Days of Future Passed
(Listening to: Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness: Zero '...and God is empty just like me')
(October is here - it is a beautiful, crisp day outside. I am doing my monthly repost/recollection from last October - the first piece is long and painful - last year at this time I WAS going through a lot of pain and self-induced introspection that caused more pain - note the links I had put with this post might be broken)
The ties that bind...
...us to each other, are sometimes the hardest ones to bear....
The reason why I decided to even write about this was because of this piece (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9593427/) done on 'The Today Show' on NBC . My daughter struggled with this issue.
So I decided to write about my daughter and our relationship and it's many trials and tribulations. I've been hesitant to air this but it's been sitting inside my head and my heart for a long time now and I think it needs some light and some fresh air.
*******************
I have a daughter. I really don't talk much about her - except in terms of her being a new mom (and now pregnant yet again with her third child - YES ANOTHER KID).
I was living in Houston when I found out I was pregnant with my first born. I can tell you the exact time she was conceived (Valentine's Day/Night). When her dad found out he did not want me to go through with the pregnancy. I fought him about this and won the fight, but in many ways I lost the fight too.
He began to turn abusive when I was about 5 months along (I did not know at the time he was sick with a rare kidney disease). He seemed angry all the time and it was stressful. I had not been getting very good prenatal care; I had protein in my urine, I had high blood pressure, and I was not healthy. 8 months into my pregnancy, her dad and I got into a fight about cleaning the carpets before she arrived and he beat the hell out of me; I am lucky I was able to carry her to term...
When I finally did go into labour with her, it lasted for 48 hours (it was dry labour - my water had broke and I did not even realize it because I was going to the bathroom at the time and I remember thinking 'Gee I am really peeing for an awful long time'). Because I was having a hard time with labour and delivery and because, according to fetal monitoring, she was under stress and having a hard time as well - she was a forceps delivery.
He was not with me during labour (we were not married and they would not let him in with me). In fact, no one was in with me because I had no relatives living in Houston and the hospital would not let friends into the room with me. I was alone for the entire delivery. I was screamed at by the nurses, and actually made fun of as well. It was horrid.
She entered the world screaming. I was too tired to even care. They brought her to me almost immediately. She was to stay in my room round the clock; I never got a break from all the hours of labour and delivery. No sleep - because she was screaming all the time, and nothing I did seemed to calm her.
We brought her home. She was a long baby and she had a long neck and she looked like ET (yes ET from the Spielberg movie), but she changed and turned lovely. She had colic though - colic so bad that I did not sleep once I got home either - not at all. He was absolutely no help; I don't know why I thought it would be any different. For three months it seemed, I was unable to get a decent nights sleep. She would wail and scream and nothing would help her. I spoke to a pediatrician who told me colic was an old wives tale and basically I was full of it...at one point it got so bad I had to physically leave the house because I knew I'd end up throwing her against a wall; I was in serious trouble. His cousins lived nearby and they tried to help but in the end it was she and I alone, trying to survive.
Eventually she outgrew the colic and became a normal baby. She was cute, although she did not talk a whole lot but she tried walking pretty early. Unfortunately things between her dad and I got worse. Mainly because he was sick and was not getting help. We would have some pretty bad fights, and, at one point he threw something at me when I was holding her. I knew it was time to get out, but I did not have anywhere to go.
We had moved out of our former apartment complex, which for all intents and purposes was in the barrio in Houston - it was dangerous - especially since I was alone most night since he worked a 3rd shift job in a Porn shop. We got a much nicer apartment but it meant me having to go to work. I really wanted someone to watch her during the day but he reasoned we could not afford this and that he would watch her. I told him since he worked all night I was worried he'd be too tired to keep an eye on an active baby - but he won that argument too - I was beginning to be afraid of him.
