...what it is...
...and I'd like to say it mattered...that so many people care (and IT DOES this is not to insult them or to minimalise their feelings/kindness)...
It's just that it doesn't matter either (hard to explain); not when you are stuck inside; trapped by your own feelings of negativity, sadness, general worthlessness (let's throw a pity party - no let's not)...and it's nothing and everything at the same time.
My birthday is coming up - and, it's not that - I've never cared about getting old(er) - still don't perhaps it's all that is happening around me and I can't break free of it to enjoy; or won't allow myself to...I never liked my birthday either or celebrating it - for ages it was always tinged a bit with sorrow...
Had a wonderful time at 'Cheesy Movie Night' over at Liam and Shawn's despite having to drag a friend I'm not that thrilled about in general (just because her whole 'take' on things and her demeanor drives me nuts a lot of the time - sort of like her comments 'Oh I watch Charmed - do YOU watch it? I mean you being a 'pagan' and all..' leading to 'I've told people that some of my best friends are pagan' and I want to say 'bitch you would not know pagan if it came up and bit you in the face' and of course because she's still 'very good' friends with my ex and every chance she gets she has to remind me of that...I mean I don't hate her, but then I am not fond of her these days either; don't know why I invited her to come along except that I know she loves Liam and it's good to see her soon-to-be (although he's being forced into being marriage) fiance at times and then also seeing another former kind of 'friend'/ acquaintance there, one that I was not expecting (also not that thrilled about in general - especially since she acted like I was her long lost twin or something...I hate shit like that; I don't like people like that - they strike me as very 'fake' - sorry...but it's *my* honesty (rearing it's ugly head again), what can I say...not my party - but it was fun nonetheless and more on it later...
So went home that night and I was up, very late, (as you all can see from my last posts that 'day') until like 2 AM - went to bed and then began to realize that my son wasn't around...I was wondering where he was; it's not unusual for him to be gone on the weekends late and roll home in the wee hours - but for some reason I was 'concerned' (more than normal) well I could not sleep for thinking of this...by 7:30 AM he still was not home - by 9:00 AM still not home so now I am losing my mind; when he has 'crashed' at friend's houses in the past, he'd let me know...all of a sudden past visions of my daughter's stunts when she was this age came flooding back -(she went missing for 36 hours though and did it as a 'show' of independence) Â by now I am out and out panicked - so I begin calling his friends - finally got a hold of one who said he was hanging out with the girl he's been seeing (oh yes my son is finally dating) - so I call this girl's home - no answer - her mom works at our local Speedway so I went over there and re-introduced myself and asked after my son - she tells me yes he was over there and that he slept on the couch - she also said she offered him a ride home that morning and he refused saying that he had to go to his band practice and then to work...at this point, I was guessing he was not planning on coming home...I was a bit infuriated by this. His one friend must have called him cause when I got home, he was calling me and being a bit apologetic. I told him we were going to have a talk. I talked with his dad as this is something I feel I need 'back-up' on. His dad constantly hits me with the 'Buddhist' take on things even, though he's not a Buddhist nor does he have a clue about things like 'respect'...he says things like: 'Well he's 17 now, what are you going to do when he's 18?' What *will* I do then? I will STILL expect a call or a note or some inkling as to where he is, some way to get in touch. I am his mom and it's only common courtesy to let me know - I do not ever say to him 'no you can't be out' I don't care if he's out - I just want to know he's safe...wtf is the problem with that?
So we had a family meeting and both of us sort of laid into him and he was seemingly remorseful but again I felt like he and his dad were just not as sincere as I'd hoped, (not trying to project here) - but I felt like it was 'lip service' and I mean I was so upset I was having heart palpitations with fear over my son  and I worry - a lot - way more than I should or need to, but there's something about when you think your child might be missing and the re-visiting of those past emotions that went one when my daughter WAS missing washed over me and had me so tightly in it's grip that I was actually experiencing heart palpitaitons with fear....my son when he heard this changed his tune - my ex was un-moved - he was more angry that *I* was bothering him with this stuff...and now you know why *we* got divorced....not a hint of unification when dealing with what should be shared parenting issues....
