"Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore"
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about the ‘dating’ debacle in my life. *laughs* - probably because for the most part it’s non-existent…
I still have ‘profiles’ out there in no-man’s-land and I get ‘hit on’ but nothing really peaks my interest. It goes to the previous post on being irritated. For instance, I am sick of hearing from people who are so lazy they can’t even describe themselves. I am also tired of having guys write who have no picture nor do they have any intention of sending you one.
When I first began this exercise in futility way back, I put a lot of thought and effort into my profile and posting a picture or two. So my take on this is that if you are not going to provide me with any info on you then don’t expect me to write back. I feel I am at a distinct disadvantage in the internet dating game without having info to go on and I am not going to provide you with a phone number or my real e-mail unless I DO find out some things about your first. Like can you read??? (do you read???), are you intelligent etc.
The other thing that is really ‘weird’ is that I keep getting hit on by guys in their 20s…I think that’s strange. My take on this is – if I am old enough to be your mom then rest assured you are not my type (a lesson my ex could have learned – but then it’s different for guys isn’t it?)...
One recent 'funny/odd' think that just happened was that I got a response from a guy that I thought had 'winked' at me online. Since he seemed intelligent, I decided to write to him in responnse and try to find out more - turns out his 'friend' had thought it would be funny to 'wink' at people on his behalf (yes it's bizarre in a Miles Standish sort of way) - at any rate, he did end up writing me back - and for an 'accident' turns out he's a really funny and smart guy. *shrugs* who knows we'll see if it goes past the intial e-mail stage.
********************
In my ongoing attempt to learn even more about the psychology that goes to make up that which we humans refer to as relationships (otherwise called ‘mating’ in the jungle) – I am currently reading a book by Peter Kramer, MD entitled: “Should you leave?” It’s very well written and it talks about relationships and all the myriad permutations that revolve around trying to decide if you should stay in a troubled one and if it’s even worth working on. It’s too soon in the book to decided if it’s going to be of any help to me. But I will say I’ve come across some interesting anecdotal stories to ponder. Such as a patient who once brought Dr. Kramer an Ann Landers’ advice column (because basically the premise of the book is that we all want advice NOT psychotherapy to help us make such decisions) – at any rate in that particular column, Ms. Landers tells a woman who wants her husband to stop reading the newspaper at the dinner table that if she wants her husband to pay attention to her the onus of the responsibility falls on her to ‘read up on things he’s interested in and then engage in conversation’ – the readers took Ms. Landers to task for this advice. The insight that Dr. Kramer provides is that perhaps there is another option for the wife – for all of us.
In this post-Donna-Reed world as modern women approach their relationships and even post-divorce dating – I suppose we are faced with some very tough decisions. A lot of us (at least in my age group) – don’t have our mother’s to ask for advice on this – for me because not only is she passed on now but because divorce for my mom’s generation was really taboo.
Dr. Kramer goes on to talk about one of his ‘patients’ (for really he is painting pictures of various patients in various situations) – who even though she found out her partner had been unfaithful (by atypical standards – it wasn’t a physical affair – it was more a betrayal of intimacy by sharing relationship details with another woman), the woman who wanted to know if she should stay or leave – had some good points (that is after she totally trashed some of his property once she found out about his on-line betrayal). The 'argument she posed was that she had not found anyone that she felt so in tune with so why would she give him up over something like this – after all she wasn’t perfect herself...so why trash it all and leave. What was it she was going to find that was even marginally better.
*sigh*
The whole thing has me second guessing my own actions out of anger; from a very gut level (where I lived kind of feeling. With the going psychobabble, we get directives such as ‘Staying only encourages them to treat you this way’, or ‘You have to first and foremost protect yourself and your psyche from harm, emotionally...’ I mean it seems that we are never offered any third options and a lot of times getting the one you love to even commit to going to see a shrink is an arduous task at the very least.