I would get up at 4 A.M. to go to work. Our downstairs neighbour got me a job in a bindery for one of the city papers. One afternoon as we got home, there was a group of people outside my apartment door and the wife of the neighbour who got me the job, as well as out apartment manager. It seemed that he had fallen asleep so hard he did not hear our daughter screaming; she had been up and crying since 10 A.M. that morning - it was now 2:30 in the afternoon - he was dead to the world on the couch - my daughter was trembling, scared, almost at the point of hyperventilation from crying so hard. She was so upset she nearly did not recognize me. The excitement abated once I got home and we tried to wake him up - and he did wake up very groggy - discombobulated. The nosy neighbours left, except my downstairs neighbor, she asked me to come downstairs and talk I went begrudgingly; she basically told me that unless I left him she would make sure to have social services take my daughter away - I knew she meant it (this from a woman who was cooking meth in her bathroom and was into drugs big time)- but I could not risk it. The very next day I left him and moved downstairs. Sometime after that, I met the man I was going to marry, have my son with and who would become my daughter step-father and in my heart her true dad.
As I have indicated my daughter's father passed away from a rare kidney disease. My daughter was only 6 years old when he died, and it hit her really hard.
Around the age of 10 years old, sometime after her dad had passed and years after I was remarried, my daughter began acting out. It started with little things, problem in school, problems with the kids in school (she had practically no friends), and constant moodiness. It moved to bigger things, she would steal from my purse - once she took my bike to school and never let me know and we then had a really embarrassing moment at the school because she had locked up my bike with my lock but did not know the combination...she was always lying about things. She was having problems in school. We took her to a counselor who basically told me that she felt the problem with my daughter was that she was a brat (I am not kidding you). We were seen as a family too; I was told my husband was trying to be a Q/A manager to the family instead of being a dad and husband. Looking back I feel there was a bit of one-upmanship going on between the Dr. and my husband.
When my husband and I separated, my daughter came to live with me, her ½ brother stayed with his dad...we still saw each other all the time but it just wasn't the same. I put my daughter in a school system she really wanted to go to. I had a new man in my life - she didn't like him. When he and I had problems she internalized all of it. Things got worse between us and his depression started spiraling out of control. To get her away from all of this we moved to Lakewood, OH. This was her idea as well (her cousin lived in Lakewood). I thought all would be good until she began really having problems in school (and again it seemed my daughter's social skills and interpersonal skills were sorely lacking - I mean it couldn't keep being that EVERY school she went to the kids didn't like her - could it?) I felt bad because I too was the brunt of a lot of torture (being a nerd and all) so I totally understood; but how do you make friends FOR your kids??? I felt she'd have to work it out somehow on her own...that was until she began to get death threats and finally came home bruised one day and I had to file charges against the kids who beat her and threaten to sue the school. She decided one weekend to run away - we were beside ourselves with fear - thank Goddess she came up safe and she told us it was because of school - she did not tell us it was because she was unhappy with me as well. Needless to say I had to move again. It was also around this time that I found out my daughter was 'cutting'. To this day I will never be able to understand someone's motivation for harming themselves in such a fashion; but she told me one day how it felt and perhaps now I can understand it more than I did then. She told me she felt she was in a black hole, surrounded by darkness, sobbing and telling me: "It's so dark inside of me Mom!" to this day it makes me cry; but somehow we just weren't connecting; she just would not let me in; she was so frightened and probably did not feel safe talking to me. I immediately got her into counseling - I was frightened for her. The counselor was very helpful and reassured me that my daughter would be OK. Now I realise she meant physically. Mentally and behaviourally she was out of control. She was cuttingschooll - she was running with kids that sheshouldd not have been with - she cause a lot of problems in our house.
At the age of 18 years old she was only a junior in school. She was suppose to go for the summer to her paternal grandmother's house in West VA. She wanted to go out the night before she left and I let her. She never came home. She never got on the bus to go to West VA. For 36 hours she was missing. The local police would not do anything because she was 18 years old. I was beside myself.Finallyy I got a call from hersayingn 'Hey Mom I heard you were looking for me...what do you want' - really snotty. I asked her where she was she told me it was none of my business. She told me she wanted a night out with friends and she was 18 now and things were going to change. I saw red. I said 'You are damn well straight they are. You get your ass home right now and get your stuff because otherwise it's going out on the tree-lawn - I havehadd it! And, if you think you are going to live your life this way under MY roof in my house you are sadly mistaken. I want my keys back and if you think you can live better out there on your own go for it.' She showed up with the son of the former Governor of the State of Ohio - she was hanging with him (he was 23 yrs old at that time - oh and I had a great conversation with his mother)...so, in essence I kicked my daughter out of my house. I just could not take it anymore.
