Scenes that go to make up a life...
It’s been a weird week emotionally, for me...
First of all learning about ‘Daiv’s’ dad and my emotions about Daiv and his connection to myself and my ex...just have me out of sorts, sad, I don’t know – can’t put my finger on it...
Then a blast from my past...
When I was a Junior in high-school – I was in the advanced French class. Because at the previous school I had taken French before the high school put me ahead of my other classmates. So I was put in a French class with a bunch of seniors ALL OF THEM GUYS – I was the ONLY girl in the class. There was one young man in the class in particular who was to become our schools very own ‘Doogie Howser’ – he ended up leaving school early and going straight into Medical School at CWRU. He had a really big crush on me. He was a really nice boy. He grew up to be a really great doctor apparently. The other day from classmates.com I happened to see that he had recently signed up or been added to our schools listings. I decided to try to hunt him down to say ‘hi’ - well I got a call back from a somewhat irritated sounding doctor on Tuesday…turns out it was him and when he found out who I was, his whole demeanor on the phone changed. We did a little catching up and really had a nice chat. I gave him my contact info and hopefully I will hear from him again….
Then, yesterday, I heard from my other dear friend. She just found out her daughter has been hiding the fact that she had been diagnosed 4 years ago with diffuse scleroderma (this is a really serious condition) – it’s devastating. My friend is devastated and so am I. I’ve known her and her kids for years now. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I can’t even begin to imagine how she must feel...to have such a vibrant young woman stricken with such a disease it just puts me completely off center...it is life, I know...but, these people are family to me and my heart just aches – I feel so helpless – so wanting to do something and not being able to...
Then there’s the Yoga ‘thing’ - it seems to be really a bright spot in my life right now. I have energy and excitement associated with it. I want to put all my ‘positive’ eggs in this basket and yet….doing the ‘Catholic’ thing here – I feel guilty for the way my life seems to be going when those around me are suffering. It’s not that I feel I should be doing poorly or that I don’t ‘deserve’ this – it’s not a deserving thing – I’ve worked hard for this to come to fruition. It’s just that I feel bad and that I don’t want to share this joy with those friends. I remember when my daughter became pregnant and I didn’t want to share it with this same dear friend because her *other* daughter has been unable to conceive...I finally did tell her but I felt bad and I didn’t act as joyful and as happy as I felt – I told her in a very subdued, hushed way – just trying to have some respect for the fact that *I* was a grandmother and *SHE* wasn’t – *SHE* really wanted to be and *I* was kind of lukewarm about it (me being what I felt was too young *chuckle*, I still feel that way at times.)
So on it goes, the sorrow and pain mingling with happiness and joy and good fortune smiling down on me and me not sure if I am deserving or not because there is still so much suffering. I need to remain humble in the face of grace and willing to give back to those in need and those I love. To be as unselfish as I can, and to try to be there, no matter what – as they’ve been there for me.
First of all learning about ‘Daiv’s’ dad and my emotions about Daiv and his connection to myself and my ex...just have me out of sorts, sad, I don’t know – can’t put my finger on it...
Then a blast from my past...
When I was a Junior in high-school – I was in the advanced French class. Because at the previous school I had taken French before the high school put me ahead of my other classmates. So I was put in a French class with a bunch of seniors ALL OF THEM GUYS – I was the ONLY girl in the class. There was one young man in the class in particular who was to become our schools very own ‘Doogie Howser’ – he ended up leaving school early and going straight into Medical School at CWRU. He had a really big crush on me. He was a really nice boy. He grew up to be a really great doctor apparently. The other day from classmates.com I happened to see that he had recently signed up or been added to our schools listings. I decided to try to hunt him down to say ‘hi’ - well I got a call back from a somewhat irritated sounding doctor on Tuesday…turns out it was him and when he found out who I was, his whole demeanor on the phone changed. We did a little catching up and really had a nice chat. I gave him my contact info and hopefully I will hear from him again….
Then, yesterday, I heard from my other dear friend. She just found out her daughter has been hiding the fact that she had been diagnosed 4 years ago with diffuse scleroderma (this is a really serious condition) – it’s devastating. My friend is devastated and so am I. I’ve known her and her kids for years now. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I can’t even begin to imagine how she must feel...to have such a vibrant young woman stricken with such a disease it just puts me completely off center...it is life, I know...but, these people are family to me and my heart just aches – I feel so helpless – so wanting to do something and not being able to...
Then there’s the Yoga ‘thing’ - it seems to be really a bright spot in my life right now. I have energy and excitement associated with it. I want to put all my ‘positive’ eggs in this basket and yet….doing the ‘Catholic’ thing here – I feel guilty for the way my life seems to be going when those around me are suffering. It’s not that I feel I should be doing poorly or that I don’t ‘deserve’ this – it’s not a deserving thing – I’ve worked hard for this to come to fruition. It’s just that I feel bad and that I don’t want to share this joy with those friends. I remember when my daughter became pregnant and I didn’t want to share it with this same dear friend because her *other* daughter has been unable to conceive...I finally did tell her but I felt bad and I didn’t act as joyful and as happy as I felt – I told her in a very subdued, hushed way – just trying to have some respect for the fact that *I* was a grandmother and *SHE* wasn’t – *SHE* really wanted to be and *I* was kind of lukewarm about it (me being what I felt was too young *chuckle*, I still feel that way at times.)
So on it goes, the sorrow and pain mingling with happiness and joy and good fortune smiling down on me and me not sure if I am deserving or not because there is still so much suffering. I need to remain humble in the face of grace and willing to give back to those in need and those I love. To be as unselfish as I can, and to try to be there, no matter what – as they’ve been there for me.
2 Comments:
For Daiv- Last Lists of My Mad Mother by Julie Jensen, and my best hopes.
For you, well, don't you think those going through suffering want something else to talk about sometimes? As long as you give them time to talk, it must be a relief for them to talk about your joy. And if the yoga gives you the energy to be there for them, then they don't have to feel guilty leaning on you. Never hide joy, share it. If they are really friends, then they will be happy with you. If they are jealous and wish you as miserable as they are, then they do not deserve the consideration.
> doogie reunion
this is adorable .. c'est adorable.
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