Bleh...humbug...

I am miserable....

Part of me hates this time of year...part of me loves it...

I have a headcold and all I want to do is sleep. Things are stressful and all I want to do is pack my bags and go away from them....

There are some bright spots here and there...Erin and I went to see Eileen Ivers perform her 'An Nollig' (An Irish Christmas) show with The Cleveland Orchestra on Friday evening and actually got to hang out with C2 and Wendy which was extremely fun and wonderful and I miss C2 an awful lot...

But where there's stress, there's fire and there's lots of upsetedness and I feel so bad...like I am suppose to be little miss suzie sunshine and I just can't manage it...like I am letting people down...I am struggling to maintain and keep things in check and it's just not seeming to work out and I so don't want to visit this on the people I love the most. But I am hurting...

I want to pour my heart out on a page somewhere and leave the bloody imprint and purge my soul of all of it's darkness but I haven't a clue how to do that...

I try over and over to get away from these things but like some fucking monster under the bed it pursues me and there's no antidote, no comfort, no respite...

I want to stop feeling so lost, so overwhelmed, so sad at times in that 'non-use-of-drugs-to-numb-myself' kind of way but sometimes I think that's all there is...

I think about my past - the people stuck there frozen in time - those relationships that never quite go away, the 'hauntings', and the ones that 'never quite were' and I want to take a brick and smash the mirror that reflects them so that they too will disappear from the landscape of my psyche..

It's like I want to join a fucking witness protection program or something...*laughs* or the carnival...

Bah!

I just want someone to tell me that everything will be OK. To hold me and comfort me and let me be totally selfish and childish and somehow take all this from me - sort of like a Gethsemane moment - Father I don't want to drink from this cup anymore - just pass it onto the next schmuck....

Geez...am I really this selfish?

Yeah it figures I go to write and all I manage to pour out is misery...when all I wanted to say was Blessed Solstice...

But perhaps that's the point - perhaps sometimes we are suppose to be immersed in darkness so we can more appreciate the lightness when it strikes or some such psycho-babble shit...

Who knows..

Blessed Solstice to you all - may your winter be dark but filled with warmth to stave off the cold.