She hung with that young man for about a week and he dumped her on her girlfriend. Around this same time she was hanging out with a young man she would end up marrying. They decided to move in together. He seemed to be a good influence on her. They ended up in an apartment right up the street from me - and we barely saw each other things between us were just too strained.
About 1/2 a year into their relationship she took off on him too (no apparently it was not me causing her to run away from her own life) - what she did was pretty sordid and I am going to bow out on reporting it. Suffice it to say she needed rescuing and he went and rescued her. To that end I owe this young man quite a lot.
They are married now. For a while they lived with his parents. They are up in Michigan and they have two beautiful children (and now one on the way). He is a pretty intense fundamentalist Christian and when I say that I mean that it is somewhat cultish - kind of scary - and of course, my daughter follows him blindly. I don't mean to knock 'Christianity' but this is a form of it I have never seen and simply can not agree with (it's just too bizarre - way too archaic for me) if you want to check it out you can go to this website (http://www.drdino.com/) .
Perhaps they will 'outgrow' this - perhaps they will create a compound somewhere in a sparselypopulatedd area, and, perhaps because I won't buy into their side of things, I won't get to see my grandchildren and obviously I don't want that to happen. What DOES go on now between us is a sort of dance, with me being very delicate and trying to curb my tongue and accept her choices because I don't want to ultimately lose her (and I never did) - I've come to realise over the years though that sometimes you just don't get a say in things, even when those 'things' involve your kids. I just hope and pray that they all live happily ever after....or at least if I have to go 'rescue' her from her own decisions that the 'real' God will be on our side.
******
(This one was from when I watched my ex's place when his father died. It was when I found out that not only had he cheated on me withwomenn - he had cheated on me with men)
The kindness of strangers
Never ceases to amaze me - and I've written about it before.
I am also amazed that people resonate with what I write - I am constantly amazed by this phenomenon. And it's not that I am arrogant enough (or stupid enough) to think that I am the ONLY one experiencing what I experience. But I am humbled when people decide to leave me comments about their own experiences because I struck a chord in them. Di - Thank you - I encourage you to write your feelings down it helps a lot (well at least it helps me). Liam, (and by extension Sid), I love you both I could not ask for a better friends.
*********
So I've been on what Mr. C calls the 'divorce diet' once again not really eating (the way I should) - I nibble here and there and then feel sick. I've been sleeping somewhat but it's fitful. I've been holding this in and I want to explode.
HE calls me. He talks to me, asks about the cats, tells me how sad he's been, tells me about the storm brewing out in the Gulf, ready to hit Florida (I am praying it sweeps him up and carries him out to sea - but that'd be too good for him <*weak smile*> )
Our conversations go something like this:
Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: How are you? How are the cats?
Me: OK
(long dead silence)
Him: Yeah, it's been hard down here.I wish you were here
Me: {more silence}
Him: C, I miss you - this has got me convinced even more I need to make things work between us
Me: uh huh
Him: What's wrong? You seem distant
Me: {thinking to myself - you mean I am not being 'friendly' enough}
Him: C???? You there?
Me: uh huh
Him: {more urgent} what's wrong??? I am NOT doing anything wrong down here if that's what your thinking {he's a bit upset now - well more so at least - he was already upset}
Me: uh huh
Him: C- talk to me! Tell me what's wrong.
Me: Look this isn't the time nor the place. You are still burying your father. Take care of things there - be with your mom - don't worry about me.
Him: {easily distracted} Yeah we've been doing a lot of cleaning and getting his things in order.
Me: Yeah OK. Well give your mom my best...talk to you later.
{end}
This went on for a couple of days - mainly I just acted numb on the phone - now some of you who have spoken to me know how I am on the phone (animated, chatty (it's sort of like 'please for Goddess sake shut the hell up C' kind of experience - or sometimes - like with Ken Y, I am nervous...)