Further at one point we were all down visitng my land-lord (who actually did give my son a tongue lashing when he heard what he had done) - and my ex begins to mention that I had been out late visiting my 'gay' friends...um OK WTF??? What the hell does the sexual orientaiton of my friends have to do with anything and what fucking difference does it make what time *I* came home - *I* am not the teen here and I did not not bother to come home WTF???? I was livid - not only because my ex was being a total fucktard but because I *like* my landlord (and when I say like I mean would like to date my landlord), and while I'd never date ANYONE who was not gay-tolerant - it was none of my landlord's business and most certainly not my ex's place to discuss MY PRIVATE life...
I just can't believe this....
So I had absolutely NO SLEEP for 2 days - I was home sick yesterday - but went to teach my Yoga class (another ocuntry heard from - for a later post)- I was totally exhausted last night - got home and once agian my son was no where to be found, no note, no message - nothing - I went to sleep too eaxhausted at this point to care until around 9:30 PM when all of his friends decided to start calling at 10 minute intervals - by 10:30 my blood was boiling - by 11:30 my son was stillnot home - when he finally did come in (not long after 11:30 PM) with a different girl in tow - I quietly called down to him to come upstairs and then told him to send *this* girl home (I know this girl from his past - I like her enough but I was in no mood to have him enetertaining as Hugh Hefner, Jr. while I was trying to sleep) - he went down and told her she had to leave (at my request - and at this point I don't even give a fuck) and then he came upstairs - we talked more he stayed really calm - I ended up crying (just too much emotion not enough sleep) - I told him that he really had to start making a concerted effort to let me know where he was - we discussed getting him a cell phone - we are both going to have to work at this....and I hope we come up with a solution soon because I am wearing thin - too thin to keep dealing with all of this.
He's a good kid - he really is - but it's often the 'good kids' that get in the most trouble and I sometimes have visions of 'things' happening to him - awful things I can't even explain it at times...and perhaps it's merely my 'overactive' imagination - but it does not feel that way...
not at all....
It's just that it doesn't matter either (hard to explain); not when you are stuck inside; trapped by your own feelings of negativity, sadness, general worthlessness (let's throw a pity party - no let's not)...and it's nothing and everything at the same time.
My birthday is coming up - and, it's not that - I've never cared about getting old(er) - still don't perhaps it's all that is happening around me and I can't break free of it to enjoy; or won't allow myself to...I never liked my birthday either or celebrating it - for ages it was always tinged a bit with sorrow...
Had a wonderful time at 'Cheesy Movie Night' over at Liam and Shawn's despite having to drag a friend I'm not that thrilled about in general (just because her whole 'take' on things and her demeanor drives me nuts a lot of the time - sort of like her comments 'Oh I watch Charmed - do YOU watch it? I mean you being a 'pagan' and all..' leading to 'I've told people that some of my best friends are pagan' and I want to say 'bitch you would not know pagan if it came up and bit you in the face' and of course because she's still 'very good' friends with my ex and every chance she gets she has to remind me of that...I mean I don't hate her, but then I am not fond of her these days either; don't know why I invited her to come along except that I know she loves Liam and it's good to see her soon-to-be (although he's being forced into being marriage) fiance at times and then also seeing another former kind of 'friend'/ acquaintance there, one that I was not expecting (also not that thrilled about in general - especially since she acted like I was her long lost twin or something...I hate shit like that; I don't like people like that - they strike me as very 'fake' - sorry...but it's *my* honesty (rearing it's ugly head again), what can I say...not my party - but it was fun nonetheless and more on it later...
