Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Allergic...to love

That's right NOT ADDICTED...

sorry *mumbles* inside joke

I am home today, miserable. I spent another sleepless friggin' night. My sinuses are killing me.

I am also extremely computer irritated. Was on line last night chatting with 3 seriously attractive and wonderful men (ah yes menage a quatre) and Yahoo IM kept crashing - I would type stuff they would not see it....

*laughs*

Typical communication problems amongst the sexes eh? (just kidding)Seriously though it is good to be talking to others and trying to help myself to understand all the complexities of what I am going through right now.

And it's not that I don't/can't/won't listen to my own heart song - not that at all - it's that sometimes talking to men about relationships with men gives us insight as women we are not usually privy to.

For instance. You meet someone and you start dating and you fall passionately, madly, deeply in love with them (really fucking fast) - you don't mean to do this - you've tried putting the breaks on but you just can't seem to help yourself (yes to Ken Y and to Mr. C - I get the Buddhist angle, thanks ever so much). Your heart is running the show. Sure your mind is on board - your body IS MOST assuredly on board (*blushes*) - but your heart is the Queen of all she surveys and she's not taking prisoners...well actually she IS taking prisoners - exactly 1 prisoner: YOU.

You feel helpless, not trapped, you are a pretty willing prisoner - you like the submissive thing (*wink*).

But wait, suddenly, your head decides it wants to take a starring role in 'Mutiny on the Bounty' and fuck up the entire thing. You think too much. You analyze too much. You read into things too much. You can't relax and trust the heart - she's led you astray before. Why trust her now?

Then there's the other angle - that of the general in the enemy camp. (OK bear with me guys - I am not calling men 'the enemy', but you know where this is coming from - don't look at me like that you view us the same way and you know it)- what's HIS angle? Sure he says he loves you and yeah you are pretty sure he does - but just how much? There are other subtle things at play too - you just can't always figure out where his head is at (not THAT one!) - you want to be sure his heart is in the right place - but is his head interfering the way YOURS is???

So there you have it...two people fall in love. Undoubtedly they DO NOT do this in the same way, nor at the same pace, nor with the same intensity. Now instead of wondering who's going to be the first to break down and say the words, once the words are uttered you sit there wondering just how much they mean....and yes we've compared notes with each other (see the 'we communicate with one another' posts).

"My life is brilliant, my love is pure"

My life IS brilliant, my love IS pure....

So is his. No really it is.

I don't fall in love with just any old git - well I did the last time but that doesn't count and I didn't think he was a git at the outset. This incredible man is most definitely NOT a git. In fact he is so far removed from 'git-ness' it's astounding. I want to take my 'head' out back and flog it for even daring to question this. This man is one of the best things to have ever come into my life - I am pretty sure as long as we keep talking things through everything will be OK.

I just have to get these scenarios down here and out of my mind where they have a tendency to linger AND fester. Goddess knows I don't need any festering wounds opening up.

*achoo*

(Listening to James Blunt: 'You're Beautiful')

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