Thursday, he kept pushing me to talk. Finally, I went absolutely ape-shit on him - I was crying, shaking, furious. He told me he was only doing stuff on the Internet 'as fun' that he actually had not done anything ACTUALLY. I was floored. I asked him if he expected me to believe him - he mumbled no...I went on to ask him why he felt it was OK to do things like this. I asked him why he felt it was preferable to lie to total strangers instead of telling me the truth. He said he didn't know. I drew in a sharp breath and told him I was done - totally done with him...I told him I could no longer deal with him in any shape or form (not even as a friend) because I hate liars and as long as I feel that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie then I simply could not do this anymore. I told him I did not think for one minute he was just doing this on the internet to 'fuck' with people and if he was well he was more evil than I ever thought he could be. I told him he was delusional, pathological, and needed to be committed to an asylum. He's a big-time comic book geek, and I actually asked him if he thought Superman would be proud of him being such a low life (geez I am such an idiot).
I told him to stay in Florida, help his mom and start his life down there. I told him not to come back if he felt at all he was coming back to anything with me. He was really upset too and he kept apologizing over and over telling me he did not mean to do these things - that he was lonely. He said he wanted a commitment from me - again I was flabbergasted by this A COMMITMENT!!!!! I asked him what he thought he had done to our PREVIOUS commitment - answering for him - he trashed it - and I told him I could not commit myself to a liar and I never would. Again I re-iterated I had had it. I told him if he didn't leave me alone I'd make sure someone would pound it into his skull - literally
*sigh*
Sometimes when I think back - feeling my way over the past - like it's a roadmap; it's littered with the landmines of arguments and feelings pushed down to the point of bitterness - I wonder about my own sins. What did *I* do to deserve this - what karmic payback is due me for my own bad deeds. What I put here on this blog is so one-sided. It takes two people to make a relationship (and to break it) - maybe I didn't love him well enough? I don't know. I know I can't keep putting myself through the wringer anymore over the things he's never going to amount to as well as the things I am simply not willing to accept in my life anymore.
It's just time to move on for good and stop kidding myself that I could try to remain friends with someone like him. You have to like your friends. I'd never befriend someone I thought was a liar and a cheat. It's not that I think I'm better than them...it's that I don't want to associate with those kind of people (to me they are the criminals of the emotional landscape).
I work things out, turning them over slowly in my mind - like a rat in a maze trying to find my way out - I just don't want to be so totally poisoned by all of this - I really have to try to find some sort of peace with all of this crap.
Somehow...someday....
(October is here - it is a beautiful, crisp day outside. I am doing my monthly repost/recollection from last October - the first piece is long and painful - last year at this time I WAS going through a lot of pain and self-induced introspection that caused more pain - note the links I had put with this post might be broken)
The ties that bind...
...us to each other, are sometimes the hardest ones to bear....
The reason why I decided to even write about this was because of this piece (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9593427/) done on 'The Today Show' on NBC . My daughter struggled with this issue.
So I decided to write about my daughter and our relationship and it's many trials and tribulations. I've been hesitant to air this but it's been sitting inside my head and my heart for a long time now and I think it needs some light and some fresh air.
*******************
I have a daughter. I really don't talk much about her - except in terms of her being a new mom (and now pregnant yet again with her third child - YES ANOTHER KID).
I was living in Houston when I found out I was pregnant with my first born. I can tell you the exact time she was conceived (Valentine's Day/Night). When her dad found out he did not want me to go through with the pregnancy. I fought him about this and won the fight, but in many ways I lost the fight too.
He began to turn abusive when I was about 5 months along (I did not know at the time he was sick with a rare kidney disease). He seemed angry all the time and it was stressful. I had not been getting very good prenatal care; I had protein in my urine, I had high blood pressure, and I was not healthy. 8 months into my pregnancy, her dad and I got into a fight about cleaning the carpets before she arrived and he beat the hell out of me; I am lucky I was able to carry her to term...
When I finally did go into labour with her, it lasted for 48 hours (it was dry labour - my water had broke and I did not even realize it because I was going to the bathroom at the time and I remember thinking 'Gee I am really peeing for an awful long time'). Because I was having a hard time with labour and delivery and because, according to fetal monitoring, she was under stress and having a hard time as well - she was a forceps delivery.
He was not with me during labour (we were not married and they would not let him in with me). In fact, no one was in with me because I had no relatives living in Houston and the hospital would not let friends into the room with me. I was alone for the entire delivery. I was screamed at by the nurses, and actually made fun of as well. It was horrid.
