Monday, November 22, 2004

Fixing a hole....

Fix things…he says when I go in to court he wants to know if I can fix things….

Just what in the hell is it I am supposed to fix???? By ‘fix things’ what he means is that he wants me to not go through with this divorce. Yeah um ok….I file for divorce because I find out not only is he still trying to see his little 18-yr-old slut but that he is continuing to hit on other women – and now *I* am to go in front of a judge tomorrow and say ‘Gee I am sorry your honor but I have changed my mind????? Never mind, sorry for wasting the court’s time!?!?!?!?!?!?’

And then what????? Continue on like this – always wondering, never trusting him. Here’s my situation. I am living where I am living until my son is out of high school. I am doing right now what is best for my son. It is the best thing for him right now because he is now in a better school. So this is going to be my life for the next 2 years. After that I am not sure what my situation is going to be.

In all fairness my husband should just move on with his life – this is his chance to be free of me and all those things he felt were suffocating or tying him down, or getting in the way of him having a more interesting and ‘fun’ life/lifestyle. He made this decision when he decided to get off of his meds and spiral downward into his disease process which he *claims* is what caused him to chase after an 18 year old (and dozens of other women and men too). He apparently decided to be a ‘closet’ Don Juan and when I found out I am not quite sure what he expected me to do – I guess he expected I would stick by him no matter what, that I would honor the part of the marriage vows ‘in sickness and in health’ – he did not count on me to get fed up and kick his ass to the curb.

Further, and perhaps I am missing something here…the last time I checked if you really want a relationship to work out (even if you ARE separated from your wife); if you really want to put the marriage back together again – does that mean you go out and ‘date’ does that mean you continue on with your little affair??? So what kind of message does that send your wife???

I’ll tell you what kind of message it sends – it sends the message you aren’t interested. Sure it might also send the message you are lonely and you need to sow your wild oats etc. But you know what – you should have done all that BEFORE you got married. And have you never heard of such a thing as self-control, how about the word discipline? If you want something then by God you do what it takes. Period. If you want someone to take you back then you do what they need you to do. Period. You make an act of good faith. You DO NOT chase the same slut and/or other women. You do not whine or gripe about what your wife’s actions have done to inconvenience you (like an ass not realising YOU are the one who did this to the relationship). In essence you get your shit together. My husband claims he can’t afford to go see a counselor – really? But he CAN afford to buy comic books? Interesting, isn't it nice this marriage was not worth more than gaming and comic books.

He says he is not going to show up at court tomorrow – he says he can’t take off of work – so once again I am faced with HIS inability to face things. His refusal to acknowledge. If work is more important than going in front of a judge and telling that judge YOUR side of things – that *YOU* want to save this marriage – well then I guess you get what you deserve my dear. It’s not that I am trying to play the damsel in distress here and that I think it’s going to change things per se but again see above for the ‘what kind of message’ does this send and you'll get the idea.

This decision has been hard for me – I have agonized over this, cried and cried over this, lost sleep over this, lost my appetite over this, lost my sense of self over this….I have lost a lot.

I love this man – I will probably always love this man. There’s no helping that. I am not sentencing him to death – I am not even sentencing a relationship with him to death – I am doing what I feel I need to do for me. I am I some ways doing something for him too.

I am setting him free….

2 Comments:

Blogger Liam said...

It never ceases to amaze me the things people do. He half heartedly pulls his head from his ass and decides you have to be the one to stop this? The trouble with some people is it's NEVER ABOUT THEM! It's always about the other person. With adulthood comes something called responsibility. I'm very sorry that this late in the game he still hasn't learned that lesson. He will likely grow old and alone with no one, because of course it's NEVER his fault in anything. I wasn't aware they made a pill that could make that believeable, even to oneself.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Ohjeeze said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:41 PM  

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