What do I know?

Everything's been so 'surface' lately...it's like I can't connect.  Things are just out of reach - or maybe they're just not there and swear I can see them from the periphery...

It's annoying.  I feel like I am being scraped with sandpaper in my brain, or as if parts of my being are just wearing away. I suppose, eventually, I will be smooth.  Not shiny and new....just care-worn and flat.  I look in the mirror and I can see my age creeping up on me.  I notice new wrinkles and although I never thought of myself as vain, I still want to keep the loss of my youth at bay.  Playing for time, I guess, until I get to the point where I just stop....or time stops for me...

****************

'They' say 'write what you know'.  I want to kick them in the gonads.  

What do I know?  I write when I FEEL like writing.  I say what I need to say.  I don't agonize, I don't apologize.  So sue me.  I have written about my life here.  Not because I am trying to impress anyone and not because I think I am going to be the next great 'American Novelist '.  I often write because I have no choice, because otherwise the voices I hear, the thoughts I have would drown out all my sanity.

How do writers truly know?  How do they know the colour of the sky?  The weight of a broken heart?  The agony of injustice?  Sure, some things have happened to them.  But other than stringing pretty words together, the sky happens to everyone, as does the weather.  Life and death happen to everyone.  If writers were to only write what they 'know' we'd only have works of non-fiction.

Isn't writing about taking a chance?  Isn't writing about soul-searching?  Isn't writing about stripping yourself bare?  It is for me....and THAT I do know.  So I think that we can all take that flight of fancy, no matter what shape it takes, no matter the gender, the species, the creed.  We can all become something we're not normally.

Docs warn about Facebook Use and Teen Depression

I wanna say:'No Shit Sherlock'

We're not doing our kids any favors, letting them use social media when they can not even navigate their own lives....

Where Have the Good Men Gone?

Well I can tell you where at least one of them is lurking ;)

I married him. I promise a better post soon - about life, love, marriage and work.

In the meantime - interesting reading.

World Have Your Say: Do social networks make us 'less human'?

BBC - World Service - World Have Your Say: Do social networks make us 'less human'?

In light of the Pope's recent warning in regard to Facebook and Twitter as well as this story, (which is truly heartbreaking)

I am asking again - what are we losing here - in terms of being technologically 'addicted'. What are we gaining? Just 'acquaintances' who would joke about us committing suicide on our FB page?

I am lucky, I suppose in that I don't have a husband texting others all the time and that our dinner is about us sitting at the table (for now - and if I have anything to say about it, it's going to stay that way)...yet, I truly feel for other families as well as people in general and their need to stay 'connected' electronically while simultaneously losing 'real' connections in their lives.

Sometimes the truth hurts. NY Times: 'Vows' Weddings and Celebrations

This is a hard one. I can very easily see both sides of the coin here.

On one side you have two people who meet and go from being infatuated to falling madly in love with one another despite the fact that they each have spouses. They obviously did not set out for this to happen.

On the other side you have the wronged spouses, the children who feel betrayed and a mess that will go on long after 'vows' were exchanged.

Does that fact that these two tried to do an honorable thing despite their selfishness make up for it....no, not really, not in my humble opinion. While I find it incredibly brave of them (getting honest and all), I think that perhaps they should have exercised better judgment in many ways, not the least of which would include 'airing' this to the NY Times. I also question the newspaper's willingness to portray this 'love story' without taking into account the other parties (as well as innocent children) involved.

Sure, maybe Ms. Riddell wanted this 'out in the open' but was that to simply assuage her own guilt-ridden conscience? One has to wonder. Like Ms. Riddle, I'd like to think that love conquers all and that there is hope that with best intentions, the kids can get over this betrayal. But speaking from my own experience (where I was not nearly as brave but most definitely as selfish), I have to say that healing is slow at best and sometimes, damn near impossible for those on the hurting end of this equation. (And no, I am not suggesting that Ms. Riddle isn't hurting). But why glorify this by running a full page write up in the NY Times?

And to answer the reader who asked:

"Is it a sign of our times that personal responsibility to one's spouse and children takes a back seat to selfish, self-centered love?"

