Crossroads

(Listening to Iron & Wine in concert)

There comes a time in your life where you have to face your own inadequacies…where you want to crawl under a rock and die….because of those lackings on your part.

I don’t want to be better than anyone else. I don’t want to be ‘perfect’ – I despise such things – I shun them because they reek of ego and I try as much as possible to squelch my ego every chance I get….it only leads to problems.

I *think* I have a big heart. I *think* I am compassionate. A lot of times I find this gets me into trouble. I reach out to the wrong people. I do too much for others and barely anything for myself.

I am faced with some very heavy decisions right now. There’s a lot weighing on my mind, my heart, my very soul feels weighted down. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I certainly don’t want to choose the wrong path and ultimately ruin anyone’s life (including my own)….there’s just too much at stake here.

I am desperately trying to hold on, to keep my equanimity and equilibrium as I try to balance everything and juggle/dancing as fast as I can. I really just need to step back and regroup. Prayer – prayer and fasting perhaps are in order here….I have to laugh, the girl I work with here in the office told me not to pray for strength because then God only sends you ‘challenges’ to make you stronger – God seems to have a devious side…

So instead pray for what? She said – pray for courage. Courage to make the right decisions, courage to stay the course, courage to do what you *HAVE* to do…
And again, this brings to mind my favourite prayer – the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me
The serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage
To change the things I can;
And the Wisdom
To Know the Difference

I feel at times like this has become a mantra for me….so often do I say it silently in my mind. Peace and tranquility seem just out of reach – yet hovering – if only I could manage to reach out, latch on, and hang on for all I am worth…