The kindness of strangers

Never ceases to amaze me – and I’ve written about it before.

I am also amazed that people resonate with what I write – I am constantly amazed by this phenomenon. And it’s not that I am arrogant enough (or stupid enough) to think that I am the ONLY one experiencing what I experience. But I am humbled when people decide to leave me comments about their own experiences because I struck a chord in them. ‘Di’ Thank you - I encourage you to write your feelings down it helps a lot (well at least it helps me). Liam, (and by extension Sid), I love you both I could not ask for a better friends.

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So I’ve been on what Mr. C calls the ‘divorce diet’ once again not really eating (the way I should) – I nibble here and there and then feel sick. I’ve been sleeping somewhat but it’s fitful. I’ve been holding this in and I want to explode.

HE calls me.
He talks to me – asks about the cats, tells me how sad he’s been, tells me about the storm brewing out in the Gulf, ready to hit Florida (I am praying it sweeps him up and carries him out to sea – but that’d be too good for him <*weak smile*>
Our conversations go something like this:

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: How are you? How are the cats?
Me: OK
(long dead silence)
Him: Yeah, it’s been hard down here….I wish you were here…
Me: {more silence}
Him: C, I miss you…this has got me convinced even more I need to make things work between us
Me: uh huh
Him: What’s wrong? You seem distant
Me: {thinking to myself – you mean I am not being ‘friendly’ enough}
Him: C???? You there?
Me: uh huh
Him: {more urgent} what’s wrong??? I am NOT doing anything wrong down here if that’s what your thinking {he’s a bit upset now – well more so at least – he was already upset}
Me: uh huh
Him: C – talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong.
Me: Look this isn’t the time nor the place. You are still burying your father. Take care of things there – be with your mom – don’t worry about me.
Him: {easily distracted} Yeah we’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and getting his things in order…
Me: Yeah OK – well give your mom my best – talk to you later.
{end}


This went on for a couple of days – mainly I just acted numb on the phone – now some of you who have spoken to me know how I am on the phone (animated, chatty ( it's sort of like 'please for Goddess’ sake shut the hell up C' – kind of experience) – or sometimes – like with Ken Y, I am nervous...)

Thursday, he kept pushing me to talk – finally I went absolutely ape-shit on him – I was crying, shaking, furious. He told me he was only doing stuff on the Internet ‘as fun’ that he actually had not done anything ACTUALLY. I was floored. I asked him if he expected me to believe him – he mumbled no...I went on to ask him why he felt it was OK to do things like this. I asked him why he felt it was preferable to lie to total strangers instead of telling me the truth. He said he didn’t know. I drew in a sharp breath and told him I was done – totally done with him...I told him I could no longer deal with him in any shape or from (not even as a friend) because I hate liars and as long as I feel that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie then I simply could not do this anymore. I told him I did not think for one minute he was just doing this on the internet to 'fuck' with people and if he was well he was more evil than I ever thought he could be. I told him he was delusional, pathological, and needed to be committed to an asylum. He's a big-time comic book geek, and I actually asked him if he thought Superman would be proud of him being such a low life (geez I am such an idiot).

I told him to stay in Florida, help his mom and start his life down there. I told him not to come back if he felt at all he was coming back to anything with me. He was really upset too and he kept apologizing over and over telling me he did not mean to do these things – that he was lonely. He said he wanted a commitment from me – again I was flabbergasted by this A COMMITMENT!!!!! I asked him what he thought he had done to our PREVIOUS commitment – answering for him - he trashed it – and I told him I could not commit myself to a liar and I never would. Again I re-iterated I had had it. I told him if he didn’t leave me alone I’d make sure someone would pound it into his skull - literally

*sigh*

Sometimes when I think back - feeling my way over the past - like it's a roadmap; it's littered with the ladmines of arguments and feelings pushed down to the point of bitterness - I wonder about my own sins. What did *I* do to deserve this - what karmic payback is due me for my own bad deeds. What I put here on this blog is so one-sided. It takes two people to make a relationship (and to break it) - maybe I didn't love him well enough? I don't know. I know I can't keep putting myself through the wringer anymore over the things he's never going to amount to as well as the things I am simply not willing to accept in my life anymore.

It's just time to move on for good and stop kidding myself that I could try to remain friends with someone like him. You have to like your friends. I'd never befriend someone I thought was a liar and a cheat. It's not that I think I'm better than them...it's that I don't want to associate with those kind of people (to me they are the criminals of the emotional landscape).

I work things out, turning them over slowly in my mind - like a rat in a maze trying to find my way out - I just don't want to be so totally poisoned by all of this - I really have to try to find some sort of peace with all of this crap.

Somehow...someday....