Um...in a word yes. Do you not see the divorce/affair statistics? Are you living in a cave? Selfishness seems to be the watchword of the day. Narcissism, and instant gratification all seem to run rampant. We still want to be admired, we want others to find us attractive and it often comes at the cost of our loyalty to our spouses and those vows we so solemnly took on our wedding days.

And perhaps what is making everyone squirm about this is the mirror that is being held up to our marriages and relationships. Can your intentions really pass muster? Are you absolutely/unfailingly faithful to your spouse/significant other? Would they agree if they were aware of every single instance of your interactions with people of the opposite sex, be it at the workplace, on Facebook ,or on some other social 'networking' site? In other words, would you do it in front of them...isn't that the test?

So while I wish these people the best and hope that EVERYONE involved (especially the children) heal. I still have to wonder why Ms. Riddle's and Mr. Partilla's bravery and honesty had to include the breakup of their respective marriages.

Couldn't agree more...

Via Ralph Solonitz:

Blogging in a time of Twitter and Facebook

(Otherwise the title of this should be: 'The demise of the intellect of Americans' OR 'Dumbing Down...well just about everything')....

So again - on blogging...

Do we simply not have time to read anymore? Are we seriously that busy? Have we completely forgotten the reason we all started blogging in the first place?

In cleaning up my blog I was shocked and dismayed to find many of the blogs I used to link to have simply disappeared. Sure, maybe those people don't have time anymore to sit in front of a computer and write...and hopefully all of those reasons are linked to happier/fuller lives. Yet again, it seems our lives consist of sound bites, and 140 characters and playing games on a social networking site involving things like 'flair' etc. Call me old-fashioned - but um...where's the beef?

Sure, there have always been ways to mindlessly kill time on the Internet - yet have we killed our minds as well?

And I am not asking you to read Tolstoy (who?), or to read scintillating blogs, although I would not complain if you did either...let's just say I'd be REALLY surprised if you did.

So I have some questions:

What ARE you reading, America?

What's your favorite blog (and you get points if you answer "Dancing On Colette's Grave')? (^_^)

Just curious....

Good Riddance LeBron

How to fill the other 59 minutes and 45 seconds of the LeBron James special

I used to tell my friends that I thought this young man was exceptional....

Now...not so much.

While I will be the first to admit he is free to go where he pleases and do as he pleases - the idea that there was some sense of loyalty was a bunch of shite. Further, how money grubbing can one get? Lastly, the only reason Mr. James you could not 'win' in Cleveland had nothing to do with anything except your performance in those last games where you played like shite and no where near the 'champion' everyone claims you are.

You have talent - undoubtedly. And, perhaps it was a coaching error to let you play in those games as injured as you were. But then, to turn around, and stick it to your 'fans' in Cleveland and on top of this to not PERSONALLY and PROFESSIONALLY discuss with the man at the helm of the organization (Mr. Gilbert), was pure cowardice....

Bet hey King James...I guess for you...money talks.

(for my usual readers - please try to get over the shock of me discussing sports on here - I DO like sports - I just think it is ludicrous that we pay these people this kind of money when our educational system and country's infrastructure are failing....)

Do (me) over

I have recently become enamored with Marion Cottiliard (French bombshell, model, actress, singer in her own band…yes, yes, she’s got it going on…’nuff said) – mainly the look she was sporting in a recent Vogue issue. (You may find the link to the issue/spread here.)

I decided I should try to copy ‘the look’. I took the magazine to my salon and asked if my stylist could recreate the hairstyle (the make-up would have to be on me and the clothes...well, spending $6,000 on a top just is not going to work with my economic restraints).

The young lady I’ve been going to told me that she could indeed do this for me and told me what would be needed for me to recreate on my own. (Something no other stylist has ever told me). She also said I had to go much darker with the color in order to make it look as rich and shiny. Since I seemed to be turning a bit blonde from all the highlights in my hair I was OK with this.

She did it. She pulled it off. I left that salon with my hair looking the same way as in the picture I provided. I was unable to go shopping for the make-up but I went home and surprised my husband who seemed to really like the new ‘do’.

