Monday, April 14, 2008

"What’s love got to do with it?" By: Mark Miller

(An unusual (and refreshing) confession from a man on the dating front lines).


"What’s love got to do with it?"
By Mark Miller

Women sometimes accuse men of being interested in only one thing. And it’s not Scrabble. Okay, I’ll admit that occasionally we’re only interested in one thing and that one thing is sex.

Recently, though, I discovered it’s not only men who have this single-minded interest. I realized this when I started corresponding with a woman online who made it clear on her dating profile that, like many guys — and unlike many women — she was not looking for her soul mate. She was not looking for a long-term relationship. The word “commitment” was clearly not a part of her dating vocabulary. She merely wanted, as that great philosopher, Olivia Newton-John once put it, to “get physical.”Perhaps there are a lot of women like this out there. But in my experience, it was certainly a rarity, if not a first. A woman who just wants sex, no emotional or relationship strings attached. Now, most guys would describe this situation as, for want of a better word, heaven.

Right from our first meeting, Nancy made it clear that she was attracted to me. Lots of touching, a hug, an invitation for the second date. On that date, she drove us to one of her favorite restaurants, chose the table close to the band, suggested a bottle of wine, and shared her food. I was starting to feel like the woman in the relationship. And, frankly, it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. We held hands during dinner and she initiated the first and subsequent kisses during the meal. I wondered on which cool planet I’d landed where getting physical was so easy and stress-free.But on the way back to Nancy’s place afterwards, I thought to myself, “Rather than rush into anything, I’ll act like a gentleman, thank her for a wonderful evening, and drive home.” Nancy, however, had something else in mind. As soon as we got inside her apartment, without saying a word, she proceeded to have her way with me. Granted, I was a full and willing participant. And again, I wondered what cool planet this was where there was no need to discuss when we should have sex, why we should have sex, what sex means to us, what we mean to each other, and so on. It was just raw, animal passion. Which made it all the more shocking when, to my surprise, I was overcome with a feeling of emptiness: Nancy did not invite me to stay overnight. She let me know that she couldn’t see me until the following weekend because she was “busy.” And when I called her the next morning to thank her for what seemed to me to be a pretty exciting evening for both of us, Nancy’s exact response, and I quote, was, “Yeah, dinner was nice.” I thought to myself, “Dinner was nice”? What is this, emotional payback for all the thousands of years men have been doing this sort of thing to women?

Two days later, Nancy called and suggested getting together again. I thought about saying, “No, thanks. I’m looking for someone serious about a long-term relationship.” But then I remembered how great the sex was. We ended up going for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres and making out in the back seat of my car. To my disappointment, there was no talk of a future date. The next day, I sent her an email. She never responded. And I still have not heard from her. But I thank her for teaching me something.

Thanks to Nancy, I experienced first-hand the painful feeling of hollowness and emotional whiplash in going from full-contact love-making to no contact whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying I’d act differently if another Nancy came along. But, truthfully, another Nancy definitely would not be my first choice. I like all that other “stuff” that comes with a committed relationship. In fact, I want and need it. Because as thrilling and comforting as sex can be, it’s true what they say about having it with someone you love and care about. I just hope to God I experience it before I start getting really attached to my Scrabble board.

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