Sometimes...

Things just go through my head - I can't help it - like right now - because of all of this crap down south I've got the song from Led Zeppelin 'When the Levee Breaks' going through my head...inappropriate I know.

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Tonight I was suppose to have a date (somewhat) - he cancelled ( for the 2nd time) he has never met me - we have not shared gads of e-mails or phone calls - he cancelled cause he says he's having a bout of bursitis. He is 11 years older than me - I guess that sort of thing begins to set in?? Not sure - I did not even bother to answer his e-mail because I just don't care anymore - I know that sounds cruel but I just don't feel like dealing with it...I've grown weary of all the crap. (I have to laugh C2 said something like he should just take some tylenol and deal with it). I tend to agree....

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I was also, this evening, as planned, taking my son and dropping him off at his drum teacher's house. Unfortunately for him (and as it turns out for me too) - his teacher was not home so he did not get the chance to record some music as he had planned. We went to get something to eat then tried his teacher's house again still no show on the part of the drum teacher.(Since this meeting was not set in stone he was pretty cool with the teacher not being there) - my son even apologized for wasting my time. But right before we got home (and this was seriously out of the blue), he decided to let loose with some really hurtful things about the little 'pet name' I had for him as a little boy and about some of the things we used to do when I'd play with him - pretending and keeping his imagination/creativity going (at least that's what *I* thought I was doing) - turns out he apparently hated it - ALL of it.

Now I know he's a teen and I know teens are difficult and I know they say things without even realising what they are doing. But I also now know why wolves eat their young. I felt so hurt. By the time I got home I was wiping tears from my eyes. He didn't know he had made me cry and I didn't want him to see me cry. I snuck up to my room and by the time I got there I was sobbing uncontrollably.
I cried for so long and so hard I can't breathe now. I was crying so hard I could not see and now my head is pounding. (Perhaps I am crying over more than his careless comments...but I don't know).

I am amazed at the power he had to hurt me and equally amazed at the depth of that hurt.

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I just want to be held by someone who doesn't have an agenda. Someone who can hold me and not necessarily NEED me. Someone who can comfort me but wants nothing in return. It's the search for unconditional love and since I can't teach my cats to hold me I guess I am S.O.L. - so what happens when the one who is always strong in the family, the one who is always comforting the others needs some comfort themselves?

Nothing - absolutely nothing.

I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am just tired of caring all the time. Really, suddenly tired, really in pain and all I want to do is curl up and perhaps die in some small way...or just be told it's all going to be OK.

I don't usually put this stuff on here (at least not anymore) - in the past - what made me start writing all this to begin with - was mainly my hurt and anger at being betrayed by the man I loved. But a lot has been building up lately and I have never felt so alone...