"In my life...I love you more.."
Because there is no other way to say it.
I am so in love.
Recap of weekend:
Surprisingly, Erin wanted to see me and hang with me on Friday - this in and of itself is not weird - but when he has the kids we don't see each other as often.
We were going to try to be together to celebrate Imbolc/Candlemas - it was more of an evening spent together as a family.
It got to be late and he wanted me to stay - this prompted a 'discussion' and both of us came to the realization that we are struggling with being apart. We talked about when it was right to tell the kids - the problem here is that all of our friends KNOW - his friends, my friends, his church friends and those are the people that not meaning to, might 'slip up' and tell his kids. I pointed this out to him - we talked deeply (you know it's exhausting I think at times talking this way with each other), and he told me he feels that it's time to tell them (you have no idea how that made me feel)....he told me it was OK to spend the night and be there in the morning WITH the kids aware - in the past we did not do this - I left. But I now feel 'cheap' doing that - I'd rather not even stay.
We spent the day together all day on Saturday (the highlight of this day was at the end of the evening when we played 'Heroscape' with his son - cool game! Excellent - I can't believe how much I enjoyed playing) - for the most part, the time we all spent together was good but then Erin and I hit a rough patch because of something I noticed which made me question him in terms of how some of his actions might be perceived by another person - this was difficult and I really hurt him and I feel horrible for doing that - but it was also (to me) necessary to let him know how I was feeling and my concerns.
Again we struggled with me spending yet another night...this is just hard on us both. Being apart from each other when we so much want to be together. It's not that I want to or even CAN move in right now - but not waking up to him, not being in his arms at night as I fall asleep - it's so difficult...
The kids are of the utmost importance to us both - and yes there's going to have to be an adjustment period - but how do you know when it's the best time to let two pre-teens know that pretty soon they are going to have a step-mom. I don't think there's ever a good/right time - I think you have to eventually sit down and have the talk. It's hard but then it's going to be hard. So Erin is going to tell them sometime in the next day or so and we shall see.
We have both been worried about the impact of this news - but recent comments by his daughter (this morning Erin asked her 'K - what should we do with C - ?' Her answer: 'Marry her!' WOW) - and how his son acts towards me, leads us to believe everything will be OK. In the end the real test will be when I move in - that's when truly all of this will 'gel' or not as the case may be - I have faith it will all be OK. I know this love is meant to be and I know how much I want this to work and how much he does as well - how much he loves me, respects me (it's mutual between us), how much he wants me by his side (Goddess could I be this lucky?)....it's all - even WITH all the doubts and all the crap I put him through - the most amazing relationship I have ever had in my ENTIRE life - it really is...
So we shall see what happens - more people congratulated us in church today and this all feels so right, so peaceful. We all 'fit together' as a family (no, this does not mean I am going to just 'dump my own' family and that any of them are being replaced - it's just that this is going to be my new life now and I have to make a concerted effort to be an active member and participate WITH Erin and his children - my own children will understand - my son may struggle and that's going to be hard - but he is almost a man himself and he needs to try to adjust to this as well)
For now, I am praying that this works out - that we end up 'happily ever after'...hopefully that will be the case and the faerie tale will become the reality.
I am so in love.
Recap of weekend:
Surprisingly, Erin wanted to see me and hang with me on Friday - this in and of itself is not weird - but when he has the kids we don't see each other as often.
We were going to try to be together to celebrate Imbolc/Candlemas - it was more of an evening spent together as a family.
It got to be late and he wanted me to stay - this prompted a 'discussion' and both of us came to the realization that we are struggling with being apart. We talked about when it was right to tell the kids - the problem here is that all of our friends KNOW - his friends, my friends, his church friends and those are the people that not meaning to, might 'slip up' and tell his kids. I pointed this out to him - we talked deeply (you know it's exhausting I think at times talking this way with each other), and he told me he feels that it's time to tell them (you have no idea how that made me feel)....he told me it was OK to spend the night and be there in the morning WITH the kids aware - in the past we did not do this - I left. But I now feel 'cheap' doing that - I'd rather not even stay.
We spent the day together all day on Saturday (the highlight of this day was at the end of the evening when we played 'Heroscape' with his son - cool game! Excellent - I can't believe how much I enjoyed playing) - for the most part, the time we all spent together was good but then Erin and I hit a rough patch because of something I noticed which made me question him in terms of how some of his actions might be perceived by another person - this was difficult and I really hurt him and I feel horrible for doing that - but it was also (to me) necessary to let him know how I was feeling and my concerns.
Again we struggled with me spending yet another night...this is just hard on us both. Being apart from each other when we so much want to be together. It's not that I want to or even CAN move in right now - but not waking up to him, not being in his arms at night as I fall asleep - it's so difficult...
The kids are of the utmost importance to us both - and yes there's going to have to be an adjustment period - but how do you know when it's the best time to let two pre-teens know that pretty soon they are going to have a step-mom. I don't think there's ever a good/right time - I think you have to eventually sit down and have the talk. It's hard but then it's going to be hard. So Erin is going to tell them sometime in the next day or so and we shall see.
We have both been worried about the impact of this news - but recent comments by his daughter (this morning Erin asked her 'K - what should we do with C - ?' Her answer: 'Marry her!' WOW) - and how his son acts towards me, leads us to believe everything will be OK. In the end the real test will be when I move in - that's when truly all of this will 'gel' or not as the case may be - I have faith it will all be OK. I know this love is meant to be and I know how much I want this to work and how much he does as well - how much he loves me, respects me (it's mutual between us), how much he wants me by his side (Goddess could I be this lucky?)....it's all - even WITH all the doubts and all the crap I put him through - the most amazing relationship I have ever had in my ENTIRE life - it really is...
So we shall see what happens - more people congratulated us in church today and this all feels so right, so peaceful. We all 'fit together' as a family (no, this does not mean I am going to just 'dump my own' family and that any of them are being replaced - it's just that this is going to be my new life now and I have to make a concerted effort to be an active member and participate WITH Erin and his children - my own children will understand - my son may struggle and that's going to be hard - but he is almost a man himself and he needs to try to adjust to this as well)
For now, I am praying that this works out - that we end up 'happily ever after'...hopefully that will be the case and the faerie tale will become the reality.
posted by Colette at 4:49 PM
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