The following day, I went looking for the cosmetics to complete the look. Let me tell you Dior cosmetics are very expensive. I got myself one of the lipsticks and I used it today. I usually am not one to rave and rant about make up. But this lipstick was just amazing - the colour and the feel were rich and silky – and the shade truly compliments my own colouring so I am thrilled. Unfortunately, the hair color (and I never thought in a million years I would ever utter these words)- is too red. It’s fake looking and so unfortunately, I have to go back to have my stylist adjust this. But I like the cut and I like playing with my hair now.

Why am I writing about this? I don’t know; partially because I find myself at times in the need of reinvention. I am not sure if this is a ‘woman’ thing or if men do this as well. I want a ‘do over’. Not with my life. Finding out I have sciatica (oh just stop whining Colette and stand up straighter mother would say...) has really put a damper on my spirits. I like movement. I like to be active. This pain is hindering me and so I think on some level, I needed to do something to make myself feel better. Even if it is just surface and cosmetic I think it helps me...

I don’t want to cross that line into the land of vanity. I have always felt that there is so much more to people than how they look. However, I find I like nice clothing, I like putting myself together and maybe, just maybe, that speaks to how much you care for yourself on the inside by trying to look your best on the outside.

...now about those clothes (*winks*) – anyone want to contribute to the ‘buy Colette a new wardrobe’ fund?

^_^

NPR: Tina Brown's 'The State of Our Privacy'

NPR: Tina Brown's Must-Reads: The State Of Our Privacy

Listened to this on my way in to work today.

I must say that it is refreshing to hear someone say what I have been thinking all along.

Why is everyone so hell-bent to jump on every new 'gadget' that comes out? What is this 'Facebook' craze? Why?

Like Tina Brown, I want to hide. I don't want people necessarily finding me, my family etc. I truly don't care nor do I want to know what Joe Blow Citizen is doing...if I did, I'd turn on that idiot box otherwise known as T.V.

Yes I blog, but to me that is not the same as putting 'Oh I am so happy and raising an ant farm and playing sorority sister' 'out there' on Facebook. It sounds, looks and feels fake as well as insipid - incredibly stupid comes to mind. Boring...sophomoric...and on and on.

I blog under a nom de plume (look it up idiot) - and - while I have shared my ups and downs and my emotions I was doing so being completely anonymous and actually trying to help myself (did I get feed back you bet - while I am at it - does anyone blog anymore? Does anyone read anything longer than 140 character anymore? Do I sound disgusted? Imagine that). While Facebook might be 'therapeutic' for those out there using it, nothing quite so 'deep and introspective' springs to mind...sorry, but I just don't see the Dorothy Parker set signing up for this crap.

I am glad I have family I can connect to, yet - could we possibly pick up the phone and call each other? Is that simply too much to ask? Is 'face-to-face' being replaced by Facebook? Isn't that scary and sad to anyone out there?

Is it possible to politely say - I really don't want to see pictures of myself from when I was say 8 years old posted somewhere for the entire world to see - I hated how I looked growing up (not that much has changed about that)- but while others may find this whimsical I find it confining and an invasion.

Oh sure it's always nice to 'see where they are now' from our 'old friends' that apparently we were so very attached to that we spoke to them all the time BEFORE Facebook (yeah right) - but there are studies about how men and women are hooking up with their ex 'long lost loves' from HS and college and dumping their spouses because of these social networking sites - this is good? How?

We complain and literally scream about our privacy being taken away and then put everything anyone wants to know about us out there. Can you say 'conflict of interests'? Ya think????

I just don't get it - like Bill Maher I want to know why you feel the need to share your private parts on a webcam...and like Tina Brown I want to know why you your life is all that interesting to the rest of the planet and what the cost is in the long run...

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Meh...

Promised herself she'd be in bed before 10 one of these night...obviously lying to herself...

So many feelings right now - thoughts flying around my head - reverberations - too much to hold - not enough clarity to write - ugh I hate this - I need a muse - they always talk about men having muses but women? I had one once - he's gone now...I wish I could conjure him up again - my magic fails me these days...

I left my dreams on your pillow so I am stealing it back...

"I can tell you what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown"

Just some commentary....

