On 'Prof' Kinsey

OK....

So I've been doing some soul searching. Especially after watching the aforementioned PBS special about Kinsey and his revolutionary take on human sexuality.

I've come to understand that sometimes we can't help the people we fall in love with - even when they are toxic to us. I have also come to understand that sometimes we do things that cause others pain - and sometimes we can't control our own urges (sexual and otherwise).

Upon the return of my ex I had to see him - I actually picked him up from the airport. He knew how upset I was.

I made it pretty clear to him that I could no longer be drawn into anything with him. I felt bad even talking to him like this after the loss of his father. He told me that he knew what he had been doing was wrong. I told him I was not there to judge him - I just needed to keep myself sane and safe. He told me he knew he needed help and he told me he felt he was addicted to this type of behaviour (note to Mr. C - this was a small victory but it did not feel like one).
I told him I had heard him apologize before that it was up to him to fix him - not anyone else.

He wants to be friends with me - he wants me in his life...I don't know what to do about this other than keep my distance until such a time where I feel he can't hurt me anymore...I don't know if that is ever going to happen. When it comes to my heart I kind of doubt it...if there is such a thing as being too nice, too compassionate, I seem to be the poster child for that.

And so I think about the work of Prof. Kinsey and the enormous impact it had on human sexuality. Part of me applauds his bravery, his forward-thinking attitudes. Part of me feels that he was perverse and just trying to get his rocks off. As many sexual researchers today will tell you - he left out some really important concepts in his research. Such as love, loyalty, societal mores. While perhaps these were not 'scientific' enough for the good professor - they are -(I might add unfortunately)- what life ends up being about when it comes to the 'science' of love.

Sure, we are 'chemically' and biologically attracted to the opposite sex (and in some cases the same sex)....but after that biological need is sated things get a bit complex. For many of us, I think that's where we run into problems. Would that we could just do our 'biological thing' and be done with it - but then we have to (sometimes) go and ruin it by falling in love. We fall in love with the 'wrong' people all the time, we fall in love with the 'right' people all the time too, but then we get bored - or things change and the 'chemistry' is somehow altered. I think that if we could be more logical about things there'd be less heartache. Or perhaps the lesson is to learn to live in the moment and the future be damned. I don't know the answers (obviously). I do know that I am an idiot. I seem to be a romanticist at heart and my heart feels like it's breaking all the time - all because I was dumb enough to fall in love with a man who does not know how to even properly love himself. Yet I feel helpless in loving him. I feel like that stupid fucking Meatloaf song (please take no offense Mr. Meatloaf) 'Two out of Tree Ain't Bad' - it sucks it really sucks. And as intelligent as I consider myself to be, this situation continues to plague me. Sure, it'd be great if I could just have a mad, passionate affair (I have said this before) - but my own self-esteem, or my outdated notion that sex should be a spiritual experience and not just merely a biological function - damns me to this self-imposed prison.

Part of me feels I don't even want to fall in love anymore - it's just to friggin' painful. But the other part is telling me to just hold out (for what? I don't know). That there is something better just around the bend or over the horizon (or rainbow, perhaps).

I salute Professor Kinsey and his work This PBS special certainly made me think and made me understand a lot more about my own precarious situation and even put me at ease to some extent.

I hope my ex finds whatever it is he is looking for. I hope he finds peace or love or both. As I sit here in someone else's house, blogging about my own heart-song, I just happened to look up at my sister-in-laws shelf here at her computer desk and read the daily calendar meditation with a mandala and the meditation reads: "Meditate with compassion for the ignorant" - well folks as far as I am concerned in the ways of love most of us are just that. Those of us lucky enough to have found our 'soul mate', (which, according to my Yoga teacher 'soul mates' don't exist)or perhaps the secret is that those people are just persistent enough, or strong enough to fight for their loves no matter what comes their way - the rest of use are envious.

I have been blessed with a lot of love in my life (I refuse to look a gift horse in the mouth). I love so many people and I am loved by a lot of people as well and that is gift enough. While I continue to hope for another 'lightning bolt' that may never come - I am at least content in the knowledge that I have had great love in my life and Goddess willing I will have it again - with or without the biological imperative...and wouldn't it be a blessing to put all that aside as well...