She entered the world screaming. I was too tired to even care. They brought her to me almost immediately. She was to stay in my room round the clock; I never got a break from all the hours of labour and delivery. No sleep - because she was screaming all the time, and nothing I did seemed to calm her.
We brought her home. She was a long baby and she had a long neck and she looked like ET (yes ET from the Spielberg movie), but she changed and turned lovely. She had colic though - colic so bad that I did not sleep once I got home either - not at all. He was absolutely no help; I don't know why I thought it would be any different. For three months it seemed, I was unable to get a decent nights sleep. She would wail and scream and nothing would help her. I spoke to a pediatrician who told me colic was an old wives tale and basically I was full of it...at one point it got so bad I had to physically leave the house because I knew I'd end up throwing her against a wall; I was in serious trouble. His cousins lived nearby and they tried to help but in the end it was she and I alone, trying to survive.
Eventually she outgrew the colic and became a normal baby. She was cute, although she did not talk a whole lot but she tried walking pretty early. Unfortunately things between her dad and I got worse. Mainly because he was sick and was not getting help. We would have some pretty bad fights, and, at one point he threw something at me when I was holding her. I knew it was time to get out, but I did not have anywhere to go.
We had moved out of our former apartment complex, which for all intents and purposes was in the barrio in Houston - it was dangerous - especially since I was alone most night since he worked a 3rd shift job in a Porn shop. We got a much nicer apartment but it meant me having to go to work. I really wanted someone to watch her during the day but he reasoned we could not afford this and that he would watch her. I told him since he worked all night I was worried he'd be too tired to keep an eye on an active baby - but he won that argument too - I was beginning to be afraid of him.
I would get up at 4 A.M. to go to work. Our downstairs neighbour got me a job in a bindery for one of the city papers. One afternoon as we got home, there was a group of people outside my apartment door and the wife of the neighbour who got me the job, as well as out apartment manager. It seemed that he had fallen asleep so hard he did not hear our daughter screaming; she had been up and crying since 10 A.M. that morning - it was now 2:30 in the afternoon - he was dead to the world on the couch - my daughter was trembling, scared, almost at the point of hyperventilation from crying so hard. She was so upset she nearly did not recognize me. The excitement abated once I got home and we tried to wake him up - and he did wake up very groggy - discombobulated. The nosy neighbours left, except my downstairs neighbor, she asked me to come downstairs and talk I went begrudgingly; she basically told me that unless I left him she would make sure to have social services take my daughter away - I knew she meant it (this from a woman who was cooking meth in her bathroom and was into drugs big time)- but I could not risk it. The very next day I left him and moved downstairs. Sometime after that, I met the man I was going to marry, have my son with and who would become my daughter step-father and in my heart her true dad.
As I have indicated my daughter's father passed away from a rare kidney disease. My daughter was only 6 years old when he died, and it hit her really hard.
Around the age of 10 years old, sometime after her dad had passed and years after I was remarried, my daughter began acting out. It started with little things, problem in school, problems with the kids in school (she had practically no friends), and constant moodiness. It moved to bigger things, she would steal from my purse - once she took my bike to school and never let me know and we then had a really embarrassing moment at the school because she had locked up my bike with my lock but did not know the combination...she was always lying about things. She was having problems in school. We took her to a counselor who basically told me that she felt the problem with my daughter was that she was a brat (I am not kidding you). We were seen as a family too; I was told my husband was trying to be a Q/A manager to the family instead of being a dad and husband. Looking back I feel there was a bit of one-upmanship going on between the Dr. and my husband.