I was trying to find Advent Calendars for my step-kids - the kind that have little chocolates in them....

You could order them on-line but I needed them a bit more immediately. So I went to Target. Lo and behold they had them...but they were not named 'Advent Calendars' they were called 'Countdown to Christmas'....

Um...yeah....

So my comment is this - if you are going to use the word 'CHRIST' in the title - why not go the extra mile and make it what it actually is - an advent calendar? We have to sanitize everything for your protection these days. It's OK to say Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanzaa - but Merry Christmas - no friggin' way - that simply not PC.

I am not the type to rave about Christian stuff - in fact usually I am on the other side of the fence - but I do believe in calling a spade a spade and I am kind of sick of the reverse discrimination of things....

So be brave marketing guys....grab that 'Christian' market and run with it....

Gospel of Luke . 2:8-14

"'⁸And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. ⁹And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. ¹⁰And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. ¹¹For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. ¹²And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. ¹³And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, ¹⁴Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

"....THAT'S what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown...."

Happy Ending - Happy Days Blog - NYTimes.com

Happy Ending - Happy Days Blog - NYTimes.com

This post hits home with me..especially after watching one of my fav movies last night:
Million Dollar Baby

Life is too short. I find I no longer have the time I used to THINK I had and therefore I have no use of things that waste time....

I know that sounds bad on some levels but it's true.

I have a lot that seems to be 'at stake' these days and what with struggling with feelings of loss, hurting over things that I can't control and just the general BS that makes up life - I want to pick and choose I guess a little more carefully what I allow myself to 'wallow' in. I am trying I suppose to be more philosophical - but I fail at this as well.

Death does seem to always be nipping at our heels like some demon puppy that won't go away. We can decide to be at peace with us or keep running like hell from the inevitable. I guess in the end embracing the notion or acceptance of the fact that all life (and relationship) is impermanent and fleeting is somewhat of a learning curve for us all.

That is why I guess I am so grateful for the love of my husband and for at least being able to have a continuing relationship with my own children - to me these are precious commodities and they are treasures to be guarded and protected and nurtured.

Thank you Mr. May for reminding me of how important it is to try to live a life of meaning and substance; devoid of regret (if possible).

"The first shall be last and the last shall be first.."

I am trying (TRULY) to hold my tongue – to understand certain things – to think in terms of being a good person, being ‘christ-like’ towards others but sometimes it all escapes me and I come undone…

The other night at the suggestion of a friend, I went to a prayer/healing service at our church. Considering all that has been going on lately, I felt I needed some healing – at least the idea of someone praying over me sounded good…

The man who came to our church was great. He seemed down-to-earth and not at all ‘in your face’ about things – he truly seemed to be genuine….

HE was great….the people in the pews were the ones who made me ashamed to be Catholic/Christian…

Never have I seen such greed and nastiness.

Grant it – the way this was set up for people to have this man ‘pray over them’ was such that it was going to take a lot of time, (the church was packed) – so perhaps he’d have done well to say that it would take a lot of time – but he did tell us all to be PATIENT – you know the virtue…patience????

Anyway – there was this one particular little girl that was already getting nasty looks because she was goth, she was covered in tats and wore all black – but the thing people were missing is that she was strung out…she was trembling, she was rocking back and forth and let’s just say I know the look…not to judge – she was obviously really struggling. And I am not suggesting that she was more in need than anyone else…but she was suffering a lot. So when she saw an opening to move ahead she did – she jumped pews and sat quietly rocking back and forth….I so wanted to go hold her and tell her everything would be OK….

The people in the pews next to me and behind me did not hide their disgust and contempt – I was waiting for someone to start stoning her on the spot – and I was so disgusted by everything I was hearing about what this child did that I almost left myself (and I probably should have…)….I just could not believe how badly these people were behaving…upon second thought, I DO believe how they were acting – let’s just say I was really upset by their lack of Christian kindness and compassion….

How sad – how did people act when Jesus was going from town to town healing the sick, helping the poor? Were people being shoved aside? Did people believe that they were more worthy of a cure than their neighbor? Did they believe there was not enough ‘cure’ to go around?

Do we ever change?

