"The pain's gonna make everything alright...."
How does one do it? How do you go through a crisis and stay focused? How do you manage to pretend it’s all ok – or even better – it’s all going to be OK?
I don’t know.
I know I am struggling. I know at least once a day I have tears in my eyes that I can’t write off as merely ‘allergies’….I know that sleep has become an elusive butterfly of a need and I can’t seem to catch it….I know the depths of despair and the glimmer of hope and I am caught right dead in the middle…
I know I am grateful for my family – my siblings and my daughter especially, for Mr. C~ (even if he is on the other side of the world right now), for my husband, for the people at the recovery center who will help me to cope and give me that shred of hope.
I am upset for my ex husband and wish I could mend what I think is his broken heart. I wish I could say the words he needs to hear to lessen his pain, I wish I could make his heart/mind soften a bit and learn the art of forgiveness and acceptance.
I understand all too well the ‘not being able to trust’ mode that my ex and I now find ourselves in – and the scenery here is WAY to fucking familiar for my taste. But what else can we do? Even if it all goes to shit tomorrow – isn’t that how it’s meant to be? Does the universe ever totally comply with our desires?
I don’t know.
I know I am struggling. I know at least once a day I have tears in my eyes that I can’t write off as merely ‘allergies’….I know that sleep has become an elusive butterfly of a need and I can’t seem to catch it….I know the depths of despair and the glimmer of hope and I am caught right dead in the middle…
I know I am grateful for my family – my siblings and my daughter especially, for Mr. C~ (even if he is on the other side of the world right now), for my husband, for the people at the recovery center who will help me to cope and give me that shred of hope.
I am upset for my ex husband and wish I could mend what I think is his broken heart. I wish I could say the words he needs to hear to lessen his pain, I wish I could make his heart/mind soften a bit and learn the art of forgiveness and acceptance.
I understand all too well the ‘not being able to trust’ mode that my ex and I now find ourselves in – and the scenery here is WAY to fucking familiar for my taste. But what else can we do? Even if it all goes to shit tomorrow – isn’t that how it’s meant to be? Does the universe ever totally comply with our desires?
Labels: Despair, Hope, Life, Observations
posted by Colette at 12:47 PM
2 Comments:
"the ‘not being able to trust’ mode scenery is WAY to fucking familiar"
Why is that? Taking a page out of our faith, how do we fall short of what has been commanded of us? I bet God gets tired of seeing us do the same thing over and over again (I'm picturing the scene from the "Love Dare" movie at the foot of the cross.)
It's what we do, fall short over and over again. It's what others do too. Let go of the past, stop worrying so much, and enjoy the time you have with the ones you love and when/if something happens deal with it then (see Mt 6). You worrying won't change their behavior, and I'm sure you'd prefer to be smiling instead of stressing.
my comment is mainly geared to Erin:
I do not see a single thing to smile about in this situation.. 2 ppl whom i care for with all my heart and soul.. wandering this earth, un saved.. not knowing Gods love or what He is truly capable of.. and both hurting like no other pain they have before...
if they die tomorrow, not only will i cry, not only will i miss them, not only will i be sad.. but my Soul will ache, my heart will never be the same, because I am no where close to accepting that either of them believe in Christ.. they both deny it over and over.. so Yes, while the bible does say to leave your worries at Christs feet, which is Not an ez task.. but I try.. that does not mean i go around keepin a smile on when i Think of them, because right now.. their souls are in a state to frown and worry over.. but then again.. they always have been...
for my mom:
i am truly sorry that right now you are under so much stress.. I do love you, as does your son, and even his father ( not the same love as your husband of course ) i can not in any way imagine what your going thru, and i pray every day i will never have to.. as i look at my babys, i cry out to god, show me how i can keep them safe, and protected... without over sheltering them... right Now we are broken, and rock bottom.. and thats where God wants us most, because he tends to work better when your only choice is to get on your knees :D
Lovin you tons ma, call me any time <3
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