'Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans'
( Note: This is posted in my 'other' journal too - but I thought I'd better put it here)
Chasing dreams...settling for reality and an oasis amidst the barren desert of life...
**********
Before I met my love, I was pretty convinced that 'love' was not going to come into my life anymore. I mean I knew I'd always have lovers, I knew I'd probably fall in love again. But the 'lightning bolt', the 'one-and-only', the 'I-can't-think-of-my-life-without-him-in-it' shit was pretty much done for me.
I met Erin and though I was not struck by lightning, there was a definite chemistry and electricity...OK - fair enough - so what?? (not to be cruel but you get kind of jaded.)
As our relationship progressed and I began to discover more and more about him and the 'kind' of man he is, I came to the realisation that this man was an incredible gift and that somehow (whether by divine intervention or kismet), I was falling inexorably in love with him. That I had better hang on – he was a ‘keeper’ (*inward groan* – I hate that fucking term)….
Again so what? (OK just bear with me damn it). I mean so I loved him. What about him? I’ve had one-sided love before. Yes I knew he really cared about me – but as deeply – as profoundly as I felt towards him?? I wasn’t really sure. Erin is a complex guy. He plays his cards very close to his vest at times – so sometimes he can be hard to read.
Take into account our ‘issues’: I am 11 years older. He has little kids. We both have a less-than-perfect track record when it comes to relationships. I have a very ‘messed-up’ life in some ways, and I’ve had a lot of stuff ‘happen’ to me that might scare some guys away. He’s got some tendencies that scare me a little. Some of the ‘issues’/factors are potential deal breakers….on both sides of the relationship ‘fence’.
Yet, there were/are so many incredibly wonderful aspects, we seemed/seem to connect so deeply, that I think we both felt the need to somehow ‘push through’/to make this work…
I get scared. I get frightened. Not OF love. Not OF Erin. But of the idea that this could end horribly, that the bottom could fall out, that he could change his mind – I am not trying to borrow trouble here – these are real fears, real trepidation – it’s almost at an ‘anxiety attack’ level. I feel like I am ‘dreaming’ that this can’t be happening to me. How could he like ‘ME’?!?!?!?!? HIM?!?!?!?!? WTF?????
I’ve always been restless (ALWAYS). I have always loved traveling/exploring. So before Erin entered, stage right, I had been SERIOUSLY thinking about (and applying for) Yoga teaching positions overseas; notably, in Asia and Costa Rica. I figured my son was grown, my daughter was busy with her own family, there was nothing ‘tying’ me to Cleveland. I had other options as well. I could move to NYC and live with my friend Linda,– or just simply up and leaving and finding that ‘seedy’, tiny, cramped apartment in Paris and writing a book and becoming a Parisienne. These thoughts are still in my head – they present themselves and I begin to wonder what I should do….
Recently, I’ve begun to realise just how serious this relationship is getting – perhaps that’s helped to fuel the feeding frenzy of the fear. Erin would say something, talk about the (I guess ‘our’) future – in terms of permanency – and I’d panic a bit – or wonder WTF, where is he going with this? Is he just musing out loud? Is this a test (of the emergency broadcast system)? Do I run now? WTF? Is he serious?
Add to this the drama of the various relationships in my life (honed to a razor edge by the impending holidays) – and you have a very nervous me.
It’s not a matter of ‘running away’. It’s a matter of knowing which path to take when you come to a fork in the road. It’s knowing yourself and making sure that you are being just as honest with yourself (as your partner). It’s trying to ‘figure out’ where they are – ultimately. No, there are no guarantees. But if this wasn’t going to develop into anything serious why would/should I stay here? Oh sure stability is a nice thing – retirement and all that happy bullshit – but you know I just don’t much think that working myself to exhaustion until I am in my 70s sounds like all that much fun when I could possibly be somewhere exotic, living for next to nothing, and actually enjoying my work/life.
I don’t trust people who tell me they are oh-so-sure of their path. I don’t trust that things don’t change – life is about impermanency – how can your really, truly KNOW – you can’t. Someone who is ever so sure of exactly where they are going to be in 5 years to me is either anal or lying – relationships should not (IMO) be on some ‘5-year-plan’. But plan we do – people don’t seem to want to ‘live on the edge’ or with spontaneity unless they are in their 20s. Rightly so, if you have kids or other responsibilities – but I have none of this (not anymore) – other than getting my son through 2 years of college right now…and that can be handled by his dad as well…
So here I am – at a crossroads of sorts. I talk about this with Erin (I think I freaked him out a bit – well duh). In the end what it comes to is this:
I love this man with all my heart/body/mind/soul. I love him more than I think I’ve loved anyone in years. This IS hands down the most healthy relationship I’ve had (to this point in my life). I don’t want to go anywhere if it means leaving him. I want him in my life. I want him by my side. I want to be by his side. I want to be his help-mate, his partner, his refuge from the weary world (well with God’s help). I want to grow old with him (well older LOL). I want to be around him, learn with him, and discover new possibilities and worlds with him. I want to be around his children – I want to be a part of their lives (if that’s OK with him and their mom too). I want to make mad passionate love with/to him (forever), I want to wake up in the morning and see him smiling down at me, and make love again. I want to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with him. I want to have holidays/anniversaries with him, I want to travel with him, I actually want to make plans and dream with him….and if I am lucky, he might want to do all of this with me…
Could *I* be *THAT* lucky?
