Delirium...Nearer the moon...

"..and he kissed me into Delirium..."

Making peace with the darkness. Finding fullness and quietude within the chaos. Knowing.

To go forward...

Him thanking me for being patient. Me saying I feared I hadn't been - him telling me otherwise...making my heart brim over...

Last night reading "Nearer the Moon" by Anais Nin (my heroine - the woman I long to write like - at times emulate)..

..to be 'Nearer the Moon' to be at one with the madness/passionate-ness of love. To be able to love, freely, to not turn away from the darkness, from the depth, from the possibility of failure, from the fear of success...

I find myself musing about Anais - whose writing is to me at times *MY* 'muse'. Is it possible that because she was a victim of incest that to her being able to love freely came more easily. As if there was never any question of having 'lovers'.
Not to suggest here the lesser of two evils scenario - perhaps she felt that it was natural - she felt at least the notion of having lovers was more 'normal' than having sex with your father. Yet still, she tortured herself for her 'affaires du coeur' - she would write in her diaries about agonizing over her decisions. She was ahead of her time. Or perhaps for those of a more judgmental stance, merely a 'loose woman'. Her answer to keeping jealousy at bay (that of her lovers' wives/GF and her OWN jealousies - was to make the woman ALSO at times a lover (June - Henry Miller's wife)) - I am amazed at her brutality and her honesty.

How ironic that I am haunted by 'HER' (not Anais but my own nemesis) words: 'They don't let you love enough here'. No, my dear, darling slut - THEY don't. Ah, to truly be able to explore, without fear of repercussions, being able to give yourself over to the madness of love, of temptation, of lust...to in fact BE 'Nearer the Moon'.

I wonder about myself - will I ever be able to be that free? Will I ever be able to be with someone who truly 'gets me'? Will I find that companion that wants to plot that moonscape by my side. Will both of us be able to be that brave?