Momentum
(You know, I used to be a writer...once upon a time...)
It's coming - I can feel it. The rush of feelings - it's like a daemon on my back. The waves, an ocean of feelings taking me down - under and I am drowning. It enters into me, icy through my veins and surrounds me and I can't see, hear, breathe. It's anger, and hate, and it's tinged with desire and longing and fear and yearning.
I think sometimes I want to just be alone, to just be. To try to deal with all of this and get the answers that lurk just beneath the surface. So confusing and yet deep down I know the answers, I just can't speak them out loud to myself - like it's an ancient language and my tongue has lost the ability to use the words; the meanings are jumbled and incoherent to my mind. Life is impermanence and I should have know all of this - seen it coming.
I imagine other women, living other lives in other cities...big cities and there are masses of people - everywhere they look they see humanity - but they stay, alone. They go home to their walk-up flats and they eat TV dinners and they feed their one cat, Tinkerbell, and they curl up on their couches amid blankets and Cosmo magazines and channel surf trying to figure out why they are alone. Have they missed some important infomercial that will show them how to look better so they can attract that all important mate. Get married, have 2.7 children, live in a cape-cod with a picket fence and a dog named Beau (short for Beauregard) - because of course the hubby is a southern gentleman. Only to have the man grow tired and bored and run off with his 20-something secretary because the wife is too tired for titillating sex due to the fact that she is managing the house, taking care of the kids and working outside of the home...stupid, stupid women - who also should have seen this coming.
Doomed we are all doomed to live out this existence. The same thing our mothers and grandmothers went through, life after life, generation after generation. How do we break the chain?
Can I be that strong? Can I reclaim my inner Colette or Anais so I don't have to feel this pain? Or is that part of the secret - the pain that we all try to avoid, the never-ending cycle of suffering that only enlightenment will stop...
Perhaps the idea is to become a warrior and just live by a code that does not allow for such frivolity as love. To become mistress of my own destiny and never give up the ship that houses my soul. Only give away those parts of myself that I can afford to lose. I need a strong wind to carry me out to sea, to a deserted island when I can begin anew.
It's coming - I can feel it. The rush of feelings - it's like a daemon on my back. The waves, an ocean of feelings taking me down - under and I am drowning. It enters into me, icy through my veins and surrounds me and I can't see, hear, breathe. It's anger, and hate, and it's tinged with desire and longing and fear and yearning.
I think sometimes I want to just be alone, to just be. To try to deal with all of this and get the answers that lurk just beneath the surface. So confusing and yet deep down I know the answers, I just can't speak them out loud to myself - like it's an ancient language and my tongue has lost the ability to use the words; the meanings are jumbled and incoherent to my mind. Life is impermanence and I should have know all of this - seen it coming.
I imagine other women, living other lives in other cities...big cities and there are masses of people - everywhere they look they see humanity - but they stay, alone. They go home to their walk-up flats and they eat TV dinners and they feed their one cat, Tinkerbell, and they curl up on their couches amid blankets and Cosmo magazines and channel surf trying to figure out why they are alone. Have they missed some important infomercial that will show them how to look better so they can attract that all important mate. Get married, have 2.7 children, live in a cape-cod with a picket fence and a dog named Beau (short for Beauregard) - because of course the hubby is a southern gentleman. Only to have the man grow tired and bored and run off with his 20-something secretary because the wife is too tired for titillating sex due to the fact that she is managing the house, taking care of the kids and working outside of the home...stupid, stupid women - who also should have seen this coming.
Doomed we are all doomed to live out this existence. The same thing our mothers and grandmothers went through, life after life, generation after generation. How do we break the chain?
Can I be that strong? Can I reclaim my inner Colette or Anais so I don't have to feel this pain? Or is that part of the secret - the pain that we all try to avoid, the never-ending cycle of suffering that only enlightenment will stop...
Perhaps the idea is to become a warrior and just live by a code that does not allow for such frivolity as love. To become mistress of my own destiny and never give up the ship that houses my soul. Only give away those parts of myself that I can afford to lose. I need a strong wind to carry me out to sea, to a deserted island when I can begin anew.
posted by Colette at 11:06 AM
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