When my husband and I separated, my daughter came to live with me, her ½ brother stayed with his dad...we still saw each other all the time but it just wasn't the same. I put my daughter in a school system she really wanted to go to. I had a new man in my life - she didn't like him. When he and I had problems she internalized all of it. Things got worse between us and his depression started spiraling out of control. To get her away from all of this we moved to Lakewood, OH. This was her idea as well (her cousin lived in Lakewood). I thought all would be good until she began really having problems in school (and again it seemed my daughter's social skills and interpersonal skills were sorely lacking - I mean it couldn't keep being that EVERY school she went to the kids didn't like her - could it?) I felt bad because I too was the brunt of a lot of torture (being a nerd and all) so I totally understood; but how do you make friends FOR your kids??? I felt she'd have to work it out somehow on her own...that was until she began to get death threats and finally came home bruised one day and I had to file charges against the kids who beat her and threaten to sue the school. She decided one weekend to run away - we were beside ourselves with fear - thank Goddess she came up safe and she told us it was because of school - she did not tell us it was because she was unhappy with me as well. Needless to say I had to move again. It was also around this time that I found out my daughter was 'cutting'. To this day I will never be able to understand someone's motivation for harming themselves in such a fashion; but she told me one day how it felt and perhaps now I can understand it more than I did then. She told me she felt she was in a black hole, surrounded by darkness, sobbing and telling me: "It's so dark inside of me Mom!" to this day it makes me cry; but somehow we just weren't connecting; she just would not let me in; she was so frightened and probably did not feel safe talking to me. I immediately got her into counseling - I was frightened for her. The counselor was very helpful and reassured me that my daughter would be OK. Now I realise she meant physically. Mentally and behaviourally she was out of control. She was cuttingschooll - she was running with kids that sheshouldd not have been with - she cause a lot of problems in our house.
At the age of 18 years old she was only a junior in school. She was suppose to go for the summer to her paternal grandmother's house in West VA. She wanted to go out the night before she left and I let her. She never came home. She never got on the bus to go to West VA. For 36 hours she was missing. The local police would not do anything because she was 18 years old. I was beside myself.Finallyy I got a call from hersayingn 'Hey Mom I heard you were looking for me...what do you want' - really snotty. I asked her where she was she told me it was none of my business. She told me she wanted a night out with friends and she was 18 now and things were going to change. I saw red. I said 'You are damn well straight they are. You get your ass home right now and get your stuff because otherwise it's going out on the tree-lawn - I havehadd it! And, if you think you are going to live your life this way under MY roof in my house you are sadly mistaken. I want my keys back and if you think you can live better out there on your own go for it.' She showed up with the son of the former Governor of the State of Ohio - she was hanging with him (he was 23 yrs old at that time - oh and I had a great conversation with his mother)...so, in essence I kicked my daughter out of my house. I just could not take it anymore.
She hung with that young man for about a week and he dumped her on her girlfriend. Around this same time she was hanging out with a young man she would end up marrying. They decided to move in together. He seemed to be a good influence on her. They ended up in an apartment right up the street from me - and we barely saw each other things between us were just too strained.
About 1/2 a year into their relationship she took off on him too (no apparently it was not me causing her to run away from her own life) - what she did was pretty sordid and I am going to bow out on reporting it. Suffice it to say she needed rescuing and he went and rescued her. To that end I owe this young man quite a lot.
They are married now. For a while they lived with his parents. They are up in Michigan and they have two beautiful children (and now one on the way). He is a pretty intense fundamentalist Christian and when I say that I mean that it is somewhat cultish - kind of scary - and of course, my daughter follows him blindly. I don't mean to knock 'Christianity' but this is a form of it I have never seen and simply can not agree with (it's just too bizarre - way too archaic for me) if you want to check it out you can go to this website (http://www.drdino.com/) .
Perhaps they will 'outgrow' this - perhaps they will create a compound somewhere in a sparselypopulatedd area, and, perhaps because I won't buy into their side of things, I won't get to see my grandchildren and obviously I don't want that to happen. What DOES go on now between us is a sort of dance, with me being very delicate and trying to curb my tongue and accept her choices because I don't want to ultimately lose her (and I never did) - I've come to realise over the years though that sometimes you just don't get a say in things, even when those 'things' involve your kids. I just hope and pray that they all live happily ever after....or at least if I have to go 'rescue' her from her own decisions that the 'real' God will be on our side.
******
(This one was from when I watched my ex's place when his father died. It was when I found out that not only had he cheated on me withwomenn - he had cheated on me with men)
The kindness of strangers
Never ceases to amaze me - and I've written about it before.
I am also amazed that people resonate with what I write - I am constantly amazed by this phenomenon. And it's not that I am arrogant enough (or stupid enough) to think that I am the ONLY one experiencing what I experience. But I am humbled when people decide to leave me comments about their own experiences because I struck a chord in them. Di - Thank you - I encourage you to write your feelings down it helps a lot (well at least it helps me). Liam, (and by extension Sid), I love you both I could not ask for a better friends.