So again, what’s a woman to do? Do we stay with sub-standard because as we get older our options dwindle? Do we fight for our self-esteem and our right to be us and end up alone because the 20 or 30-something doesn’t act as strong as we do? Is there a middle ground and when does compromise compromise our very selves? I mean and are those our only choices? To find someone 'marginally' better than the next penis?
And I ask this in terms of dating again because I don’t want to chase off someone who is perfect for me just because I am scared and/or picky but I don’t want to settle either. It’s like the laundry list I came up with before and it’s become such a muddle in my brain that I am not even sure if it’s worth it or if I should just drop all the pretense and go get fucked and relax and see what happens...odd choice but who knows, it might be the right one for me at this stage in the game.
I just suddenly feel like Dorothy from the film ‘The Wizard of Oz’ after the Wizard has handed out all his ‘gifts’ to the others and she says: “I don’t think you have anything in that little bag for me”
*pout*
I still have ‘profiles’ out there in no-man’s-land and I get ‘hit on’ but nothing really peaks my interest. It goes to the previous post on being irritated. For instance, I am sick of hearing from people who are so lazy they can’t even describe themselves. I am also tired of having guys write who have no picture nor do they have any intention of sending you one.
When I first began this exercise in futility way back, I put a lot of thought and effort into my profile and posting a picture or two. So my take on this is that if you are not going to provide me with any info on you then don’t expect me to write back. I feel I am at a distinct disadvantage in the internet dating game without having info to go on and I am not going to provide you with a phone number or my real e-mail unless I DO find out some things about your first. Like can you read??? (do you read???), are you intelligent etc.
The other thing that is really ‘weird’ is that I keep getting hit on by guys in their 20s…I think that’s strange. My take on this is – if I am old enough to be your mom then rest assured you are not my type (a lesson my ex could have learned – but then it’s different for guys isn’t it?)...
One recent 'funny/odd' think that just happened was that I got a response from a guy that I thought had 'winked' at me online. Since he seemed intelligent, I decided to write to him in responnse and try to find out more - turns out his 'friend' had thought it would be funny to 'wink' at people on his behalf (yes it's bizarre in a Miles Standish sort of way) - at any rate, he did end up writing me back - and for an 'accident' turns out he's a really funny and smart guy. *shrugs* who knows we'll see if it goes past the intial e-mail stage.
********************
In my ongoing attempt to learn even more about the psychology that goes to make up that which we humans refer to as relationships (otherwise called ‘mating’ in the jungle) – I am currently reading a book by Peter Kramer, MD entitled: “Should you leave?” It’s very well written and it talks about relationships and all the myriad permutations that revolve around trying to decide if you should stay in a troubled one and if it’s even worth working on. It’s too soon in the book to decided if it’s going to be of any help to me. But I will say I’ve come across some interesting anecdotal stories to ponder. Such as a patient who once brought Dr. Kramer an Ann Landers’ advice column (because basically the premise of the book is that we all want advice NOT psychotherapy to help us make such decisions) – at any rate in that particular column, Ms. Landers tells a woman who wants her husband to stop reading the newspaper at the dinner table that if she wants her husband to pay attention to her the onus of the responsibility falls on her to ‘read up on things he’s interested in and then engage in conversation’ – the readers took Ms. Landers to task for this advice. The insight that Dr. Kramer provides is that perhaps there is another option for the wife – for all of us.
In this post-Donna-Reed world as modern women approach their relationships and even post-divorce dating – I suppose we are faced with some very tough decisions. A lot of us (at least in my age group) – don’t have our mother’s to ask for advice on this – for me because not only is she passed on now but because divorce for my mom’s generation was really taboo.
