Chopping down the cherry tree...

..and then owning up to it....

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You know…

I try – I really and truly try – to be a human. By that I mean I do my damnedest to be a good person, to be considerate, to be honest (even brutally so – cause I can’t stand being any other way)…some of you who are my friends know me – know how I am – hopefully I live up to my word as much as I can and hopefully you consider me a person of value in your life and if not, I hope you cut me loose like so much driftwood….

Sometimes, the way people act – just chaps my hide.

Let’s take my number one beef. Honesty. WTF is so hard about being honest? Can someone answer me? I am going to take this from a good friend of mine – and I am paraphrasing here. We are almost trained from an early age to turn our back on our inner voices. We are schooled in the ‘quick study’ – you have to have the answer now. We don’t listen to our inner voices, we don’t give things a whole helluva lot of thought and we grow impatient with others who do seem to mull things over. In school we are taught that we should think things through but then most kids are never really taught anything about introspection and/or problem solving. Where does that leave us in terms of each other? I will tell you. We give no more than cursory answers. People don’t get close to each other (not really unless you are bosom buddies/true friends and even then sometimes it’s all a façade) – we don’t ask the hard questions, we don’t give the tough answers. We dance/skate around the truth as if it’s a wild animal that once let out of its cage will somehow harm us and those around us...what a bunch of shit.

In Yoga, the #2 Yama (restraint – they are a lot like the 10 commandments) is: Satya which means: Do Not Lie. However all of the Yamas and Niyamas (Restraints and Observances) all have to go back to the very 1st Yama, which is Ahimsa, which means: Do not be violent/Do NO harm (towards anyone or anything) – therefore if you telling the truth is going to harm someone – you might want to watch how you do it...that is NOT to say don’t be honest – but there is honesty and then there is YOUR ‘idea’ of honesty, which may in fact just be your way of sabotaging relationships/friendships etc. For instance telling your girlfriend her hair looks awful...telling your husband/mate he/she is getting fat...you get the drift.

I am dealing with this on several levels of my life right now but I am going to mention one in particular.

For over 4 years now, I have been *THE* Yoga teacher at my place of work – I was the one who helped start the program, nurse the program, stay with the program as it fell apart and helped it rise from the ashes to rebuild all over again…I’ve done the program proud (I feel)...

So they hire a new Yoga teacher (I am WAY OK with this) – she has built up a bit of a reputation for herself, and good for her. Now in today’s paper there a big article about her and the Center for Integrative Medicine and HER and the Yoga program.

Um...OK

Look my ego can fit in the palm of my hand. But this just feels like a slap in the face. Telling me the DAY BEFORE this is coming out reeks of cowardice. To me honesty is more than just when confronted spilling the truth – it’s about telling someone the truth about how things are going, what is happening – you know keeping it real. I feel I had a right to know about this article WAY before yesterday. I also feel that *I* myself should have been asked to speak about the Center as well. Not because I want all the accolades but because I’d like to be recognized somewhat for my work and effort. I can share the spotlight/limelight but in all fairness I AM the one who kept this program going and did all the fighting so it could exist in the first place- I made professional enemies keeping Yoga in the forefront of this ‘good ole’ boys school’ here and I’d like a little (not big) pat on the back….and again I don’t begrudge this other teacher – she deserves this too – but she had nothing to do with this program until just recently.

To me this is yet another example of how we often don’t own up to our responsibilities, not just getting honest with others, but getting honest with ourselves.

When I talked to the girl/git who helped run this article – I did state that I felt hurt. She did understand – but she is forever making mistakes on my fliers, she is not aggressive enough with my program and, although I consider her a friend – I really want to ream her a new asshole about this cause ultimately this IS my business (my OTHER job) – but I don’t other than when I catch the mistakes pointing them out – NOW who’s NOT being honest. The only person to complain to is the Doctor running the program and part of me feels ‘catty’ about complaining...

But you know what...Yoga or not, I think it’s time to take the gloves off a little and start really speaking my truth…if I don’t, who will? And if not now, when? I deserve to reap the fruits of my hard work and I don’t want to have resentment built up inside of me cause I decided to be ‘nice’...

I believe this about ALL of us – about all of our decisions - we should not approach honesty and use it as a weapon – but by that same token – ignorance is NOT bliss – and better we should hurt someone a little at the outset then turn their entire world upside down by pretending it will all just go away when we bury our heads in the collective sands of our dead brains and fall prey to our silent mouths...