Full Moon, Empty Arms

(Listening to: Boards of Canada: Music Has the Right to Children - 'Rue the Whirl')

Last night was strange. There was a full moon and I felt it's magnet pull and I wanted to be out under the moon being held, being loved....the pull was SO strong...

I felt disconcerted though...

Empty, and strange...pulled in so many directions...struggling....

There's a lot going on...

Did some cleaning. Went to bed - slept until 10-ish WOW - I haven't done that in weeks. Felt weird. Groggy. Got up made coffee. Cleaned more. Contemplated writing and here I am - struggling.

Last night I got to see my dearest friend, Linda - she is in from NYC visiting because her daughter just had twin girls. So I spent the evening helping them take care of these tiny new beings. Fragile and beautiful. Struggling themselves to adjust to their new lives, new surroundings - just as Linda's daughter was discovering all their aspects/nuances/needs....

Today I have a wedding to go to - my landlord's daughter is getting married. It should be a wonderful time. I wish Erin was going instead of me going alone. I hate going to weddings alone (I don't hate weddings anymore - but I don't like going alone). I want to get drunk (how very irresponsible of me) still...I feel like doing it anyway. Not to drown my sorrow but maybe to just have that feeling - that totally relaxed sort of drifty feeling....

The wedding and reception is taking place at a country club. Perhaps I will go out and wander outside under the now waning/less full moon. Struggling.