Chasing dreams...settling for reality and an oasis amidst the barren desert of life...
**********
Before I met my love, I was pretty convinced that 'love' was not going to come into my life anymore. I mean I knew I'd always have lovers, I knew I'd probably fall in love again. But the 'lightning bolt', the 'one-and-only', the 'I-can't-think-of-my-life-without-him-in-it' shit was pretty much done for me.
I met Erin and though I was not struck by lightning, there was a definite chemistry and electricity...OK - fair enough - so what?? (not to be cruel but you get kind of jaded.)
As our relationship progressed and I began to discover more and more about him and the 'kind' of man he is, I came to the realisation that this man was an incredible gift and that somehow (whether by divine intervention or kismet), I was falling inexorably in love with him. That I had better hang on – he was a ‘keeper’ (*inward groan* – I hate that fucking term)….
Again so what? (OK just bear with me damn it). I mean so I loved him. What about him? I’ve had one-sided love before. Yes I knew he really cared about me – but as deeply – as profoundly as I felt towards him?? I wasn’t really sure. Erin is a complex guy. He plays his cards very close to his vest at times – so sometimes he can be hard to read.
Take into account our ‘issues’: I am 11 years older. He has little kids. We both have a less-than-perfect track record when it comes to relationships. I have a very ‘messed-up’ life in some ways, and I’ve had a lot of stuff ‘happen’ to me that might scare some guys away. He’s got some tendencies that scare me a little. Some of the ‘issues’/factors are potential deal breakers….on both sides of the relationship ‘fence’.
Yet, there were/are so many incredibly wonderful aspects, we seemed/seem to connect so deeply, that I think we both felt the need to somehow ‘push through’/to make this work…
I get scared. I get frightened. Not OF love. Not OF Erin. But of the idea that this could end horribly, that the bottom could fall out, that he could change his mind – I am not trying to borrow trouble here – these are real fears, real trepidation – it’s almost at an ‘anxiety attack’ level. I feel like I am ‘dreaming’ that this can’t be happening to me. How could he like ‘ME’?!?!?!?!? HIM?!?!?!?!? WTF?????
I’ve always been restless (ALWAYS). I have always loved traveling/exploring. So before Erin entered, stage right, I had been SERIOUSLY thinking about (and applying for) Yoga teaching positions overseas; notably, in Asia and Costa Rica. I figured my son was grown, my daughter was busy with her own family, there was nothing ‘tying’ me to Cleveland. I had other options as well. I could move to NYC and live with my friend Linda,– or just simply up and leaving and finding that ‘seedy’, tiny, cramped apartment in Paris and writing a book and becoming a Parisienne. These thoughts are still in my head – they present themselves and I begin to wonder what I should do….
Recently, I’ve begun to realise just how serious this relationship is getting – perhaps that’s helped to fuel the feeding frenzy of the fear. Erin would say something, talk about the (I guess ‘our’) future – in terms of permanency – and I’d panic a bit – or wonder WTF, where is he going with this? Is he just musing out loud? Is this a test (of the emergency broadcast system)? Do I run now? WTF? Is he serious?
Add to this the drama of the various relationships in my life (honed to a razor edge by the impending holidays) – and you have a very nervous me.
It’s not a matter of ‘running away’. It’s a matter of knowing which path to take when you come to a fork in the road. It’s knowing yourself and making sure that you are being just as honest with yourself (as your partner). It’s trying to ‘figure out’ where they are – ultimately. No, there are no guarantees. But if this wasn’t going to develop into anything serious why would/should I stay here? Oh sure stability is a nice thing – retirement and all that happy bullshit – but you know I just don’t much think that working myself to exhaustion until I am in my 70s sounds like all that much fun when I could possibly be somewhere exotic, living for next to nothing, and actually enjoying my work/life.
I don’t trust people who tell me they are oh-so-sure of their path. I don’t trust that things don’t change – life is about impermanency – how can your really, truly KNOW – you can’t. Someone who is ever so sure of exactly where they are going to be in 5 years to me is either anal or lying – relationships should not (IMO) be on some ‘5-year-plan’. But plan we do – people don’t seem to want to ‘live on the edge’ or with spontaneity unless they are in their 20s. Rightly so, if you have kids or other responsibilities – but I have none of this (not anymore) – other than getting my son through 2 years of college right now…and that can be handled by his dad as well…
So here I am – at a crossroads of sorts. I talk about this with Erin (I think I freaked him out a bit – well duh). In the end what it comes to is this:
I love this man with all my heart/body/mind/soul. I love him more than I think I’ve loved anyone in years. This IS hands down the most healthy relationship I’ve had (to this point in my life). I don’t want to go anywhere if it means leaving him. I want him in my life. I want him by my side. I want to be by his side. I want to be his help-mate, his partner, his refuge from the weary world (well with God’s help). I want to grow old with him (well older LOL). I want to be around him, learn with him, and discover new possibilities and worlds with him. I want to be around his children – I want to be a part of their lives (if that’s OK with him and their mom too). I want to make mad passionate love with/to him (forever), I want to wake up in the morning and see him smiling down at me, and make love again. I want to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with him. I want to have holidays/anniversaries with him, I want to travel with him, I actually want to make plans and dream with him….and if I am lucky, he might want to do all of this with me…
Could *I* be *THAT* lucky?
posted by Colette at 9:59 AM
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