"..too busy writing your tragedy..."
(Now listening to soundtrack from Gardenstate)
...yeah so I am realising that this is how I manage to blow things up in my life...I end up too busy to pay attention to the 'good stuff'. I fret and I worry about all the bad stuff...which in turn drives those around me crazy and/or away....
I am such a tard at times.
I want forever NOW! More on that later....
And WHAT. THE. FUCK. is up with this no snow shit???????????
It's going to be 50 friggin' degrees today. WTF???????????????????????????????????
Maybe that's why I am a bit out of sorts. It's January and there's been no snow. I feel for those of you out in Denver but hey could you just air-lift some our way. Those of you who are enjoying this weather - get stuffed - I want snow OK - I want to frolic and play IN THE SNOW!
Yeah so last night I went to Erin's after his daughter's game - Tuesday night is his night without the kids - so the weeks that he has his kids this is 'our' night. I showed up and he was out of sorts. The girls lost their game and they got trounced badly. I think it's hard for him when this happens. So I felt like I could not connect with him very well. I don't know what to do when this happens - the 'old' me would have just left. Instead I felt restless a bit frazzled. We put in one of my favourite movies "The Last of the Mohicans". I love this film - it's a bit brutal but very well done and besides I am just a spaz for Daniel Day-Lewis (he is on 'the list')...
Since I was feeling restless, I ended up on the floor - finally Erin joined me and we watched the romantic bits together and then something 'clicked' between us and we reconnected. I am learning about patience (and my lack thereof) in this relationship and I am learning that it pays to be patient.
After the movie, I wanted to go outside; the moon was full and there was a 'halo'/ring encircling. Just gorgeous. I needed to be out in the elements under the moon. There's a pull I can feel - a comfort I take in communing with the Goddess. I was asking for forgiveness.
********
Lest it ever be forgotten I am a Priestess in a Pagan tradition - this post is about to take a detour. Since I've been away from home lately, the stray cat I feed has been feeling 'neglected' - she still gets fed, my son feeds her - but on New Year's day, I stopped at home because I needed to pick up some clothes and when I arrived there, dead at the bottom of the steps leading to our back porch was a Mourning dove whose throat had been slashed. The perpetrator of the 'crime' was the black stray 'Lucy' (yep that Lucifer name sure seems to fit her) - she was meowing at me - offering up the bird and trying to get me to pet her. I was horrified. I KNOW this is her 'instinct' at work, but I was really upset - I don't need to be brought 'gifts' by this cat. So I went into my house and gathered things up but I was so distraught I sat down for a moment and cried - I don't know why nature upsets me so....
Yesterday I was at home before I went to meet Erin at his place. Lucy came up to me as I got out of my car and was meowing and begging for pets - I did not pet her. She ran up on the porch and looked down at her empty bowl and I said 'Lucy you killed a beautiful bird and did not eat it - if you are hungry go catch a mouse!' I went into my house, futzed around a little and got ready to leave. I went to leave the house and as I stepped outside I nearly stepped on a dead mouse. Holy Shit! So now Lucy is killing on command. I was beside myself. I grabbed something to pick up the mouse with and threw it in the trash. The body was still warm....I felt sick...
So I went out to beg a bit of forgiveness - I know you guys think this is crazy - I will grant you weird - but not crazy. So now I am not sure what to do about Lucy - I want to make her an indoor cat but she would not be happy and I can't have her killing innocent animals and bringing them to me as offerings - I must say she'd be one helluva cat to have in a circle during ritual. I don't want to starve her - I am pretty sure her humans have abandoned her - I am not sure what to do now....yes, yes, it's instinct so it's futile. But perhaps if I feed her less she will eat what she kills....
********
So back to being under a full moon - I told Erin I was going out and he decided to join me...he saw the moon and went to get a camera to take pictures. I mainly just wanted to be out - I wandered away from him while he took his pictures - it could have been a more romantic moment between us but perhaps that was not meant to be....
After a bit we went back in and had a very late, light dinner - complete with an 'international dessert' of boiled sweetened condensed milk - too funny - very interesting.
We then made our way to love and finally to sleep.
When I say I want the future to be NOW - this is what I mean - I see a future with Erin - I just have to be patient and sometimes it's so hard to be patient and wait. All the cliches in the world aren't going to help me to get over this impatience of mine - I just have to keep reminding myself to stay with the moment, to breathe, to accept and to revel in the gift of love and second chance that I've been granted. We seem to be so good for each other. When I am with him - even through the rough patches, this relationship seems to work - I am hoping against hope that time does not diminish our love but helps to make us stronger - I am not sure we can be more in love with each other - like the tide under the moon this love will ebb and flow (hopefully more flow than ebb) - as the sea returns to the shore, hopefully, we will keep returning to each other - sharing our lives, learning from each other - living through each moment day by day, season by season, dawn to twilight - each day ending in each other's arms - our home and respite from the weary world.
