got to show me about continually putting yourself at risk, by keeping your body pregnant – you’ve got a long way to go – I find it sort of rather arrogant that your husband seems to know the mind of God – don’t you? You say your mother-in-law does not agree – OK fine – does she tell him to stop then? From what your cousin says, they don’t much approve of how he treats you – how does that make you feel? I know how I’d feel – but that’s just me.
In the end you can hate me if you like – it’s you prerogative. Bottom line – I love you – I adore you – I always will. I can’t lie to you and say I don’t feel the way I feel – you’ve already said you understand my concern – but my concern should not be hurtful to you. My wording of it might be – but again it’s not like I’ve kept my mouth shut about my concern(s) either.
Do as you will – cut me out of your life – that’s fine – that's your choice as they all are now – but think about this – there is no one on earth that is going to love you like your mother – no one. You want to trash that love cause I don’t follow God the way you do – go ahead – I think you’ll be a poorer soul for it – but it’s your decision my dear. As were all the other ones you’ve made. I hope you can live with them – I know I can live with mine.
So...you stumbled across your mother’s ‘private’ space here in space – on the Internet..(and let’s face it – as I told my ex-husband if you put it on the Internet thinking it can’t be found – you are a bigger fool than I thought). Foolish me.
And so you have read some things that are hurtful to you.
I am very sorry my dear.
You and I have always had a rocky history from the start. It does not, nor will it ever diminish my love for you.
You want to make this into a little ‘religious war’. Fine. I feel the way I feel – it’s that simple. I don’t believe a book that was written thousands of years ago by MEN who were indeed (and are still, the last time I checked), human and fallible, should be our ONLY source/guide as to how we are suppose to navigate through our lives. I am not saying it’s not your right to live as you choose – but then it’s also my right to live as I choose. For the record as your mother that gives me the right to be concerned about your health and well-being even if that puts me at odds with the so-called ‘word’ of a so-called God.
Let him come down here and witness your suffering as 4 people, a t-cut c-section, and a vacuum STILL had a hard time getting your last baby out of you – AND left a huge haematoma on that poor little boy’s skull. Let him hear the words of the doctors telling you enough was enough and to stop having kids and here you are pregnant again...yeah thank God huh? Not in MY book darling.
I don’t get it. What do you want me to say? Nothing? You know me better than that, don’t you? When have I EVER been able to keep my mouth shut? Yes it’s a fault. By your own admission (mine too) we aren’t perfect.
This isn’t sounding much like an apology. Not what I meant….
I AM SORRY. I truly am. You’ve made choices. So have I. A mother does not always like to see her children do things that are harmful to said children (in her humble opinion). Sure, you might feel that everything is ‘perfect’ in your world and I hope for you that it is – but the things I see (and the things that other people that love you see) don’t seem to make for an easy or comfortable existence. All I want – all I ever want is for you to be healthy AND happy. I want things for my grandchildren too. I want them to ALL have enough time with their mom. I want their mom to be well rested and not be overwhelmed. I want her to be in a marriage that is supportive and loving. I am not making excuses for things written here that may have caused you pain. I am guilty as charged. I won’t deny what I wrote as my own personal feelings were valid (they still are to me) – yes things have changed – however my desire for you to be healthy and happy and free from ANY harm (even that which is self-inflicted) has not changed one iota.
You too have a daughter – you are getting ready to have another. You will have 4 children under 4 years old – and you are going to try to tell me that all of them are going to feel that they are getting enough of YOU, their mom? Really? I am sorry – call me stupid, but I find this hard to believe. Yes, you may have help from your ever-so-wonderful-mother-in-law who keeps rooting her son on as he keeps getting you knocked up. Um yeah...OK. It’s not her daughter to lose. You are and you will always be MY ONLY daughter Marissa. You want to believe these people have your best interests at heart, go for it – I beg to differ – so does the rest of YOUR family.
