The 'Do-Over'

(Re-post from March of last year - funny the difference a year makes in the way you look at certain issues):

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Meanwhile, back at my ego....


...and it occurs to me that I’ve been neglecting my *real* writing (trying to ‘chronicle’ my life my ‘adventures’) and instead have just been ranting about life in general….perhaps my writing is ‘escapism’ and right now I want the nitty-gritty-day-to-day bullshit so I don’t have to look at a blank page – and it’s not writer’s block for me – I can more than spew crap out onto the blank page – but that’s just it I don’t want it to be crap – I want my writing to be well, good...it’s the insecurity of it all and I think a lot of people who write think their writing isn’t all that great (unless you are Stephen King or -insert name of writing egomaniac of your choice here...), it’s like painters, sculptors ANY artist – one feels one could have always done better...been more brilliant.

I have part II of ‘My Carnivale Season’ put together I just need to finish it up and post it...I don’t know what’s keeping me from doing so...

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...and I’m lonely – I want to date – it’s crazy – I can’t stand the way most people try to contact me via the dating web-sites (that I have basically decided are worthless) – I mean the arrogance, the stupidity, the vapidness, the looking-for-the-next-missus crap; it all kind of blurs together. When I do find someone that I think might be worth pursuing they have things in their lives that really set off alarms for me – like young children (OK I am not trying to be a bitch here – but I am not going to raise another child – I am divorced from a guy who was a child masquerading as an adult – and if you think it does not impact me to be dating someone who has young children, think again...just not up for it, not at all), or they come across as too materialistic, or not financially responsible enough, or so *yawn* boring with no creativity to speak of and then I begin to wonder if I should avoid artistic and creative types, or...and so on.. There's just tons of things...and while I am no picnic myself at times – I think I deserve at least someone I can get along with and with whom I can find some chemistry...and I realize by meeting them in-the-flesh vs. the computer I have just as much a chance of finding out unsavory things down the line (which is why the computer appealed to me in the first place) but I am not getting anywhere on the Internet (and it’s bad – it’s awful out there – but then I get the feeling it’s awful dating no matter what and I’ve been told as much)...

So I keep saying this – I am going to try to just get out more and meet people – go to the gym, work out (but I think that’s a bad way to meet people, it feels like a bar sans the alcohol). Also, I’ve signed up for a ‘Progressive Date’ event where you meet like 30 people in one evening and I am sure I will be overwhelmed by this but hey it can’t hurt, right?

I just don’t know what’s going on out there – and I get the distinct feeling there are guys out there who feel EXACTLY the same way I do but I don’t know where they are or if I am ever going to meet them…and if I don’t it’s OK – it really is – I don’t want to come across sounding desperate...because I am not – this needs to be right for me…

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Then there’s the dreams, dreams at the edge of periphery, of stillness and shadow, or of hushed moments highly charged and erotic, the feel of flesh against flesh, but not being able to see who’s touching me nor who I am touching; it’s like there’s a veil between us and it’s lifted only for the brief moment of ecstasy and then becomes a wall again; glimmer of a woman, sighs, silk, sensual lushness, urgent yet languid and luxuriant...almost a waiting till it reaches a heightening crescendo and then just as quickly it’s gone..I feel I’ve been touched by the spirit of my own restless sexual energy; it’s a moment most intimate, a tantric episode, that lingers, taunting me with the promise of things to come...

...but what?