Timing is everything

...and mine seems to suck.

You know I don't meet (as I have said) - a lot of people I really like - or even admire all that often. Oh sure I like most people - unless they give me a reason to feel differently - like acting like idiots (which unfortunately refers to a majority of the population - read where it says in my profile I don't suffer fools gladly - you get the picture...)

One of the guys I have been 'hangin' out with' has really turned into one hell of a find. He's cool. He's funny. We get along splendidly and he 'gets me'. I can't say this about a lot of people. In fact I can't say that about just about anyone in my life at this juncture. We haven't known each other long - and of course - as there is between all men and women to some extent - there existed some sexual tension between us. He had issues that concerned me though, and in my heart I was concerned because I found myself beginning to really like him. I was lamenting to a girlfriend that I didn't know what to do because I found myself having feelings for him but I was afraid (not just of those feelings) - but because of some of the stuff he has going on in his life.

Recently, he went away to China for a visit and I am sure it was quite an experience for him. Before he left, he had told me he had the opportunity to go see a 'friend' - he got back from China and we went for coffee and of course talked (like we always do) for a couple of hours. We also talk on the phone like that. So I finally decided to write to him and in my e-mail letter to him I said that I was fearful of what I was feeling (we are nothing if not really honest with each other) - I told him I really liked him but for obvious reasons I was worried about 'falling' for him. I told him I did not mean to dump on him but I wanted this out on the table - in the open - not necessarily that it required action, I just wanted him to know where my head was. His e-mail back to me was very gentle and kind - and since we both agreed at the onset of meeting to have 'no expectations' - I did not think much of it.

Now I have found out that his 'friend' in China is a much more than just a friend. He plans on having her come here to the States and be with him. He is in love with her. He said he needed to tell me because he felt that he 'owed' me that much. That our relationship was based on honesty and he did not wish to lose me as a friend...

He will never lose me as a friend. I have to hand it to him. He could have kept his mouth shut, been a total penis, and taken advantage of me being vulnerable and me beginning to have some feelings for him - but he didn't - he did the decent thing...the UNUSUAL thing. He told the truth. He didn't think with his penis.

I am now in awe of this man. I am also sad, because somehow I think I missed something here....something wonderful.

I will be forever grateful that he calls me a friend. And the cosmic joke of it all isn't lost on me either...

I wear a Claddaugh ring with the heart facing outwards to show that I am not taken. I guess over the years I've been trying to 'give' my heart away - not realising what a precious commodity it is..nor do I seem to understand that perhaps it's not a good idea to give it away to begin with...the better, wiser thing to do is to keep your heart in a safe place, so it can't be broken...

Some out there might think I am saying "don't fall in love" no, that's not it...what *I* am saying (I think) - is that you shouldn't give away what you can't afford to lose.