"...more precious than rubies..."

Nothing compares to the feelings I feel toward Erin – with the exception (possibly) of the love I feel for my own children...

To me that in and of itself is a huge revelation. I can not truly say that I’ve loved anyone nearly as much as I love him – and I’ve tried to find comparisons in my life to this – to these feelings – there seem to be none that I can think of. And it’s not that I did not love my last husbands – it just that there is so much more to this love. Even when we have problems or disagreements, because of the way we handle things my respect for him is off the charts – I admire this man – as I’ve said he’s honorable and I hate to say this but in this day and age finding a man who is like this is rare – and it makes me love him all the more – if that’s possible...

I get a little infuriated with some of the conversations I have regarding my getting married - today for instance the nurse I worked with began asking me why I won’t just move in with him.

I told her my reasons – mainly they revolve around the fact that in the past I DID just move in with my lovers and it always ended in failure. This also has to do with the kids – he/we are trying to raise them Catholic and the ‘right thing to do’ is to be married. Sure it’s hard – it’s hard to be apart – but we are both on the same page here.

The nurse did not seem to want to take this for an answer – she asked me what the difference was between me spending the weekend and me being there full time – I patiently explained that a weekend consists of only 2 days while ‘all the time’ is well...’all the time’.

She then indicated that it’s just as bad concerning the morality issue if the kids see me there one weekend VS seeing me there all the time. Further, how can I know it will work out if I am not there 24/7 – being there ‘during the good times only’ does not help me to know if this is going to work and don’t I want to know in advance if this is going to work?

GRRRRRR

So what? I am suppose to leave my son, move into Erin’s house without the benefit of marriage and just shack up to make sure this is going to work?

Sure in a way she is right about the kids seeing me there one weekend vs seeing me there all the time – if we are trying to make sure the kids learn that you are only suppose to live together with the benefit of marriage then yeah I suppose we are ‘living in sin’ – so on that she wins…still I think me being there sometimes vs all the time without being married is wrong.


What really irks me about this nurse is that she is one of the most intolerant and judgmental people I have ever met – you’d think she’d get the bit about me not wanting to ‘shack up’ with Erin….

I do so hate defending my choices – it kind of drives me nuts….

As far as me ‘knowing in advance’ if this is going to work out – what a ‘trial run’? How can anyone ever really know? It’s like knowing if you are ready to have a child, you are never going to be truly ready to have a kid – the only way to know is to have the child – no amount of babysitting or anything else is going to prepare you. Likewise the only way I am going to know what it’s like to live with Erin and his kids is when I do it – but I am not going to compromise my integrity and his situation by moving in now. I’ve seen him at some of his worst moments. I’ve seen him struggle with the kids. Do I think it’s important for the kids to get ‘used to me’ you bet – but we ARE doing that now – that does not mean it’s good or wise for us to force me on the kids full time just yet. There has to be an adjustment period.

Quite frankly – I don’t know how to put this but I KNOW it’s going to be OK – I KNOW in my heart of hearts we ARE going to work out – don’t ask me how I know this – but it’s a gut feeling sort of thing – and now that I’ve typed it out here it becomes even more ‘real’...and I feel giddy with it...