'The importance of being earnest....'
Lots going on...I feel at times like I am spinning – a whirling dervish, dancing faster than my feet can keep up...
Emotions take me by surprise – I seem to experience so many different feelings at once. The underlying feeling is joy. Joy at the love that’s come into my life and seems to grow with each passing day...
Still I have fears as well. Fear that I won’t pass muster, fear that I wont’ be enough, fears that we will slowly evolve into something unrecognizable that neither one of us will want any longer, fear that we will stop being as in love as we are...
He tells me differently…he assures me, reassures me. Sometimes it works, sometimes I think he is full of shit – NOT HIM – per se – just how can we guarantee anything? The answer is we can’t – I suppose it’s all kismet/fate, metered out and when you’ve had your fair share of ‘good things’ the bad things come around – this may sound like negative thinking, but in reality that’s how things seem to play out for me. However, I will say that for the most part I’ve had my share of shittiness in my life and it’s about time I had some good stuff instead.
And this is good, very good indeed...
As time goes by in this relationship – I am also ‘warming up’ – a feeling of being more comfortable – acting more like myself – not that I’ve not been ‘being myself’ before this – but I am less worried about making a good impression or afraid to ‘speak up’ when things bother me – I am more willing to show anger or to get ‘bitchy’ – again not that I like getting that way or am out of control (LOL I suppose if you ask other people they may very well disagree and say I am a total bitch – which is fine). The bottom line here is that I think we are both becoming more free within our relationship and learning more each day about each other. Not that learning each other’s hot buttons gives you carte blanche to ‘push them’ – there’s an amount of respect involved here and from what I can tell we are going to remain this way with each other – I believe that because of all that BOTH of us have been involved with in our past, past hurts, disappointments, failed marriages – that it’s very important to both of us that we stay communicative and sensitive to each other’s needs, making this a very healthy (and happy) relationship.
********
This weekend was amazing – we did not get off to the best start. Only because I was assuming we’d spend St. Valentine’s Day together (well the weekend) but he was making plans to go out of town (he of course wanted to include me - but I could not go with him), and I suppose that was wrong of me – I am not usually a patsy for such bullshit – but I look at things like this is our ‘first’ Valentine’s Day together, etc. So I was kind of disappointed and it showed….I didn’t mean to get upset but I did – I guess it meant more to me than I thought it would. I felt badly reacting the way I did – but we worked it out and that’s just it we *DO* work it out. It amazes me...
The next day was J’s b-day party and the ex was coming over – there was the potential for an uncomfortable situation but it went very well between us. His ex even congratulated me on our engagement – we hugged one another – it was a nice moment and I think (hoping here with fingers crossed) everything will be alright between us – she’s a good person and I actually like her. We were even joking about comparing notes (sorry love), and going out for a drink together sometime...
Saturday evening was the Gala – black-tie affair and we got a gussied up and went to the party. I felt like the luckiest woman on earth with him at my side ( I AM the luckiest woman on the planet!). My colleagues were so kind and gracious and even spoke highly of me (note to self: must pay them off for this...). We had a ball – no pun intended. It was a lovely evening.
We went home watched a movie: ‘The Wedding Date’
...and romanced each other. <*sighs*>
Woke up the next day, lazed in bed – much longer than we would normally – for a good reason <*blushes*>, and then got up – began to do household chores.
At one point Erin answered the door to some Jehovah’s witnesses and actually had done research on the information they had left the previous week. He talked to these guys for like 2 hours – I sat and listened for a while and was amazed (as usual) with Erin and his obvious grasp of the King James version of the bible – he really gave the men a ‘run for their money’ about their own views and differing bible passage translation (Erin asked them if they had read the Greek – Erin apparently has…good lord – no pun intended). Just astounding.
This whole exchange between them led to a very deep conversation between us about our respective beliefs – again the amount of mutual respect between us grows with each passing day and every conversation. We then went shoppng for food for our ‘week’ together and came home to make dinner and then watched another movie:
‘A Scanner Darkly’
Phillip K. Dick’s futuristic (um...OK) movie – it was good – bizarre, disturbing...would normally lead me to bad dreams...(it didn’t though).
We went to bed again...loving each other...again.
I am so in love with this man it’s almost verging on insanity, but then I suppose love makes you insane...
Yes, I am crazy about him.