"The pain's gonna make everything alright...."

How does one do it? How do you go through a crisis and stay focused? How do you manage to pretend it’s all ok – or even better – it’s all going to be OK?

I don’t know.

I know I am struggling. I know at least once a day I have tears in my eyes that I can’t write off as merely ‘allergies’….I know that sleep has become an elusive butterfly of a need and I can’t seem to catch it….I know the depths of despair and the glimmer of hope and I am caught right dead in the middle…

I know I am grateful for my family – my siblings and my daughter especially, for Mr. C~ (even if he is on the other side of the world right now), for my husband, for the people at the recovery center who will help me to cope and give me that shred of hope.

I am upset for my ex husband and wish I could mend what I think is his broken heart. I wish I could say the words he needs to hear to lessen his pain, I wish I could make his heart/mind soften a bit and learn the art of forgiveness and acceptance.

I understand all too well the ‘not being able to trust’ mode that my ex and I now find ourselves in – and the scenery here is WAY to fucking familiar for my taste. But what else can we do? Even if it all goes to shit tomorrow – isn’t that how it’s meant to be? Does the universe ever totally comply with our desires?

"Losing My Religion..."

Just pondering...(mainly because I need to keep my mind occupied)....

So....

What do you think hurts more for our loved ones? The stuff we did while they were on earth in their human form - OR - the stuff they know and see now that they are 'hevenly/otherwordly' beings?

*********

If you are a Buddhist/Vegetarian due to your religious convictions and you feed your cat/dog meat does that mean you are in trouble karmically?

*********

Yep...just wondering....

On the path to 'becoming'

For Erin...

"You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving. All those who think to learn in any other way deceive themselves."

++St Francis de Sales++

(Per my love - herein follows the full quote):

" There are many besides you who want me to tell
them of methods, and systems, and secret ways of
becoming perfect, and I can only tell them that the
sole secret is a hearty love of God, and the only way
of attaining that love is by loving. You learn to
speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by
running, to work by working ; and just so you learn
to love God and man by loving. All those who
think to learn in any other way deceive themselves.
If you want to love God, go on loving Him more
and more ; never look back, press forward continu
ally. Begin as a mere apprentice, and the very
power of love will lead you on to become a master
in the art. Those who have made most progress
will continually press on, never believing themselves
to have reached their end ; for charity should go on
increasing till we draw our last breath. Those who
are farthest on may say with David, Lord, what
love have I unto Thy law ; all the day long is my
study in it ;

Cancer, my parents and my doubts about God - CNN.com

Cancer, my parents and my doubts about God - CNN.com

More on this later...it's about having a 'faith journey'...and how I can identify with this woman on a lot of levels...at any rate, it's a great article - very well written.

********
It's later...

Yeah. I posted this because on a lot of levels I identify with what is written here. There is doubt. There is doubt within the doubt.

I have faced many things in my life. I have been at the brink, at the edge and known that if I fall there is no safety net. I have stared death in the face - death won....taking away my mom. I hope she rests 'in a better place'.

There has been hopelessness and fear, love lost and not regained. There has been wonderment at 'why did I do that' and then afterwards the resignation of knowing I blew it, yet again, ruined something precious and wondering if I will ever get 'it' back...especially lately...

Yet..it's not that I don't pray, it's not that I consider myself without faith - I feel in my heart I am a very spiritual person...but, is that enough?

Lately, the people I love the most are suffering - I won't go into details but it takes my breath away, shakes me to to core and has me constantly torn between fervent prayer and railing at God ('Oh yeah big guy you wanna f*$%# with ME?!?!?!?)
It's so frightening...and it's so hard because I love these people so much...

I have been meeting with a group of women from my church getting ready for a renewal weekend and, as I listen to them tell their own faith stories about their own faith journeys, I am at once humbled and filled with admiration at their strength and resilience and most of all their love...their constant unconditional love for family and others. I am doing my best to learn the lessons I need to learn with some of these older, wiser, sisters of mine acting as my touchstone to God/dess...

