Darkness...
and sadness today.
My mother's been gone now for 31 years. For the most part my memories end up centering about her death on this day. Mainly cause I watched her die. I know it sounds morbid and it is - but I won't short change any of you any more than I do myself with the emotions - you don't like it - avert your eyes - go read something else.
I feel cheated at times. Mainly because I never got to know my 'real' mom. I only got to know the mom that was 'mom' - you know the take-care-of-the-kids-do-all-the-housework-keep-your-hubby-happy mom....
I only learned of who she 'really' was from her dear friend (who has over the years become a bit of a second mom and friend to me) and some of the stories my uncles have told me. Surprisingly the person who was closest to her (her own sister) never seems to want to talk about her. Perhaps it's because it's simply too painful - even after all these years.
I'd like this day to turn into a celebration of her life instead of a day of mourning for me...but it's hard. I know she sacrificed a lot for us - to be the kind of mom and wife she ended up being. Perhaps that IS what made her happiest and what made her, *HER* ultimately, who am I to judge. But I also know of the 'event' that precipitated her death and I can't help but feel bitter as well that she was taken so soon from us and angry. For all my 'talk' I still rail at God. The fist shaking grows less over the years (I am sure he's stopped listening and could care less about my angst - LOL - does God ever get angry at himself/admit his mistake [geez can you believe I just typed that????]). I've had no choice but to accept what life's dealt me.
But on this, the anniversary of her death I'd like so much to just have her here 'in the flesh' for just a moment, for just one hug and to tell her how much I wanted to get to know the 'real' her - the woman she was before she had me - and to tell her how much I love her. Yes, I talk to her all the time in my mind....but there's nothing like having someone hold you in their arms and comfort you the way your mother can.
(For those of you wanting to read the tribute/history I wrote back in 2005, it's linked to the title of this post)
My mother's been gone now for 31 years. For the most part my memories end up centering about her death on this day. Mainly cause I watched her die. I know it sounds morbid and it is - but I won't short change any of you any more than I do myself with the emotions - you don't like it - avert your eyes - go read something else.
I feel cheated at times. Mainly because I never got to know my 'real' mom. I only got to know the mom that was 'mom' - you know the take-care-of-the-kids-do-all-the-housework-keep-your-hubby-happy mom....
I only learned of who she 'really' was from her dear friend (who has over the years become a bit of a second mom and friend to me) and some of the stories my uncles have told me. Surprisingly the person who was closest to her (her own sister) never seems to want to talk about her. Perhaps it's because it's simply too painful - even after all these years.
I'd like this day to turn into a celebration of her life instead of a day of mourning for me...but it's hard. I know she sacrificed a lot for us - to be the kind of mom and wife she ended up being. Perhaps that IS what made her happiest and what made her, *HER* ultimately, who am I to judge. But I also know of the 'event' that precipitated her death and I can't help but feel bitter as well that she was taken so soon from us and angry. For all my 'talk' I still rail at God. The fist shaking grows less over the years (I am sure he's stopped listening and could care less about my angst - LOL - does God ever get angry at himself/admit his mistake [geez can you believe I just typed that????]). I've had no choice but to accept what life's dealt me.
But on this, the anniversary of her death I'd like so much to just have her here 'in the flesh' for just a moment, for just one hug and to tell her how much I wanted to get to know the 'real' her - the woman she was before she had me - and to tell her how much I love her. Yes, I talk to her all the time in my mind....but there's nothing like having someone hold you in their arms and comfort you the way your mother can.
(For those of you wanting to read the tribute/history I wrote back in 2005, it's linked to the title of this post)
posted by Colette at 4:21 PM
1 Comments:
{{HUGS}}
I love you, C2....thanks for leaving a little bit of your heart with me.
And hey - I think our moms would be very happy to 'hang' with us and get to know the women *we've* become as well....
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