Dr. Kramer goes on to talk about one of his ‘patients’ (for really he is painting pictures of various patients in various situations) – who even though she found out her partner had been unfaithful (by atypical standards – it wasn’t a physical affair – it was more a betrayal of intimacy by sharing relationship details with another woman), the woman who wanted to know if she should stay or leave – had some good points (that is after she totally trashed some of his property once she found out about his on-line betrayal). The 'argument she posed was that she had not found anyone that she felt so in tune with so why would she give him up over something like this – after all she wasn’t perfect herself...so why trash it all and leave. What was it she was going to find that was even marginally better.
*sigh*
The whole thing has me second guessing my own actions out of anger; from a very gut level (where I lived kind of feeling. With the going psychobabble, we get directives such as ‘Staying only encourages them to treat you this way’, or ‘You have to first and foremost protect yourself and your psyche from harm, emotionally...’ I mean it seems that we are never offered any third options and a lot of times getting the one you love to even commit to going to see a shrink is an arduous task at the very least.
So again, what’s a woman to do? Do we stay with sub-standard because as we get older our options dwindle? Do we fight for our self-esteem and our right to be us and end up alone because the 20 or 30-something doesn’t act as strong as we do? Is there a middle ground and when does compromise compromise our very selves? I mean and are those our only choices? To find someone 'marginally' better than the next penis?
And I ask this in terms of dating again because I don’t want to chase off someone who is perfect for me just because I am scared and/or picky but I don’t want to settle either. It’s like the laundry list I came up with before and it’s become such a muddle in my brain that I am not even sure if it’s worth it or if I should just drop all the pretense and go get fucked and relax and see what happens...odd choice but who knows, it might be the right one for me at this stage in the game.
I just suddenly feel like Dorothy from the film ‘The Wizard of Oz’ after the Wizard has handed out all his ‘gifts’ to the others and she says: “I don’t think you have anything in that little bag for me”
*pout*
posted by Colette at 12:05 PM
1 Comments:
I can relate on so many levels!
First, the whole "internet dating" thing is very weird...as weird as personal ads used to be. We are supposed to boil our entire selves down to a few perfect words that, ultimately, are extraordinarily superficial. Words can never describe totally what's on the inside, what the soul looks like or how we react to life.
It's why I've always prefered meeting people face to face...and if they refuse to do so, I don't have time for nonsense. Usually, if someone wants to just email, he's got some problems!
As for singledom later in life and asking mom for advice--a friend of mine and I discussed why we had "drinking problems" in our 20's. We were both single in our 20's, and there were no guidelines, wtih the exception of Helen Gurly Brown, to tell us how to do it. Our mothers didn't have the same problems or live in the same kind of social milieu. So we drank a bunch because it seemed like the sophisticated thing to do when it was really a default because we didn't know what else to do.
Turns out, in our maturity, neither of us has a drinking problem.
As we get older, too, the criteria for dating and staying with someone changes. Do we really want that hormone blast all the time? That hormone blast that, after the honeymoon is over, goes away? The man I've chosen to keep over the past 4 years is a good man, with a wonderufl heart, and is very different from me. We've talked about breaking up many times for many reasons, but we never do. It is our compassion for one another's struggles (not feeling sorry for the other person) that is part of why we stay together. For me, he has no problem letting me thrash around and do strange things in order to "find myself." I give him space to go off hiking for days without getting peeved and don't try to control his every move.
The reasons for being in a relationship when one is 40 or more should be different from when one is a 20 something. Whether we like it or not, being over 40 means hormones are slowing down and the need to procreate just isn't as urgent as it is when younger...so the criteria for choosing a partner should be different. It sometimes isn't about whether or not someone's going to make a good dad, but if he's going to make a good companion in our old age. Will he make me laugh, be supportive of whatever I want to do, and be able to deal with menopause? Can I accept his balding head, his short memory, and his quiet nature? These questions are more important than how much sex we might be able to have during the week. After 40, sleep is often more important than sex anyway.
As for younger guys--first, I don't have time to be someone's mother (someone in his 20's) and, second, I don't have time for hyper-aggressiveness (guys in their 30's). I prefer those just post midlife crisis. They know how to enjoy life.
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