Tuesday, December 16, 2003

My mind has become the enemy

Think, think, think - all I do is think. It's drivig me crazy. If I could just turn it off - if I could just find the switch - if I could just turn to alcohol or drugs...if I could meditate again...

I really don't have that much time on my hands, I have my work, I have my life, I have my family and my friends, I have my teaching. And yet...my mind wants me to keep looking at this drama - from every angle - inside/outside, up/down/sideways.

I look and I look and I can't find the answers - he keeps telling me - 'what are you going to do if there are no answers' - yes I see now is the time to be Zen about all of this - what crap. There are always answers. We just don't always have the formulae.

I want to laugh again. I want to dance. I want to sing again. I want happiness - I am so tired of the darkness. Why can't I make this all just go away? Wake up from this nightmare? Can someone shake me and tell me that I am dreaming. Where have my dreams gone? I don't have any energy anymore. I drag myself up out of my empty bed in the morning, drag myself into work, sludge through the day, drag myself home...no energy. The thoughts keep coming and coming and there is no stopping them. They are like waves pounding a shore, the wide, vast shore that is my mind - now beginning to fill with the litter and trash of a discarded relationship. Perhaps one day a forensic psychologist will look inside my mind and find the key.

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