I love you Mr. E.
^_^
Emotions take me by surprise – I seem to experience so many different feelings at once. The underlying feeling is joy. Joy at the love that’s come into my life and seems to grow with each passing day...
Still I have fears as well. Fear that I won’t pass muster, fear that I wont’ be enough, fears that we will slowly evolve into something unrecognizable that neither one of us will want any longer, fear that we will stop being as in love as we are...
He tells me differently…he assures me, reassures me. Sometimes it works, sometimes I think he is full of shit – NOT HIM – per se – just how can we guarantee anything? The answer is we can’t – I suppose it’s all kismet/fate, metered out and when you’ve had your fair share of ‘good things’ the bad things come around – this may sound like negative thinking, but in reality that’s how things seem to play out for me. However, I will say that for the most part I’ve had my share of shittiness in my life and it’s about time I had some good stuff instead.
And this is good, very good indeed...
As time goes by in this relationship – I am also ‘warming up’ – a feeling of being more comfortable – acting more like myself – not that I’ve not been ‘being myself’ before this – but I am less worried about making a good impression or afraid to ‘speak up’ when things bother me – I am more willing to show anger or to get ‘bitchy’ – again not that I like getting that way or am out of control (LOL I suppose if you ask other people they may very well disagree and say I am a total bitch – which is fine). The bottom line here is that I think we are both becoming more free within our relationship and learning more each day about each other. Not that learning each other’s hot buttons gives you carte blanche to ‘push them’ – there’s an amount of respect involved here and from what I can tell we are going to remain this way with each other – I believe that because of all that BOTH of us have been involved with in our past, past hurts, disappointments, failed marriages – that it’s very important to both of us that we stay communicative and sensitive to each other’s needs, making this a very healthy (and happy) relationship.
********
This weekend was amazing – we did not get off to the best start. Only because I was assuming we’d spend St. Valentine’s Day together (well the weekend) but he was making plans to go out of town (he of course wanted to include me - but I could not go with him), and I suppose that was wrong of me – I am not usually a patsy for such bullshit – but I look at things like this is our ‘first’ Valentine’s Day together, etc. So I was kind of disappointed and it showed….I didn’t mean to get upset but I did – I guess it meant more to me than I thought it would. I felt badly reacting the way I did – but we worked it out and that’s just it we *DO* work it out. It amazes me...
The next day was J’s b-day party and the ex was coming over – there was the potential for an uncomfortable situation but it went very well between us. His ex even congratulated me on our engagement – we hugged one another – it was a nice moment and I think (hoping here with fingers crossed) everything will be alright between us – she’s a good person and I actually like her. We were even joking about comparing notes (sorry love), and going out for a drink together sometime...
Saturday evening was the Gala – black-tie affair and we got a gussied up and went to the party. I felt like the luckiest woman on earth with him at my side ( I AM the luckiest woman on the planet!). My colleagues were so kind and gracious and even spoke highly of me (note to self: must pay them off for this...). We had a ball – no pun intended. It was a lovely evening.
We went home watched a movie: ‘The Wedding Date’
...and romanced each other. <*sighs*>
Woke up the next day, lazed in bed – much longer than we would normally – for a good reason <*blushes*>, and then got up – began to do household chores.
At one point Erin answered the door to some Jehovah’s witnesses and actually had done research on the information they had left the previous week. He talked to these guys for like 2 hours – I sat and listened for a while and was amazed (as usual) with Erin and his obvious grasp of the King James version of the bible – he really gave the men a ‘run for their money’ about their own views and differing bible passage translation (Erin asked them if they had read the Greek – Erin apparently has…good lord – no pun intended). Just astounding.
This whole exchange between them led to a very deep conversation between us about our respective beliefs – again the amount of mutual respect between us grows with each passing day and every conversation. We then went shoppng for food for our ‘week’ together and came home to make dinner and then watched another movie:
‘A Scanner Darkly’
Phillip K. Dick’s futuristic (um...OK) movie – it was good – bizarre, disturbing...would normally lead me to bad dreams...(it didn’t though).
We went to bed again...loving each other...again.
I am so in love with this man it’s almost verging on insanity, but then I suppose love makes you insane...
Yes, I am crazy about him.
I love you Mr. E.
^_^
posted by Colette at 3:37 PM
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