...yeah so I am realising that this is how I manage to blow things up in my life...I end up too busy to pay attention to the 'good stuff'. I fret and I worry about all the bad stuff...which in turn drives those around me crazy and/or away....
I am such a tard at times.
I want forever NOW! More on that later....
And WHAT. THE. FUCK. is up with this no snow shit???????????
It's going to be 50 friggin' degrees today. WTF???????????????????????????????????
Maybe that's why I am a bit out of sorts. It's January and there's been no snow. I feel for those of you out in Denver but hey could you just air-lift some our way. Those of you who are enjoying this weather - get stuffed - I want snow OK - I want to frolic and play IN THE SNOW!
Yeah so last night I went to Erin's after his daughter's game - Tuesday night is his night without the kids - so the weeks that he has his kids this is 'our' night. I showed up and he was out of sorts. The girls lost their game and they got trounced badly. I think it's hard for him when this happens. So I felt like I could not connect with him very well. I don't know what to do when this happens - the 'old' me would have just left. Instead I felt restless a bit frazzled. We put in one of my favourite movies "The Last of the Mohicans". I love this film - it's a bit brutal but very well done and besides I am just a spaz for Daniel Day-Lewis (he is on 'the list')...
Since I was feeling restless, I ended up on the floor - finally Erin joined me and we watched the romantic bits together and then something 'clicked' between us and we reconnected. I am learning about patience (and my lack thereof) in this relationship and I am learning that it pays to be patient.
After the movie, I wanted to go outside; the moon was full and there was a 'halo'/ring encircling. Just gorgeous. I needed to be out in the elements under the moon. There's a pull I can feel - a comfort I take in communing with the Goddess. I was asking for forgiveness.
********
Lest it ever be forgotten I am a Priestess in a Pagan tradition - this post is about to take a detour. Since I've been away from home lately, the stray cat I feed has been feeling 'neglected' - she still gets fed, my son feeds her - but on New Year's day, I stopped at home because I needed to pick up some clothes and when I arrived there, dead at the bottom of the steps leading to our back porch was a Mourning dove whose throat had been slashed. The perpetrator of the 'crime' was the black stray 'Lucy' (yep that Lucifer name sure seems to fit her) - she was meowing at me - offering up the bird and trying to get me to pet her. I was horrified. I KNOW this is her 'instinct' at work, but I was really upset - I don't need to be brought 'gifts' by this cat. So I went into my house and gathered things up but I was so distraught I sat down for a moment and cried - I don't know why nature upsets me so....
Yesterday I was at home before I went to meet Erin at his place. Lucy came up to me as I got out of my car and was meowing and begging for pets - I did not pet her. She ran up on the porch and looked down at her empty bowl and I said 'Lucy you killed a beautiful bird and did not eat it - if you are hungry go catch a mouse!' I went into my house, futzed around a little and got ready to leave. I went to leave the house and as I stepped outside I nearly stepped on a dead mouse. Holy Shit! So now Lucy is killing on command. I was beside myself. I grabbed something to pick up the mouse with and threw it in the trash. The body was still warm....I felt sick...
So I went out to beg a bit of forgiveness - I know you guys think this is crazy - I will grant you weird - but not crazy. So now I am not sure what to do about Lucy - I want to make her an indoor cat but she would not be happy and I can't have her killing innocent animals and bringing them to me as offerings - I must say she'd be one helluva cat to have in a circle during ritual. I don't want to starve her - I am pretty sure her humans have abandoned her - I am not sure what to do now....yes, yes, it's instinct so it's futile. But perhaps if I feed her less she will eat what she kills....
********
So back to being under a full moon - I told Erin I was going out and he decided to join me...he saw the moon and went to get a camera to take pictures. I mainly just wanted to be out - I wandered away from him while he took his pictures - it could have been a more romantic moment between us but perhaps that was not meant to be....
After a bit we went back in and had a very late, light dinner - complete with an 'international dessert' of boiled sweetened condensed milk - too funny - very interesting.
We then made our way to love and finally to sleep.
When I say I want the future to be NOW - this is what I mean - I see a future with Erin - I just have to be patient and sometimes it's so hard to be patient and wait. All the cliches in the world aren't going to help me to get over this impatience of mine - I just have to keep reminding myself to stay with the moment, to breathe, to accept and to revel in the gift of love and second chance that I've been granted. We seem to be so good for each other. When I am with him - even through the rough patches, this relationship seems to work - I am hoping against hope that time does not diminish our love but helps to make us stronger - I am not sure we can be more in love with each other - like the tide under the moon this love will ebb and flow (hopefully more flow than ebb) - as the sea returns to the shore, hopefully, we will keep returning to each other - sharing our lives, learning from each other - living through each moment day by day, season by season, dawn to twilight - each day ending in each other's arms - our home and respite from the weary world.
posted by Colette at 8:02 AM
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