An Angel at My Side

"And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right..."
-- Counting Crows: 'Round Here'

This weekend was filled....with life. In all it's myriad, rainbow cornucopia...

Friday was spent with Erin. I met him at work and he introduced me around to his co-workers and we were congratulated on our engagement. We went shopping bought stuff to make Pad Thai and ended up eating Quiznos salads instead. We watched 'My Best Friend's Wedding' - not because we are getting married but because it's a pretty cool movie. We got to one part in the move and I had a revelation. I realised that at the last wedding I attended, I had caught my girlfriend's bouquet. I didn't remember because I had then given it to her little niece (who was crying cause she did not catch the bouquet). I told Erin this - and it dawned on me the 'connection' and the 'coincidence' (but I don't believe in coincidence anymore - so perhaps this is fate that I met my love and am now getting ready to become his wife)..

He began to cry - sensing, I would imagine, the self-same connection - I whispered to him I was crying too....we resonate with each other. I love this man so very much.

We talk. Late into the night - about relationships, about how they seem to fail at every turn. Mainly about my doubts.

I woke up Saturday morning - the anniversary of my mom's death knowing it would be a 'bad day' for me. I began by wondering AGAIN about us, about the futility of it all - we talked for a couple of hours, I went my way and he went his to do our errands/work. We got together later in the day to head out to the 'Barking Spider' - which is a bar on the campus of CWRU where live music plays every night. I was hoping some of my comrades would be down there however, usually Thursday is the night they gather. Since the smoking ban, places like this are emptier, how sad that is - some people still come down but not nearly the size of the crowd that would normally be in attendance on a Saturday night.

We played darts (well Erin kicked my arse - but then I am not really good at darts - I am planning on getting better and handing him his arse on a plate some day). We listened to the music and enjoyed each other.

We went home and again began the 'dialogue' about the 'need' to get married. My doubts once again surfacing (I keep thinking WTF???? and why doesn't he just dump me). It was rough for us - despite this we reconnected again and loved each other. He is incredible.

The next morning he awoke early to go teach PSR. I slept in a bit and had a nightmare about being in a car accident and being put on life-support - the dream took place at a time 'before our wedding' and he was agonising over what to do - stay by my side or move on with his life - it was more than this in the dream, but I am unable to articulate here...I was not frightened by the dream - my fear was for him...for his loss. I was upset and shaken a bit. I got ready to go to meet him for 11 AM mass.

We met at the church and heard mass. I felt 'disconnected' form him until he reached out to hold my hand. When he does this small gesture he brings me back - he 'rights' my world again. We connect and I am at once calmed and peaceful - feeling the love as it flows between us...

After the mass, he led me up to the front of the church - I was not sure what was going on - at times we have lingered after mass to just be together in an empty church...

We stood at the edge of the sanctuary before the altar and he faced me. He took my hands in his and faced me. I began to blush and he said: "Last night was rough for me." (I murmured an apology). He then said (paraphrasing here kids): "I've invited some friends here to witness because I want to ask you again to let me be your husband - will you marry me?"

Tears. My answer: "Yes, Erin. I only hope I will be as good a wife to you as I know you are going to be husband to me..."

We hugged and I was trying to really keep back my tears of joy. We turned to face the people who had gathered at his request and received their love and congratulations. I was in tears and all I could keep saying over and over was how lucky and blessed I was to have Erin in my life. I've never had so many reasons to cry with joy in public as I do now...it can be kind of discombobulating.

We went back to his place and then got ready to go spend the afternoon at my sister's house and have dinner. We had a nice time and my little niece Victoria welcomed Erin to the family by telling him she was glad 'he was going to be her uncle'. I think he was very pleasantly surprised by little 'Toria' - she's a doll. My family really likes Erin and my sister gave us a congratulations on our engagement card. She had also brought me a beautiful, delicate gold chain back from Puerto Rico - which was so very kind of her.

After we left my sister's I had to stop at my house briefly to gather up gear for my Monday Yoga class. I took Erin down to meet my landlord and we sat for a while with him, my ex husband and my landlord's girlfriends son and watched part of the football game. We laughed and enjoyed just the 'guy thing' that was happening in that space....

We stopped for Erin at his work so he could pick up a charger for his Blackberry and then went back to his place. We both did some chores and then went to bed again, our bodies intertwined....

We woke this morning to each other; to our love for one another.

I can not wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. It's going to be very hard to wait for his annulment process to be finished in order to become man and wife. In some ways, I already feel married to him - at least within my heart and my soul. After the weekend we had, the ups and downs; the sorrows and the joys...
I know this was meant to be and my faith and love is stronger than ever.

I love you, Erin.

I DO and I WILL....always...