Teenage Wasteland

My son and I had another knock down drag-out fight the other night. I don’t say that because we fight all the time – it’s just that it IS such a rarity that when it DOES happen I feel so bad. I feel like I am dying inside…..

It all started because I told my son that I was no going to put up with his bad grades – he brought home a ‘D’ in English and that’s his strongest subject. All the rest of his classes this year are electives and my only request was for him to bring home ‘C’s this year...

So when I got his report card and saw a ‘D’ for English and an ‘E’ in speech class I went nuts...He went nuts back – he called me a raving lunatic bitch (yes he used that word) – I WAS raving – he began criticizing my life based on my failed marriages – I mean he went nuts on me. I came really close to slapping him – really close...understand that I don’t ask him to do much of anything. Take out the trash, put away the clean dishes – every now and then clean up his room…that’s it. There are times though - where I end up doing them myself...

We went back and forth, back and forth – both of us livid – both of us not getting anywhere...a stalemate and no one was backing down.

The next day, I was so shaken up I wrote him a letter/e-mail and I apologised for my own outburst – because in his own pain he reveled to me that often times I lash out at him and hurt him and it builds up inside and he has no outlet – I am not excusing the things he said – but I DO need to become more cognizant when I am lashing out at the people I love...

***************

First of all I want to apologize for my behaviour last night and over the past – I truly am sorry if I’ve hurt you in any way – it’s certainly not my intention – I love you and I don’t want you hurting – especially at my hands or through my deeds.

I don’t know why it’s so important to me that you do well in school – but it’s always been my hope that my children would do well in school. I struggled myself (for what it’s worth) against kids that were assholes and teachers that were on power trips and I know it’s hard – you seem to think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teen but I truly haven’t – I guess I just somehow hope that it will be better for you that you can somehow rise above it all...

What really hurt me was when you said to me ‘You don’t know me, Mom’ that was like a knife in my heart. And perhaps in your mind, I don’t know you – but I carried you inside of my body for 9 months – I held you while you were a baby and I comforted you and took care of you – I DO KNOW YOU – I know you better than anyone on the planet – I might not know you in the way you want me to know you – and you might feel like I am not ‘cool’ enough – but it truly hurts me to think that you would feel that as your mom I don’t know you – I feel like we talk – I feel like we talk well to one another and that we are being sincere when we do talk – perhaps I am wrong here – but I know you well enough to know you are smart, talented, a gifted musician, a non-conformist, witty, sharp, opinionated and passionate. I believe in my heart and mind and soul that you could do anything you set your mind to and no matter what it is that YOU decide I want to help you as much as I possibly can to realize your dreams. All I ever want for either of you, my children, is for you to be happy, successful, and content.

I know you harbor a lot of anger towards me because dad and I divorced when you were still quite little – I know you have abandonment issues, rightly so – you feel I walked out on you. I hope and I want you to know, that I never left YOU – I’ve always loved you I will always continue to love you – if you can imagine I love you as much (or even more) than you love drumming and music – that is the depth of my love for you – it actually goes even deeper than that – it is as wide as the universe and it knows no bounds. I am sure from these ‘issues’ spring others such as low self-esteem – again for the sake of argument here if we are going to use your scenario of ‘you don’t know me Mom’ and ‘Dad raised me’ then I guess we should blame these issues on him – but I want to shoulder the blame as well, since I am ½ responsible for your upbringing and so again if you felt you mom ‘abandoned’ you of course you are going to have low self-esteem and feel you are not worthy or capable of being loved – I am here to tell you (again for what any of this is worth) – that is not the case – I am not saying your feelings aren’t valid – but, you are wonderful – truly – you are one of the coolest kids I have ever met. You ARE cute (I know it’s kind of a weird thing for a mom to be saying) but it’s true – you are funny and smart and you’d be a great find for any girl. You need to realize your potential and your own self-worth and understand that you are an incredible person inside and out and others admire you and think highly of you. Total strangers think highly of you, and not too many people can say that.

Look, from here on out I want to forge a new relationship with you – if you will let me – I want to get to know the man you’ve become now – again if you will let me – I want to go do some things with you – maybe we can go check out a film or go have coffee and talk. I will no longer argue with you about school – if you want to make mistakes in your life then I suppose the lesson *I* need to learn here is to allow you to do that – you have every right to screw up your own life (I screwed up mine, dad screwed up his – I suppose you are entitled). I don’t want to see you suffer – but your life is ultimately in your own hands – I know I won’t always agree with your decisions but they are YOURS to make, Tony. You just have to remember that in the end when you are an older adult and your life isn’t going the way you wanted it to go – you can’t come back and blame dad and I for that – because we’ve always strived to provide you with what’s best for you and that may have included advice you refused to take...but that’s OK in the end. It’s all OK.

I love you with all my heart – with all my being. Again I am sorry if I take things out on you and I am sorry if I seem miserable – I am at times, but that’s not your problem.

Please accept my apology and let’s try (if it’s OK with you) to move on and try to build something new and better.

Always,

Mom

****************

I wrote this letter to him and he read it and he cried and I cried too. I told him that I would no longer tolerate his disrespect though and that if he wanted to be treated as a ‘grown up’ he needed to act like one. I told him that me asking for and expecting him to do things around the house and get at least ‘Cs’ in school was not something that I was gong to back down about – that in life there are rules and regulations and if he did not follow them in my home – he’d certainly need to follow them to some extent in the outside world.

I don’t know what it is that happens between mothers and their children. I know children have to ‘break away’ they have to forge their own path – they have to become the people they are here on earth to become...but there comes a time it would seem, in even the most loving and close parent/child relationships, where lines are drawn in the sand and are inevitably crossed. My daughter’s and my relationship was much more volatile and she ended up getting kicked out of my house. I don’t want to go that way with my son but I think when he turns 18 and goes off to college we will need to part ways...and it’s for the health (mental and otherwise) and well-being of us both. I can’t wait to see what he grows into and I hope I am around to witness his full potential come to fruition.

It's not easy raising kids - it never was - and I've been blessed with 2 beautiful children. I obviously would give them the moon and the stars if I could but I guess I'll just have to be content with giving them the best mom I can be.