********

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Bitter pills

I am slowly dying here. My level of apathy grows daily – drowning out everything else. I feel surrounded by likewise individuals who don’t seem to care either….the passion has been snuffed out and replaced by tepid/feigned interest at best. Constantly people behave this way - I mean is this how we are suppose to live our lives?

Why do people seemingly ‘fake it’ – why do they lie? Isn’t it better to just be honest? Even if the honesty is going to hurt someone – what type of betrayal is better? What makes people feel better in the long run – a little sugar with the medicine?

*******

I keep getting hit on at work and elsewhere. It's not always the same people...but it makes me wonder.

Why do we cheat on each other? Is it because we finally get fed up and tired of the SO in our life? Is it because we are bored? Is it because we are seeking attention? Is it because we are simply schmucks and don't give a fuck and have no self-control? Is it that we are missing something vital in our moral fiber?

A lot of guys when cheating have been known to say (about their SOs) - she just doesn't understand me anymore, she doesn't care, she ignores me...

Is it the same with women? Are women wired differently when it comes to this stuff - are we just constantly looking for affirmation and closeness/intimacy and when it's not forthcoming we finally break?

I just don't get things anymore....and it's scaring the hell out of me.

Of Life and Remembrance...

So much has been going on lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yadda, yadda, yadda…I am sure it is the same with every single one of you out there. We are, all of us, too busy, never have the time, wake up one day, dead…

There, I said it: Wake up one day dead.

What will be your legacy? What do we end up leaving behind for our loved ones to remember us by…

Today I found out that one of my co-workers lost their dad this past weekend. And with everything else that’s been going on in my mind, there seems to be enough fertile ground to plant the seeds of asking such questions.

Is it an ego thing to want to be remembered? To want to leave something behind so people will remember you? Is that why rich people have university and hospital buildings named after them?

Is this what we strive for? Some form of recognition? Some bid at immortality? Is this why is hurts us to be rejected or to feel like people are not paying enough attention to us? Do we just do things for the sake of doing them – such as mitzvahs or tasks for the greater good/volunteer/charitable works? Or is there an agenda?

This past weekend, my wonderful husband and I ‘worked’ our parish festival. The reason behind this anti-carny work was about as antithetical as it gets from working a carnival/festival. We were there to get people to pray. That’s right, a church festival where people should try to pray – what a concept. And I have to tell you we did not get very far with the ‘powers that be’ if you will about having a ‘booth’/space where we could dedicate time to praying the rosary. I would go into more detail here but that is for my husband to chronicle since it was his brain child to begin with….

Suffice it to say – we won a victory and indeed we had an ‘I Pray the Rosary’ table at the festival. We met some cool people. We made t-shirts and we prayed every night we were there. It felt really good – especially to be doing this with my husband – and to be praying with others – keeping the spiritual flame burning.

Meanwhile, I am reading a book I read when I was young. ‘The Song of Bernadette’ – it is the ‘fictionalized’ story (written by Franz Werfel) about the life of St. Bernadette of Lourdes (Bernadette Soubirous). In this book, Bernadette is a very poor, very simple country girl. She is a bit addlebrained. She has no clue about the outside world and she is not very devout at all in her Catholicism. Suddenly Bernadette’s world is turned upside down by a supernatural event. People are suddenly interested in her and her family. They want to know everything. Against her will, the young Bernadette is suddenly thrust into the spotlight. What has always amazed me about this is that she keeps her head. She keeps her simplicity. She keeps her integrity, honesty, and innocence. This to me is just astounding. Even though this child has lived a poorest of the poor existence, even though she has conflicting feelings about what is going on, she stays true to her innermost self. She suffers greatly because of this…yet she stays the course of her heart.

In the end – isn’t that what we all need to do? I am not trying to get preachy here or holier than thou on you all – take it as you wish – but deep down, what good will the legacy of buildings named after us, more wealth than we know what to do with and high-brow aspirations do us if we lose our selves in the process?

So do I want to be remembered when I go? I suppose. The measure of a life is not counted so much in those that you loved – but by those that loved you. Selfless acts, without expecting anything in return seem to be the most rewarding activities we can cultivate. The garden of our soul needs tending, I believe, more than any other part of our own cosmology of self or any other aspect of our existence for that matter.