You claim that I lied by not sharing these writings with you – tell me what good it would have done to do that – would it have changed how you felt? Would you have stopped getting pregnant? Would it have made things better for our relationship? I think not. It’s called a release, it’s a way for me to ‘rant’ – and yes it was probably wrong to do it in this forum. However, I still would have felt the exact same way – I probably would have still written (but not sent) the same damned letter – yet you think my ‘hiding’ it on the internet makes me a liar? Um no my dear it does not – I am not going back on my feelings I will stand accountable for my words as any writer should. But in this case I am more than just a mere wordsmith. I am a loving (whether you agree or not) and concerned mother who does not in any way shape or form want to see her daughter suffer. EVER.
You claim you hid getting pregnant from me ‘cause you did not want to hear you mother 'yell at you for bringing another child into the world' and that 'it’s none of my business what goes on in your bedroom'. So be it. But let’s take a look at the facts, shall we?
You not only hid it from me you hid it from your closest cousin – you’ve always hesitated – if you feel so righteous about all this stuff what’s to be ashamed of? Hold your head up and stick that belly WAY out, my dear! You actually had to go find a new doctor to ‘get on board’ with your continual refusal to not listen to the last doctors’ who told you to NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN – do you think medical people say this shit to you for grins and giggles? Do you have any idea how you put other women at risk BY NOT listening to your gynecologist(s) and that by doing so and risking a possible law-suit if something DOES happen cause you did not listen that you help drive the price of malpractice insurance sky high, thereby causing good doctors to leave practice. And I sure the fuck hope this current guy has got good malpractice insurance my darling, cause God help him AND a lot of other people if ANYTHING happens to you.
Getting knocked up when your last child was only 3 or 4 months old IS NOT HEALTHY. Go ask any doctor – DO NOT consult the Bible for medical advice. I mean really - how exasperating. Having 4 children IN LESS THAN 4 YEARS is UNHEALTHY! I don’t care what your God say or your husband says. (In fact I especially don’t care what your husband says cause he’s not the one carrying the children in his womb – it’s not his prolapsed uterus they’ll be cutting out – it won’t be him ‘bleeding out’ when he’s in labor, it’s not his weight to lose, it’s not his blood pressure causing pre-eclampsia or toxemia, or putting him at risk for diabetes, it’s not his head being vacuumed, it’s not his internal organs that will be forever changed by this – it’s not his daughter going through the actual danger of delivery.)
I am going to quote you here:
"I, and my husband, ( whom you obviously could care less what he has to say but that's ok, the feeling I think is mutual) Do not believe in killing babies, so we don't believe in any form of birth control. And since it does say in Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee, and before the comest forth out of the womb i sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nation."
So I and my husband also don't believe it right to permanently fix our selves so that we cant re produce. The Lord can close the womb, and He can open it. Yes I know you wont agree, again how can you with out salvation first? i don't expect you to understand, nor do I expect you to trust in the Lord as i do. Hey even B’s mom wont agree to our ideas I am sure. But we go by the word of God. Not the word of the World. You say I hide behind my Bible, your wrong, I hide IN my Bible. While you hide in your worldly world. Which is your free will. "
Um...I hate to tell you kiddo but if that the STRONGEST proof from the bible that you’ve got to show me about continually putting yourself at risk, by keeping your body pregnant – you’ve got a long way to go – I find it sort of rather arrogant that your husband seems to know the mind of God – don’t you? You say your mother-in-law does not agree – OK fine – does she tell him to stop then? From what your cousin says, they don’t much approve of how he treats you – how does that make you feel? I know how I’d feel – but that’s just me.
In the end you can hate me if you like – it’s you prerogative. Bottom line – I love you – I adore you – I always will. I can’t lie to you and say I don’t feel the way I feel – you’ve already said you understand my concern – but my concern should not be hurtful to you. My wording of it might be – but again it’s not like I’ve kept my mouth shut about my concern(s) either.
Do as you will – cut me out of your life – that’s fine – that's your choice as they all are now – but think about this – there is no one on earth that is going to love you like your mother – no one. You want to trash that love cause I don’t follow God the way you do – go ahead – I think you’ll be a poorer soul for it – but it’s your decision my dear. As were all the other ones you’ve made. I hope you can live with them – I know I can live with mine.
posted by Colette at 11:28 AM
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