It's not easy....to be....me.
It’s hard…
I am too sensitive, too critical, too confrontational (at times), too depressed (at times), too defeatist, to pessimistic, too cynical...
I have been these things all my life – ever since I can remember. I know some of the reasons for why I am the way I am...
Mother overly critical, raised with nuns as teachers, life handing me a bunch of torment (yes I was tortured as a kid by the other kids for being ‘different’, being smart, actually once for being kind (WTF?)), a lot of pain (being molested, having my dad cheat on my mom (and I was privy to it all), having my mom die...
So fucking what? Life sucks, it isn’t fair – you gonna whine about it?
Um...
No...but still...
I get tired of all the crap, I ‘don’t suffer fools gladly’ (see my side bar for my how I view myself) – I never have – don’t think I ever will.
I am not sure what to do about these ‘faults’ of mine. I try being kind, I try to be compassionate, I try to give, I try...over and over and over again.
I get frustrated easily – I see things happen, injustices, outright abuses and I have a hard time biting my tongue.
However, I also get tired of banging my head against the brick wall of society, work, even relationships...
I just don’t know what to do with myself sometimes and it makes me want to just go away and leave things/people behind and actually be alone and be left alone...and it sounds bad, but sometimes I don’t even think I’d miss anyone or anything (unless I didn’t have music and books)...
Sad, aren’t I?
I am too sensitive, too critical, too confrontational (at times), too depressed (at times), too defeatist, to pessimistic, too cynical...
I have been these things all my life – ever since I can remember. I know some of the reasons for why I am the way I am...
Mother overly critical, raised with nuns as teachers, life handing me a bunch of torment (yes I was tortured as a kid by the other kids for being ‘different’, being smart, actually once for being kind (WTF?)), a lot of pain (being molested, having my dad cheat on my mom (and I was privy to it all), having my mom die...
So fucking what? Life sucks, it isn’t fair – you gonna whine about it?
Um...
No...but still...
I get tired of all the crap, I ‘don’t suffer fools gladly’ (see my side bar for my how I view myself) – I never have – don’t think I ever will.
I am not sure what to do about these ‘faults’ of mine. I try being kind, I try to be compassionate, I try to give, I try...over and over and over again.
I get frustrated easily – I see things happen, injustices, outright abuses and I have a hard time biting my tongue.
However, I also get tired of banging my head against the brick wall of society, work, even relationships...
I just don’t know what to do with myself sometimes and it makes me want to just go away and leave things/people behind and actually be alone and be left alone...and it sounds bad, but sometimes I don’t even think I’d miss anyone or anything (unless I didn’t have music and books)...
Sad, aren’t I?
Labels: Life, Observations
posted by Colette at 12:33 PM
4 Comments:
No! no, you’re not sad (well, you may feel sad but that’s not the question). You’re not sad. I so intensely relate to all that you say. I get so sick of it all and most of the time I try to be nice and kind and keep it all under wraps.
But the truth is, this life sucks. I have experiences similar to yours but I’m not yet brave enough to write about them, just yet.
There is a line a book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes that I love (see my profile). She says something like: it is so much easier to create evil than to create for beauty.
Your post reminded me of that. But there seems to be a lot of those who find it’s just easier to be cruel.
I don’t know because if I ascribe to that then I am committing forever to be assigned the role of “nice girl.”
How can a woman my age even have to worry about trying to still be a nice girl—is beyond me.
I don’t know the answers. I feel very much like you do though.
I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
It can be difficult to accept all the parts of ourselves. Each of us has much capacity for good and much capacity for evil. I usually try to let the good stuff through, and keep the bad stuff to myself.
Try to remember that the people who love you the most are the ones who know all the good and the bad, and love you anyway.
Don't hesitate to take time for yourself. We get caught up in all that we do for others and forget to do for ourselves. In my case I take whatever time I can get to hibernate away from the world, turn the phone off, read a book, watch a movie, lose myself for a while.
Remember to take care of yourself, because no one else can do it as well as YOU can!
No m'Love, you are not sad.
I love you just the way you are. Like I've said in the past I don't have to agree with everything you do, say, or believe. It's not for me to decide what works for you.
If you ask me about something I'll share my opinions and thoughts with you. It may be treading a fine line between honesty and criticism, but my love for you always comes first. I'm very concientious about not inadvertantly sabbotaging the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I love you.
Get a grip my dear, it gets worse!
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