*********
So I've been on what Mr. C calls the 'divorce diet' once again not really eating (the way I should) - I nibble here and there and then feel sick. I've been sleeping somewhat but it's fitful. I've been holding this in and I want to explode.
HE calls me. He talks to me, asks about the cats, tells me how sad he's been, tells me about the storm brewing out in the Gulf, ready to hit Florida (I am praying it sweeps him up and carries him out to sea - but that'd be too good for him <*weak smile*> )
Our conversations go something like this:
Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: How are you? How are the cats?
Me: OK
(long dead silence)
Him: Yeah, it's been hard down here.I wish you were here
Me: {more silence}
Him: C, I miss you - this has got me convinced even more I need to make things work between us
Me: uh huh
Him: What's wrong? You seem distant
Me: {thinking to myself - you mean I am not being 'friendly' enough}
Him: C???? You there?
Me: uh huh
Him: {more urgent} what's wrong??? I am NOT doing anything wrong down here if that's what your thinking {he's a bit upset now - well more so at least - he was already upset}
Me: uh huh
Him: C- talk to me! Tell me what's wrong.
Me: Look this isn't the time nor the place. You are still burying your father. Take care of things there - be with your mom - don't worry about me.
Him: {easily distracted} Yeah we've been doing a lot of cleaning and getting his things in order.
Me: Yeah OK. Well give your mom my best...talk to you later.
{end}
This went on for a couple of days - mainly I just acted numb on the phone - now some of you who have spoken to me know how I am on the phone (animated, chatty (it's sort of like 'please for Goddess sake shut the hell up C' kind of experience - or sometimes - like with Ken Y, I am nervous...)
Thursday, he kept pushing me to talk. Finally, I went absolutely ape-shit on him - I was crying, shaking, furious. He told me he was only doing stuff on the Internet 'as fun' that he actually had not done anything ACTUALLY. I was floored. I asked him if he expected me to believe him - he mumbled no...I went on to ask him why he felt it was OK to do things like this. I asked him why he felt it was preferable to lie to total strangers instead of telling me the truth. He said he didn't know. I drew in a sharp breath and told him I was done - totally done with him...I told him I could no longer deal with him in any shape or form (not even as a friend) because I hate liars and as long as I feel that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie then I simply could not do this anymore. I told him I did not think for one minute he was just doing this on the internet to 'fuck' with people and if he was well he was more evil than I ever thought he could be. I told him he was delusional, pathological, and needed to be committed to an asylum. He's a big-time comic book geek, and I actually asked him if he thought Superman would be proud of him being such a low life (geez I am such an idiot).
I told him to stay in Florida, help his mom and start his life down there. I told him not to come back if he felt at all he was coming back to anything with me. He was really upset too and he kept apologizing over and over telling me he did not mean to do these things - that he was lonely. He said he wanted a commitment from me - again I was flabbergasted by this A COMMITMENT!!!!! I asked him what he thought he had done to our PREVIOUS commitment - answering for him - he trashed it - and I told him I could not commit myself to a liar and I never would. Again I re-iterated I had had it. I told him if he didn't leave me alone I'd make sure someone would pound it into his skull - literally
*sigh*
Sometimes when I think back - feeling my way over the past - like it's a roadmap; it's littered with the landmines of arguments and feelings pushed down to the point of bitterness - I wonder about my own sins. What did *I* do to deserve this - what karmic payback is due me for my own bad deeds. What I put here on this blog is so one-sided. It takes two people to make a relationship (and to break it) - maybe I didn't love him well enough? I don't know. I know I can't keep putting myself through the wringer anymore over the things he's never going to amount to as well as the things I am simply not willing to accept in my life anymore.
It's just time to move on for good and stop kidding myself that I could try to remain friends with someone like him. You have to like your friends. I'd never befriend someone I thought was a liar and a cheat. It's not that I think I'm better than them...it's that I don't want to associate with those kind of people (to me they are the criminals of the emotional landscape).
I work things out, turning them over slowly in my mind - like a rat in a maze trying to find my way out - I just don't want to be so totally poisoned by all of this - I really have to try to find some sort of peace with all of this crap.
Somehow...someday....
posted by Colette at 11:35 AM
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