So went home that night and I was up, very late, (as you all can see from my last posts that 'day') until like 2 AM - went to bed and then began to realize that my son wasn't around...I was wondering where he was; it's not unusual for him to be gone on the weekends late and roll home in the wee hours - but for some reason I was 'concerned' (more than normal) well I could not sleep for thinking of this...by 7:30 AM he still was not home - by 9:00 AM still not home so now I am losing my mind; when he has 'crashed' at friend's houses in the past, he'd let me know...all of a sudden past visions of my daughter's stunts when she was this age came flooding back -(she went missing for 36 hours though and did it as a 'show' of independence) Â by now I am out and out panicked - so I begin calling his friends - finally got a hold of one who said he was hanging out with the girl he's been seeing (oh yes my son is finally dating) - so I call this girl's home - no answer - her mom works at our local Speedway so I went over there and re-introduced myself and asked after my son - she tells me yes he was over there and that he slept on the couch - she also said she offered him a ride home that morning and he refused saying that he had to go to his band practice and then to work...at this point, I was guessing he was not planning on coming home...I was a bit infuriated by this. His one friend must have called him cause when I got home, he was calling me and being a bit apologetic. I told him we were going to have a talk. I talked with his dad as this is something I feel I need 'back-up' on. His dad constantly hits me with the 'Buddhist' take on things even, though he's not a Buddhist nor does he have a clue about things like 'respect'...he says things like: 'Well he's 17 now, what are you going to do when he's 18?' What *will* I do then? I will STILL expect a call or a note or some inkling as to where he is, some way to get in touch. I am his mom and it's only common courtesy to let me know - I do not ever say to him 'no you can't be out' I don't care if he's out - I just want to know he's safe...wtf is the problem with that?
So we had a family meeting and both of us sort of laid into him and he was seemingly remorseful but again I felt like he and his dad were just not as sincere as I'd hoped, (not trying to project here) - but I felt like it was 'lip service' and I mean I was so upset I was having heart palpitations with fear over my son  and I worry - a lot - way more than I should or need to, but there's something about when you think your child might be missing and the re-visiting of those past emotions that went one when my daughter WAS missing washed over me and had me so tightly in it's grip that I was actually experiencing heart palpitaitons with fear....my son when he heard this changed his tune - my ex was un-moved - he was more angry that *I* was bothering him with this stuff...and now you know why *we* got divorced....not a hint of unification when dealing with what should be shared parenting issues....
Further at one point we were all down visitng my land-lord (who actually did give my son a tongue lashing when he heard what he had done) - and my ex begins to mention that I had been out late visiting my 'gay' friends...um OK WTF??? What the hell does the sexual orientaiton of my friends have to do with anything and what fucking difference does it make what time *I* came home - *I* am not the teen here and I did not not bother to come home WTF???? I was livid - not only because my ex was being a total fucktard but because I *like* my landlord (and when I say like I mean would like to date my landlord), and while I'd never date ANYONE who was not gay-tolerant - it was none of my landlord's business and most certainly not my ex's place to discuss MY PRIVATE life...
I just can't believe this....
So I had absolutely NO SLEEP for 2 days - I was home sick yesterday - but went to teach my Yoga class (another ocuntry heard from - for a later post)- I was totally exhausted last night - got home and once agian my son was no where to be found, no note, no message - nothing - I went to sleep too eaxhausted at this point to care until around 9:30 PM when all of his friends decided to start calling at 10 minute intervals - by 10:30 my blood was boiling - by 11:30 my son was stillnot home - when he finally did come in (not long after 11:30 PM) with a different girl in tow - I quietly called down to him to come upstairs and then told him to send *this* girl home (I know this girl from his past - I like her enough but I was in no mood to have him enetertaining as Hugh Hefner, Jr. while I was trying to sleep) - he went down and told her she had to leave (at my request - and at this point I don't even give a fuck) and then he came upstairs - we talked more he stayed really calm - I ended up crying (just too much emotion not enough sleep) - I told him that he really had to start making a concerted effort to let me know where he was - we discussed getting him a cell phone - we are both going to have to work at this....and I hope we come up with a solution soon because I am wearing thin - too thin to keep dealing with all of this.
He's a good kid - he really is - but it's often the 'good kids' that get in the most trouble and I sometimes have visions of 'things' happening to him - awful things I can't even explain it at times...and perhaps it's merely my 'overactive' imagination - but it does not feel that way...
not at all....
posted by Colette at 6:21 PM
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